The Mixed Boy

Life of a Researcher - Chronicles Log 4

2010-03-03T10:40:00.003+08:00

I think I have left out a lot of entries that seemed to be interesting as well as experience gaining. I should have taken some time to jot down those entries, guess it'll be scripted into the realms of time and continuum.

Perhaps there is something happier to to talk about, as some have already noticed, I am officially a full time research assistant in my campus and embarking on a new chapter towards higher learning. I cannot say that things will be smooth, but it will be interesting. I personally feel that I have already sunk too much into my comfort zone to go back to work. This is somewhat a bad omen for me, that is why I prefer to try to maximize my time to do other things to keep me happy. Unfortunately, my time spend wasn't as productive as I expected it to be. For instance, I have been a part-time research assistant in Asif's lab, but the skills I have attained from there were not exactly up to expectations. Mostly it was due to my ignorance to evade useful lessons. Moreover, nine months of no full-time employment is like experiencing another term of national service, where it kinda erodes my self-worth and makes my brain rot. Though it is happening to me, I believe I have managed to preserve at least some of my sanity and competency for the work that has yet to be poured onto me.

I could say that life is getting on the better side at this moment - relationships are blooming, opportunity to embark on my career, having my own personal space and time, etc. I just hope that times like this concur much of my time in campus. Though my partner and I are both researchers-in-progress, I believe that relationships can blind any form of reasoning; I hope we have ample time for each other.

I wanted to put this in earlier entries but I kinda missed it, but I noticed that humans (or at least in the society that I grow in) tend to choose (selectively) their partners mostly based on exterior/structural appearance as well as character. I cannot tell the extent of my hypothesis but everyone has a specific set of facial/body/hair/etc. structure that we choose to like. I.e. Lets just say I like people with long hair, sharp chin and slim figure. Most of my choices for a partner will fall under these categories and I would not really consider anyone out of the list (or at least refrain from choosing). However, character-wise would not be so similar. We always think we would like to find someone of similar interest, but somehow, we would usually choose someone who has a different set of interest than us. I do not say opposite because it is subjective and would seem wrong to implicate a fixed set of interest from the start. At times, it would seem that your partner's characters are opposite of yours; at times, it would be very much different from yours. In either way, it would somehow suggest a completion of your life to mask over characters that you do not hold initially. Or at least that's how I feel so far. But the point here is that, if we put it mathematically:

1) We choose partners based on exterior appearance proportionate to our list
2) We choose partners based on character inversely proportionate to our own

Another thing I noticed is that people with almost similar facial features, tend to have almost similar names. Not only that, these people of similar features have almost similar characteristics as well. If this, to some extent, is true, then what is governing us when choosing names for our off-springs? Is it a fabric of nature? Is it a form of animal instinct? Is it that people of similar features have an invisible connection between them that encrypt names? Is it a secret code in their genes that secretly bond these people together? It would be interesting to know this though.

The Mixed Boy

Life of a Researcher - Chronicles Log 3a

2010-01-08T15:02:00.006+08:00

OMG, I didn't know about this webtool in google, it's call "google translate". I think it's super cool and I also feel that I'm so dumb not to notice it. However, the translation only corrects your words to the nearest direct translation. Nonetheless, let me try to replicate this entry in Japanese now:

人生は今年の初めに、私はちょっと多くの多くの事故に得幸せではなかった。私自身いくつかの狂気を追跡で何Cosfestを行う上で発見する方法です私は、IPSのセルのためのプロトコルの策定については移動します。複数の引数をしたことあるが反復され、不完全です。物事傷害それに追加することによって、最悪を取得します。時間の時点で、私も頭がボーッとする絶望していただけしかるみんなの危機はほとんどしていた。しかしどういうわけか、私に私の怒りを維持することができたが、しばらく低迷となった。

私は、私のパートナー私のわめきを容認することができました感謝している（にもかかわらず、私は彼女の目で見ることは、彼女にうんざりしなっていた）を参照できるし、どんな過酷な事は私を許した私は状況に係ると述べた。もちろん、私は彼女の忍耐のための彼女は個人的に感謝した。ある一つのことは私だけでなく、誰もそこから学ぶかと彼女は願って - ときに世話をするか聞く耳を提供するボランティアは、あなたがやっている仕事に十分な注意をそらすしたいです。物事に刺激され、すでに怒っている人動揺としてぶら下げままにしないでください。それが我々の検索とテスト潜在的な薬について、我々を理解する必要がありますし、参加者は、我々に薬を与えているに注意を払うの臨床試験に似ています。この患者は重要なのは、フォームは我々が患者に何を懸念しているに注意を払っても良い結果ではなく、。

もう一つは、ときに我々は、我々または何かを、少なくとも我々が何かをしようとすることが必要だと言う。別の方法の中のフレーズにするには、"我々は、話を話すが、私たちは徒歩ですか？"。 1つは、彼/彼女は、そのスタイルとそれをコスプレ好きだと言う。ちょうどそれのために、衣装をしないが、心と魂をそこに置く。もちろん、将来の研究者として、そのような事のための時間がないけど、これが我々の計画では時間を管理しています。したがって、で、生産性、事前の計画と集中。ないぐずぐずぐずぐずしないと、何もただ座って行われる。私はその時すぐに適切な鎧で十分ですが生成される左、私は再望まない場合は、外傷性のライブイベントを願っています。

私はまだ新しい仕事のための推薦状を取得しました。私はすぐにそれらを得ることを期待。加えて、自分のアプリケーションのみを1月10日に承認されると、別の2かかります - 3週間。ホープは、すべてうまくいくよ...

-=The Mixed Boy=-

Life of a Researcher - Chronicles Log 3

2010-01-07T01:19:00.003+08:00

Life wasn't so happy for the beginning of this year, I kinda gotten into many many mishaps. I found myself in some crazy chase on what to do for Cosfest and how am I to go about formulating the protocol for the IPS cells. Been in several arguments that were repetitive and incomplete. Things get worst by having injuries added to it. At a point in time I was too frustrated to think straight and was almost in the verge of just scolding everyone. But somehow, I was able to keep my anger to myself but became depressed for awhile.

I am very grateful that my partner was able to tolerate my ranting (even though I could see in her eyes that she was getting fedup) and forgave me for whatever harsh things I said out pertaining to the situation. Of course, I did thank her personally for her patience. There is one thing that I hope she as well as everyone else would learn from it - when you want to care or volunteer to provide a listening ear, divert ample attention on the task that you are doing. Don't try to leave things hanging as it will irritate and upset the person who is already upset. It is similar to clinical trials, when we search and test for potential good drugs, we must understand and pay attention to the participants that we are giving the medication to. This is a form of patient importance, where we pay attention to what the patient is concerned in rather than just good results.

Another thing is that when we say that we are, we must be what we are or at least try to be what we are. To phrase it in another way, "we talk the talk, but do we walk the walk?". When one say that he/she likes cosplay, then do it with style. Don't just do a costume for the sake of it, but with heart and soul put into it. Of course, as future researchers, we don't have the time for such things, but this is where we manage our time by planning. Thus, by productive, plan ahead and focus. Don't dilly dally, nothing will be done just by sitting down. I hope the time left now is sufficient for a proper armor to be produced, I don't want to re-live the traumatic events.

I've yet to get the recommendation letters for my new job. I hope to get them soon. Besides, my application will only be endorsed on the 10th Jan and it will take another 2 - 3 weeks. Hope that everything will be fine...

The Mixed Boy

Life of a Researcher - Chronicles Log 2

2010-01-01T02:17:00.002+08:00

Food for thought:

Remember about all the talk on sudden cardiac death, (SCD), and that it may be some genetic disorder that also may be hereditary? I was just thinking, what if, it isn't something to do with genetics, but something as simple as exhaution? Not the person, but the cells or the ion channels. I can't say for sure, but so far, usually the news that broadcast SCD are usually people who are rather fit and train quite a lot. What if their cells we not as willing to carry on as much work as other cells could and they simply just stop working. So it isn't something hereditary. But of course, you could ask, if they get tired easier, would it mean that they are different = something in their genetic structure that causes them to be like that? How about protein structures/levels? Would they be of any cause? Even though SCD can be described as many forms of death, it has been around for a few decades already. There may be speculations of ion-channel failures or inefficiency, but wouldn't the host have manifested these symptoms way before SCD would happen? Why is that humans have managed to endure so much hardship in the past without dying but now, people are able to be stuck with a fatal event so easily? Is it a form of evolution? That the body has had enough and will not carry on working until it receives it's next "pay". There are many flaws in these assumptions, but it's more like food for thought...

P.S. I'm really sleepy now, it's New Year and I just came back to write this blog. So tired.

The Mixed Boy

Life of a Researcher - Chronicles Log 1

2009-12-30T20:55:00.002+08:00

Who knows that I would come back as a motivated researcher to try his luck to get into graduate studies. Unfortunately, it was not as easy as it seemed as I was rejected in three applications for my graduate studies. Eventually, I had to take an alternative route to get back onto the path I want. I slowly moved from a service ambassador in my campus's Office of Alumni Relations back to Science faculty as a temp research assistant (RA). Ever since then, I've been running dry lab, creating almost impossible figures and entertaining an aged man of 82 by giving him "orgasms" (inside joke).

Moreover, I had a very rare opportunity appearing some time back that paved a route for me to turn from temp RA into a perm RA in another lab. The drawback is that I had to do something with little knowledge of it AND I had to try my best (more like I have to) to produce/refine a technique that hasn't been positive for the past two decades, so why me? The only thing that made so possible was a mere "I see potential in you; you look like a hard worker; you're still young you can work till very late". So was the principal investigator (PI) looking for God or still day dreaming. Nonetheless, it was a good chance for me to challenge myself to something I have not achieved before - cell culturing. I am willing to take that challenge but hopefully, people around me will not mind me not fulfilling expectations that they placed on me.

Today's the last day of work for the year of 2009 in NUS. Nothing much was happening today, but I tried to spend most of my time reading papers on cell culturing. Moreover, I've been so busy lately juggling two labs and my social life that I have quite little time for myself. But being in my current lab kept me thinking of a lot of stuff, which I'm very grateful of it. Sometimes we think of strange or funny stuff during our discussions. Synergistic trust and discussions are essential for a productive yet fun lab. In fact, I can also tell you why a girlfriend (GF) is important in our lives (especially guys) in a while. Apart from my work life, I hope to master a little bit of Perl module as well as understand a little more on immunology.

So why GF is important: - A GF is important as she, as a woman, will provide moral support for you in whatever you do. Surprisingly, she can also give you ideas, regardless of whether it is random or not, for your research. Intellectual ideas are definitely good in producing good papers, but sometimes simple ideas can also prove to be better than any sophisticated method. A GF can also train your discipline and tolerance in accepting nonsensical arguments. In any office, politics are inevitable; similar to a lab, politics roam the vicinity. There are many times that you have more important things to do than to entertain an obstinate person who does not practice flexibility. You'd probably spend more time trying to convince him than to ignore him. So if you can tackle your GF, obstinate people are just dirt - ignoring them is just like you being there alone.

There is also one more reason why GFs are good, they are like growth factors. They help you grow in many aspects. Maturity is one of them, patience is another. But too many GFs are not good; we're like receptors, and each ligand gives a different response. But when too many ligands come together, they exhibit competitive binding. In cells, if to many complicated signals appear, the cell can undergo apoptsis to prevent further damage. I don't think you would want that to happen to you. So faithfulness is also essential to produce one particular response, which is happiness. The secretion of this 'ligand' varies from time to time. Don't disregard this 'ligand'; disregarding it is like disregarding insulin to an insulin receptor. Without it, diabetes can occur. So pay attention to it, if it gets too much, use inhibitors; if there's too little, stimulate your source. So GFs are good. Of course, you have to choose the right one. Not all 'ligands' give good responses. Some may induce cytokine mediated apotosis, some may induce cytokine mediated Janus-family kinase and STAT.

So choose your GFs properly, take some time to know your candidate before committing to one. Don't just get one just because your friends have one or because it is a fad, it's rubbish. Don't do it just because your parent tell you to unless you're tied down to an arrange marriage. Always know what you want, not what people say you ought to have. Because it will then not be what you yearn for but only feeding other people's curiosity on whether you two match.

I think I said too much already and I have yet to complete reading my papers. So I think I'll stop right here and finish up the paper that I'm reading now. Until next time.

The Mixed Boy

My lousy week

2009-02-26T16:17:00.002+08:00

Actually I kinda predicted that such things would happen, I just didn't expect that it would actually happened? I just don't know why I get dissed every time. Plans will always remain as plans, never reality. It's also so hard to get someone to see it your way...

The Mixed Boy

The way we scrutinize questions

2009-02-20T18:23:00.003+08:00

If the definition of "spend thrift" is "someone who spends money prodigally", the what do you say to a person who "spends money prodigally" on charity? Is he/her a spendthrift? I'm sure you would understand the similarity in the intention of the two actions - "to indulge spending on", so are both of them considered the same? Should we not judge something bad as bad but also scrutinize the good as well?

The Mixed Boy

A home I can't go home to; a bed I can't sleep on...

2008-08-12T18:17:00.002+08:00

I feel super down today... I don't really want to reflect on the bad stuff but it's rather upsetting that I nearly teared. I just feel like being in school and not go back... there's nothing I can do at home anyway, I'm just a puppet that responses to people who needs help, a slave. I hate where I am now, I don't even see my home as a home anymore, it feels so sad. I just want to cry or something. I hate to be the 2nd child, there's nothing good about being one. All the best genes go to the 1st, all the hard work go to the 2nd child. No matter how hard we try, we always go back to square one. I just feel ashamed of some things in life... So saddening...

The Mixed Boy

Irritation

2008-07-04T23:20:00.002+08:00

I don't know why my parents continuously want to irritate me. They keep treating me like a young boy, as if I can't do things myself. I don't even know why my family irritates me so much, why can't they just do things simple? What's up with them wanting to test for blood pressure with some stupid device, then when the stupid thing grips so tightly till my right arm can't move, my father thinks I was flexing. Then when he continuously ask me the same question, I just snapped back at him. Then with a reading of 118/81, it's considered normal for an adult, but my parents thinks it's too high. WTF. So they went for cardiovascular system course huh? I even think there's something wrong with the machine since takes very very long for a test to be conducted. If they think highly of their guesses, then why must I go for such a course in the first place. Plus, my mother says drink more water because I have "high blood pressure". Firstly, it's not even HIGH in the first place; secondly, even if it's high blood pressure, the more I shouldn't drink water because isotonic levels of water can elevate the pressure in the body... Geez, what's up with their "high-and-mighty" assumptions?

I noticed my temper shorten recently; I don't really like the feeling, but I can't escape the fact that there are people who are around to irritate me. I WANT to be tolerant, resounding to the fact that I don't like to scold in the first place. I hope I'd tame myself soon, I need to stay calm.

I haven't been talking much to Dada, I don't really know what to talk to her anymore. Neither did she had anything else to talk to me anymore besides the usual "how's your day?" or "have you eaten?". I guess it's already the time where things go back to normal again, back to the lonely days when I stare at the sky or the wall by myself, wondering what to do next or what's around me...

I want to emphasize that I DON'T like to scold, I hate scolding. It always leave me in the worst mood ever. I really wish I will change for the better. I'm still planning on what to do tomorrow...

The Mixed Boy

Geez...

2008-07-04T00:14:00.002+08:00

Today I have an upsetting day:

1) I didn't know what I had to do in office
2) Recently people call me "fat" or "Baba"
3) My sister gave problems again
4) My father's friend said that my brother is very handsome, but reluctantly said that "not saying that you're aren't handsome" (Been hearing this sentence many times already, WTF)
5) Yet another couple is been born in my group of friends, leaving me the single one out again
6) Tomorrow I have a seminar, but I'm not sure of whether to go or not
7) Tomorrow's running day again, going to be a tiring day once again
8) (Eight is the lucky charm) My mother talked to me about certain things relating to my brother, relationships and me. I think they are all totally unrelated but part of each makes me demoralised since people always think I'm not as handsome as my brother or as others (Sux)

Does this really mean I'm really unlucky?

The Mixed Boy

Quiet, confused week

2008-06-29T16:51:00.004+08:00

It's strange how you don't want to see certain people, yet, they are so clearly in front of you. It's not that I dislike them, it's just that it wasn't comfortable to see them consecutively for 7 days, one after another. This week has been so tiring for me, lab work, friends, worries... I even had dreams of gel electrophoresis, can you believe that?

However, something made me re-think of my path towards being a clinical physician. I don't know whether I'm up to the challenge anymore. The thing is, I want to be one, but not a complacent one; I want to be one that cares and is humble about his work. People-to-people relationships are important, but what's the use of pulling strings without finding the pride and honour of being one.

Besides that, my grades don't show either. I'm still pondering for the past three years of why do I do so much more than others but still score as well or even worse than them. I don't even know whether I'm ready for honors yet. It seems that I'm ready for some bench work, but the report?

Sometimes the thought that I'm single among a group of friend who are attached makes me feel sick inside. Its a feeling that I don't seem to express it very well, but it's a feeling that resides and irritates you. Then the worst thing is when your friend asks you "what's wrong?", and you can't say that it's because you're single as that's a lame excuse to be irritated in the first place (which brings me to the thought that am I being lame?).

I finally found out something that I should have realized long ago - I'm not someone who always gets in between relationships, it is because I'm always surrounded by attached females. So that doesn't constitute me as a third party as people are not easily satisfied with whom they are with in the first place. I'm not saying that I'm innocent in such situations since the females are victims as well. Sometimes it's hard to not get involved in such triangles when "she" just goes so well with you, like someone I know recently... Nonetheless, humans are curious beings and always like to venture to find out something new, even in relationships. That really scares me as well, how am I sure that she'll be with me even if I'm flawed? Same goes the other way around. We all know that nobody's perfect, but how do we curb this gap in relationships to foster a good bond? The words are trust and commitment/loyalty. Do we still have such a valued virtue? Maybe so, but for how long? Mindsets do play a part in the relationships as well. You don't want your partner to be thinking of having children when you're not ready in the first place right? I don't want to disappoint anyone just because I'm not ready for something I can't commit in just yet.

I don't even know why I'm saying all these, it's like they just naturally pour out of my system. I still think that I wasn't brought up well enough to face certain realities. I was raised to be a perfectionist and I think that is not a very good thing. Because perfectionists tend to have high expectations, and high expectations can only lead to one thing, either a great success or a great fall. Concurrently, I'm always getting the fall. I wasn't trained to "take things as they come"; I'm always trained to plan my time. Don't know whether that is good or bad.

Just recently, I'm also pondering about what flaws that I possess. I feel that I'm short, not handsome, not smart, not witty, not daring enough, too shy, slightly pessimistic and thinks too much. Probably these are one of the few reasons why I refuse to get a partner of my own. Another reason is that I'm embarrassed on showing my partner (if I have any) to my parents. I don't consider my parents carrying out daily life activities similar to societal norms, it's embarrassing to see my girlfriend get into a fixed in one of my parent's crazy ideas or mindsets. Not only that, it may even just break us apart just because of silly ideas... But who's parents won't act according to their beliefs? This is something I have yet to overcome in the near future.

Overall, I feel I'm left behind somewhere in my teen years, hoping for someone to truly believe in me once again. I have not lost foresight of my goal, but losing my focus at rapid pace. I don't know what the future will bring to me, but I must not lose hope that someday, I will shine...

The Mixed Boy

The real question...

2008-06-24T00:53:00.002+08:00

There goes my luck again... I just don't know why do I always get hit left-right-centre... The real question now is "what have I been doing for the past 24 years of my life?", "Was what I been doing worth the time of my life?", "Would I have been better off if I didn't take the pathway of struggles to be academically good?" This isn't what I planned to be after 15 years of studies; I wanted to be someone who people look up to, as someone who is knowledgeable in his tasks and would be encouraged to embark on the road to a better career. Just one man, JUST one man can actually bring me down and criticize me on what I fail to understand - fundamentals of office politics and networking. It burns me to see that he "spits" in my face about grandfather stories, YET, make sense about his sarcastic remarks. Today's quarrel with him really put me off, I was so upset that I feel ashamed that I have to go to lab everyday to do my honors project; I feel ashamed that I lost my cool just because I couldn't take a hint that he was testing my patience. I also feel very demeaned that I lack the proper CAP to establish a buffer zone for my fourth year, and that I alraedy have a very slim chance in being in Duke-NUS Graduate Medical School (GMS). I lacked the planning and I'm already tired, I get the mental blocks often and I don't feel happy about what I'm going through. I already have someone in my own lab that is giving me trouble, why do I still have yet one more to make me more miserable.

I have to get up quickly, I need to find a way to put myself together and not get put down by those remarks. I need to convert those remarks to valuable feedback. Something in his words struck me, he was right that I lack certain fundamentals, it's not too late to establish them, but it is too late to convince him that this trait should be in the recommendation letter. I need to take a step back and look for other alternatives in tackling my problem. I need someone to tell me that it is ok....

The Mixed Boy

My last paper, alone in Changi Airport and a leaving friend.

2008-05-04T01:07:00.002+08:00

Well, this person told me to keep this as a secret, but he didn't say how long. I guess it's already ok to say it in the blog since not many people are going to read it and well, he's already leaving the country. I'm already down to my last paper for the sem. I'm still worried about my grades, but I guess there's no turning back right now. I'm just worried that I might do badly in my last paper, GAMBATTE I guess haha... Nonetheless, some of my friends are already celebrating because of their already finished exams. Some still are struggling for their last few papers like me or my friend to be exact. He just had his last paper for the sem in Singapore just two days ago (Friday). He'll be flying off to USA for a presentation as well as to do his last few exam papers there then. What an amazing guy, he's smart and definitely talented. He's goals are almost inclined to me but our levels are incomparably far apart. I wish I was half as smart as him. I know it's strange for a guy to send another guy off at the airport, but I feel that it's my first time ever and he's considered a friend to me, so.... why not.

That brings me to the point that I'm at Changi Airport right now, alone at Mcdonalds and typing this blog to try to stay awake. I can't believe there's exactly so little sockets to go around, thus, I'm trying to survive with the last few moments with the remaining battery I have left. In fact, it's very boring to be here alone. I kinda tried asking friends, but it's obviously too late and too far for anyone, especially with no other agenda other than studying. Oh well, I guess it's a sacrifice to do for a friend. It's 1.15am now, I've still 3hrs 45min to go....

Tired
The Mixed Boy

Quotes

2008-04-09T10:42:00.002+08:00

I find this very amusing... I saw this somewhere near my locker...

"Time spent laughing
is time spent well."

This is what I think...

"Time spent in LECTURES
are time spent in HELL"

Hahahaha...

The Mixed Boy

Final Fantasy VII Crisis Core

2008-04-06T21:53:00.002+08:00

After playing Final Fantasy VII Crisis Core, I begin to understand the whole story in Final Fantasy VII itself. I was wondering who was this Zack character. Apparently, Zack is the main character in Crisis Core. He was an inspired SOLDIER who wanted to be like Angeal, his mentor. Sephiroth, Genesis and Angeal are close friends, all SOLDER 1st Class members. But Genesis was corrupted by vengenence and for power, leading him to team up with ex-Shinra scientist, Hollander. Genesis goes missing, so did Angeal. But here's the biggest surprise, all three 1st class members are part of the G project. They were infused with Jenova cells as part of an experiment. Genesis starts to degrade so he's finding ways to survive. He tries to convince Angeal to share his cells with him but Angeal is pure to his honour. He fights against Genesis, hoping to find a way to help his friend. Sephiroth wants to help as well but spent most of his time reading up on the clues about the G project.

Apart from that, Zack, met up with a lovely young lady, Aerith. Aerith has this special ability to communicate with the living, including the Earth. She is considered the last Ancient in the world. The story about both of them gets very sweet and loving. The sweetest and most memorable part was when Aerith told Zack she has many wishes. Zack asked how many and she said 23. When Zack asked her to write it down on a piece of paper, guess what she wrote? She wrote only one sentence - "I want to spend more time with you". She feels that Zack wouldn't be able to remember all 23 wishes even if she wrote it down, thus the one wish. I think it is very nice of her. Ever since Angeal died by Zack's hand, Zack changed. He feels that Angeal is in him, maintaining his honour and dreams. He still feels deeply for Aerith but more determined to be a better person. His honour and judgement starts to blur when Sephiroth disappeared from Nibelheim with Jenova, Sephiroth's, Angeal's and Genesis's so-call "mother". Because Zack and Cloud were hurt, Hojo took the opportunity to rejuvenate them with Jenova cells as part of his experiment. Zack and Cloud fell into a deep slumber.

After 4 years, Zack managed to get out of the chamber after having a strange dream. They were considered fugitives and had to escape. When he heard that Genesis made his return, Zack was determined to put an end to the rampage. He went back to Banora where dumbapples are grown. There, he met the director of Shinra again. Apparently, the director was thought to be dead, but actually took the form of Angeal because he was exposed to the same experiment. He was then dying as they speak. Zack proceeded to confront Genesis. The battle was rather simple but after you defeated him, Zack brings his body back to the surface.

Together with Cloud and the director, Zack was puzzled on what to do next - Genesis was defeated, Cloud and he were fugitives, they were far away from any other civilisation. The director finally died, along with an Angeal copy that was by the side. The Angeal copy held a letter from Aerith. I was sad to hear when the letter wrote "...hope that this final letter reaches you..." It was the 89th letter already. I feel that there is a pun in the word "final". Zack didn't lose hope, he wanted to see Aerith again.

The army was after the two fugitive but the Turks wanted them more. The latter wanted to help them escape the final showdown but didn't managed to find them in time. Zack and Cloud couldn't run away anymore. Zack kept Cloud in a safe place while he faced the whole army by himself. The final showdown was inevitable. He had a crushing defeat. When he fell to the ground, Midgar started to rain. The next screen showed Aerith attending to her flowers when the rain poured on her. She looked into the sky and started communicating. She wanted to know whether Zack's presence was still there but she eventually found out that he's dying. Appearing back at Zack, Cloud crawls out to see Zack. He was confused and weak. Zack told him to continue living for the both of them, as evidence that Zack actually exist. Zack also passed his baster sword to Cloud as a passing of his own honour and dreams (now we know why cloud has a baster sword, it was from Zack). Just after he passed the sword to Cloud, he closed his eyes and passed away. Cloud felt a sudden surge of fear, then he cried out. After that the video very sad. I don't know how to explain but everytime I watched it, I always cry. I feel that Zack shouldn't have died. He made a very big sacrifice, which made him a hero. If you want to watch it with English subs, you can go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HVlAUIboWU. If you want to watch the whole ending with credit songs, you can go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXk9W96-PuE. I always cry after watching all the final fantasy endings. Either sad, sweet or happy till cry... But so far Crisis Core makes me cry the most. I feel sad for Aerith (even though Aerith dies in Final Fantasy VII eventually by Sephiroth). She merely wanted to have a simple life with Zack, but he died. She's left alone... I will not forget this phrase "Embrace your dreams, Protect your honour"

The Mixed Boy

What is...

2008-03-25T00:54:00.002+08:00

What is God trying to test me on? There is always a reason and lesson to learn after any ordeal. 1) I have a female problem - I can't get near them like a few miles. They just find ways to get off my line of view. 2) I was sick and had tests to get by. I made it past that. 3) Now I have continuous random skipping heart beats. Am I anxious about anything?

The Mixed Boy

A little lost and alittle worried

2008-03-23T11:15:00.002+08:00

It's already the 10th week? I not sure since I've already lost count since the term break ended. But one thing's for sure - there will be many who will be leaving the campus, be it seniors or fellow batch friends. I lost the notion that I won't be seeing them again in the near future, though it is already hard to see them now. That's the idea, if it's already hard to see them now, it's even harder to see them next time. Lets not try bringing fate into the story shall we -.-... Anyway, there's actually so much to do, to make sure I get into honors, to think about how to spend my last few weeks with the graduating batch, to think whether should we have an group trip after the exams... The more I think about it, the more tired I become. Sometimes I just want to let go of everything and wish I were with my friends slacking at some cafe, sipping on some hot drinks and chatting our days away. Shopping or watching a movie, that's fine with me, all I need is just the company and the bonds that ensure our friendship lasts long.

But in reality, there's one important aspect that I missed out for some time - As long as a group of people do not sustain the need for a common goal, they separate inevitably. The same goes to someone you have affectionate for. As long as he/she losses interest in what both of you are doing, it's no longer existing. Socialization doesn't need a strong skill to sustain itself, it just requires care. If you care to try, it should probably give good results. Let me emphasize on this word "probably". Nothing in this world is a guaranteed answer. Some say that you should fight for something you truly believe in, but what if what you strongly fighting for always lands you up a failure?

Pessimism is really getting on my nerve, I'm not a fan of it. Having precautions or being prepared or planning your route is not a form or sign of pessimism. There's a very big misconception to this. I heard a saying that if you eat your meal and you tend to be a person who saves the best for last, you are a pessimist. I think that's bullshit. Firstly, haven't you heard of the story between the grasshopper and the hard working ants? So who's the pessimist now? Being clear with a goal makes you a better person, not a pessimist. The only losing end is the one who thinks the opposite and doesn't want to believe in this hard worker.

Looking back at my achievements, besides SOW 06, I think I didn't make much of an impression in my uni life. I wanted to be someone who people could look up to, someone who is above the average smart and someone who can play hard too. In the end, I grew more like a couch potato and didn't achieve my goal as a 2nd upper. Simply put, I'm at lost. Even if I wanted to be someone who could be looked up to, I wouldn't want to be placed at a spot where people doubt my advice. But what the heck, it doesn't matter anymore. A failure to lead myself is a failure to lead people and will be a failure to lead my family.

What can you make out of morale support? Do you think it is a psychological thing that stimulates ones mind to work better? Or do you think it is a spiritual thing that enhances the spirit of one to instill a heighten sense of hope? The what do you think is the best way to let one know that you really want to encourage that person? Encouragement.... What is it then? Is it do hard to give? Or is there a proper way to give it since it is somewhat been abused? Only appropriate amount of encouragement is needed to be genuine, the rest is up to you.

Why is it so hard to get someone to trust you, especially when you trust that people? Why is it so hard for me to achieve good recognition even when I'm doing things by the book? Why is it so strange that the short-cut, bad things we do is always better or give better results than we take things by the book? The next question is what is considered bad or good?

The Mixed Boy

What is tangible and intangible..

2008-03-02T22:45:00.002+08:00

I haven't been blogging for long, merely because I don't really feel like it and I didn't have the mood to. My birthday kinda ended up in a disaster - I was feeding the mosquitoes in Sungei Buloh and I was exhausted the whole week due to tests and tutorials. One of the modules require us to answer the questions to gain the marks but there wasn't enough questions to go around in the first place. And no matter how fast or numerous times I had my arm up, I wasn't asked to answer the questions. WTH... So disappointing... The test was even worse because of the easy questions and I wasn't sure of some of them... zzzzzz..... The next few weeks were mostly spending time by myself. Not because I wanted to but because there wasn't anyone to ask. Because there was so much boring time around, I resort to Mapling... It only appeals to me when I'm very bored and want something/someone to interact with. Mapling isn't the best thing to go by your life, but it's boiled down to this. I've been eating alot too.. Stress builds up my appetite day by day... As the days pass by, the more worried I get on whether my prof will accept me for his honors project. Other profs aren't replying to me either, makes it difficult for me to think of an alternative.

Promises are meant to be broken - I don't know whether God is doing this to tell me that I MUST believe that fate exists or it is just a practical joke. Whenever I have a chance to ask and go out with someone, that person will always have something at the last minute. After 24 years of having the same scenario again and again, if a subsequent one happens due to her grandma's sick, should I feel angry or upset or disappointed or concern? Obviously 99.999999999*% of the people would say "concern", the minute percentage belongs to me, I'm stuck in between all those feelings. How can I feel concern without knowing whether it is not her last minute wanting to avoid going out with me to a concert? Furthermore, it's my FIRST time going to a concert... Can't believe I was deprived of my chance of enjoying something new to me with someone I want to go with. She offered to buy me lunch, but that's not the point. It's not about the money, it's about the significance of asking people out, especially from a person like me...

I recall that I told someone I liked her some time before she left the school because she graduated. She's a chemist and wanted so much to go into lab work. She eventually changed her preference because lab work was too boring for her. I hardly get to go out with/meet her because she's staying in the east and I'm still studying. This makes it hard for me to visualize where I stand in this pursuit. You know how it feels when you felt that you were given a chance and not at the same time? Strange enough, though I expressed my feelings, it doesn't make it any difference in my position. However, sometimes her actions makes it so blindly possible that I have a chance. I want to try increasing the exposure between us, but somehow, she's not/don't want to make the effort, ending me in a ditch with nowhere to go and no idea what to do... I'm back to square one...

I'm not a desperate, you have to think out the box that I'm merely a guy who treats all females and males equally and nicely. Thus, it might seem that I'm flirting with one but I'm not or at least a harmless flirt without intentions to get close to her. BUT the moment I have a liking for someone and would like to try getting to know her, she's not opening herself at all, and saying that I don't try. I think this is a very big repercussion to my honesty and pride, though pride isn't the biggest factor here. On one hand I try very hard yet fail, the other, people label me as desperate and non-risk taker. Is there at least one soul out there that appreciates my motives for her? Must it always be flowers and stuff like that that appeals to females? If you think love/chemistry must be a big factor, you've obviously missed out the other ways one can express these traits without giving flowers, etc.

It is obvious why the divorce and unmarried rates in Singapore are so high -.- .... zzzz.... Haven't you read the papers recently?

The Mixed Boy

A poem challenge

2008-01-15T21:37:00.000+08:00

My lovely friend dared me a challenge, she wanted me to come out with a cute poem immediately. In about 5 min, I came out with this. I think it's worth the display since it's an effort. =)

Ariane, the small little girl,
Face of radiant and hair of curl,
Seen on a bench one day,
Dazing about and nothing to say.

Come along a simple guy,
Shirt, pants, forget the tie!
Sat beside her the same way she did,
Like a father and his kid.

He noticed her open left hand,
Next to him with grains of sand,
He wanted to do something special and within an hour,
He gave her a flower.

She looks shocked, with tear of joy,
As similar to receiving a toy.
She outstretched her hands and gave him a hug,
Together now, they hold hands and lavished on the sweetness of love.
I know this doesn't rhyme,
But it doesn't matter now, maybe next time.

The Mixed Boy

What an unlucky day...

2008-01-04T23:23:00.000+08:00

I think today I'm really unlucky:

1) I went to Clementi to get PSP accessories but they only have PSP slim's, waste of time.

2) I went to TANGS to get my slipper, one of the sales assistant completely ignored me and went to attend an older man who would probably seem to have more money than I do. What a bitch... Then when I managed to ask another assistant for the size, they didn't have my size... Waste of time again.

3) I went to Lucky Plaza to get the PSP accessories. One promising store had the best price but told me sold out. Another one had a bastard that didn't quote me the price with GST and I assumed that it was 50 dollars, then when he finally gave me the product he said $53.50. Might as well charge me originally 54 dollars. Asshole. Not only that, I asked him issit 3600mA and he said yes, now he gave me a 2200mA, I was ripped off.. Fucking bastard. Now I'm so lazy to go back to the place. Waste of time and money, I'm not going there anymore. Bastard... Hope he gets retribution. Stupid idiot...

4) I went to White Sands to help two other friends bid, but I didn't listen to her and I bidded onto a wrong tutorial slot. Now I'm the only one in the slot with 1344points deducted. I feel like an idiot when the original slot that we discussed was only 600+. I feel like dropping it and rebidding onto another module. I'm so unlucky and tired now...

5) I went to Aranda Country Club and guess what, I don't seem to be one of the people that was welcomed there. No loud 'hi' or 'hey, welcome, wah long time never see you' something like that. It was just like 'errr... hi'. WTF If I wasn't invited might as well don't put me in the yahoo groups. What a waste of time there, I just went to McDonalds to eat instead. What a bloody waste of time and effort. I thought the whole new year would be a NEW year but instead it still remained as it was before. What's the use?

I need to re-organize my modules. I think I need to reconsider the mod I just took... It's really not worth it...

The Mixed Boy

The short-cuts in life

2008-01-04T14:43:00.000+08:00

Everyone likes short cuts... Who doesn't, but then when it comes to health I think people shouldn't be so stupid about it. Recently, I saw a "Chao guo tiao" cook use a plate to pour his noodles into the wok, subsequently used it to contain his cockles and then pour the fried noodles back onto the same plate where the cockles, RAW cockles (don't know whether fresh or not), was previously on. In a microbiological sense, it may contain unwanted microbes that can cause indigestion. Why is he so naive about that point?

Then there's the part where toilets are not suppose to be a smoking area. Even with a sign so clearly stated that you shouldn't smoke at all, there's this idiot who went into the cubicle and smoked his fucking cigeratte. His an asshole don't you know that? If you want to smoke and kill yourself, go somewhere else. Why choose in a place where it's airconditioned and it will re-circulate the fucking smoke back into the same area again.

Have you ever been played out before? I guess a lot huh? How about in terms of a relationship? Well it's not referring to me, I'm still single. It about those who are in a relationship but feel bored with their current ones, so they go hunting for others behind their own partners' back. That's sick. Spoils the who notion about being sincere and sacrificing for your love ones. Sux...

I think Singapore should rethink the way it's sucking our money dry. On one hand, it's a really brilliant plan to constantly keep up with the competition AND save for the future; one the other hand, it's literally sucking us dry with every salary we get. Everyone, in turn, becomes a blood sucking back stabber. No one wants to help/donate/enjoy life anymore, it's just doing them for the sake of doing them. Tolls in Malaysia are already expensive enough, but have that same scenario back in Singapore(ERP) just that you reduce the values /distance to a few dollars/kilometers, it's almost the same thing. It's like a mini-Malaysia here. Very soon bus boarding prices will increase; taxis are like hell now; GST would probably increase to 10% QUITE soon, don't know when; tuition fees for Uni will jack up soon I guess, thinking for my future children is like raising a nuclear bomb - so much time and money. Yet, there is little people can do or voice out about the situation. Even if we did, I think it would take another few years to decades for a slight improvement to take place. Then comes the part where Mr Goh used to mention about Singaporeans being "quitters". I don't deny the fact that some Singaporeans who migrate to Australia, etc, are somehow quitters. But having the scenario that we are having now, don't you think we, as Singapore, are promoting migration? I know in terms of team building and being a 'family', we SHOULD stick together in times of bad, but this is somehow ridicules. Singapore is one of the SAFEST place for business as well as to live in, but hold there a second, don't you think it's like paying for security? Hmmm...

If you give a person, be it a woman or man, a slightly well-to-do partner, don't you think he/she would probably take it? Who doesn't want to be driven? Who doesn't want a lovely car? Who doesn't want a lovely big house with a pool and damn nice facilities? Who doesn't want a house by the seaside? Who doesn't want a loving, understanding partner? But this obsession for unrealistic dream is getting too dry... It just narrows up their choices, it also makes their judgment wrong. For the search of a good life, divorce numbers would definitely increase with every wrong choice made. Why are there people who spoil the actual meaning of getting married? That being married makes them one and not two singles who happen to live together? Why do they spoil my dream of what my own marriage should sound like? It's so ugly now that I don't even think of getting married anymore, not to mention having children. Oh my God, having children requires so much work, so much understanding, so much patience. You need to understand that the World is that bad and that your child is liable to pick them up. Then how about the cost of education in the near future? Uni now is like buying a car, Uni in the future is like buying TWO cars now... That is taking that GST, inflation remains at the level right now...Then what if your child is rather materialistic? He/She desires for branded stuff, then you'll be grinding your ATM cards at the grinder every now and then. Then what if your child learns to be unforgiving or selfish? DO you believe in Karma? Do you think it will apply to you in future?

There's so much to think and talk about... Just don't want to think about them, its so way over my control, but if it's within our grasp to imagine, it is definitely possible for it to come to reality. It is just in a matter of when...

P.S. I apologise to anyone who thinks that my opinions are too crude or have offended anyone. If anyone know that it is illegal to place such comments, please do leave a comment. I do not know whether it is possible to place them in the first place and I don't think I would want to risk my life getting charged for something I'm not aware of. Thank you...

The Mixed Boy

Karma on Christmas day

2007-12-25T11:06:00.001+08:00

Somehow I noticed that karma caught up to me. Those were the days when we teased Anand, now it comes back to me. As one would say, "what goes around comes around", I also have no idea why did Ann wanted me to wear the Santa clothes. I felt dumb but didn't want to crash her feelings towards the gathering. Then there was the time when they made me stand on the bench to count from 30, which they actually tricked me into doing that stupid pose. Then there was the mass spraying of foam onto me, I felt the biggest loser at that time already. Somehow I really shouldn't have gone for the gathering in the first place. I should have followed my instincts. I don't really think they ever thought of me as a good sport, rather, they were out to have their own fun, neglecting the other people's fun.

I also don't understand why people got off well in their life, with good jobs and good pay, lovely girlfriend who keeps them company, and probably have little worries about their results; while I have no intention to work yet, don't really have a potentially good pay coming, no girlfriend (because no one wants to consider me), and I worry like hell about my grades. Shuresh did mention that I should no matter what should enjoy my life. But that's the difference between him and me. Most of them are in Engine, while I'm in some field that have no one to talk to. I'm literally a loner there. I hear them talk about connections within themselves, music industries, cooperate companies, etc. But it just doesn't have my name in it. Nothing they say has any inclination to what I can potentially get strings at...

Now I'm lost, confused and depressed. I completely don't know where my drive and passion went to. I'm just upset and want to talk to someone (who willingly listens) or have a sign from God. At least tell me that things will get better; at least give me hope that there's something to fight for even when I'm getting freaking shit from everyone around me. Because no matter what, no one appreciates the things I do in life.

The Mixed Boy

The City Harvest Church experience...

2007-12-23T23:19:00.000+08:00

Before I start my entry, I want to say that I don't have any affiliation with the religion. In fact, I'm not really inclined to any, just don't let my dad see this haha... I've already gone to a point where I'm already a stray and don't mind being a stray. I believe there IS a GOD, but not inclined to any particular one. Besides all that, I ONLY went to the church to see my close friend perform in a live stage drama. He's always into drama just that this is the first time seeing him doing it...

The astonishing thing that I noticed in the service was that even though I find it very strange to believe in a religion, yet the people around me sang their church songs so wholeheartedly. To me, it seemed more like national day songs when people sang together in peace, harmony and unity... I like that feelings, that people trust one another and we work together to make this go round. Yet, I feel very awkward at the place where I'm standing/sitting. I just don't really know what to do, so I just remained quiet. Why do they need to sing songs to the Holy God? Think about it for a second, aren't rituals or prayers suppose to be formal and solemn? I mean it is BELIEVED to be but different religion practices different ways of prayers. I find Christianity a little... "fun". But of course, I'm still not into it.

Anyway, they were singing songs about Christmas too and it was soothing. Till you start seeing all those couples out there, makes you want to "cry" -.- Sick... Back to the part when I said about the songs, if you managed to watch the video below, if not, you can refer to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jIbbebaXBM , they were singing 'Silent Night'. The really nice thing was when the place was dark and slowly everyone passed their own flame to the one beside them to light it up. As more and more light up, the place becomes really brightly lit and it was really cool. It feels good inside. Feels like being in JC again... I really missed those councilor days... It also has the alternative notion that no matter how dark it is, as long as one holds a light (be positive), the rest adopting it can pass the light around to light up the situation. I really missed alot of things I used to do... I missed having someone to talk to without her thinking that I'm always talking about myself... I missed hugging and holding someone warm when I feel lonely and cold inside...

The Mixed Boy

Capability VS bullying

2007-12-17T20:30:00.000+08:00

I'm on the 5th day of reservist and as unfortunate as I was back in school, I've got lots of things to do. I went to HQ with the most claim forms again; with the most problems among the claim forms; abundant attendance taking throughout the week and probably many more to come. I never knew I was the only personnel who is discipline enough to stay back and finish up my work as well as others because I always had the thought that if I want my document processing to be good, I should do the same for other reservists. Then there comes to the point about capability vs bullying. They know very well that I'm capable and knowledgeable in the office processes, and because the other full time national service personnel aren't as experienced and disciplined, they dump most of the things to me. They say they 'trust' me more than their own members. I feel honoured, but this isn't the way to get around the office. They are tiring me out faster without realising it. In fact, their personnel SHOULD learn how to do these simple stuff so that they would get along better. I'm only there for 2 weeks, they on the other hand, much longer. If they count on me to do stuff, they would soon be back in their ditch once again.

I also noticed that I've been staying way beyond the office hours, especially up till 9pm, while the rest leaves about 6 or even earlier. I think I should relax a little, I'm just a reservist, I should not take the major bite of the cake. Everyday I come home feeling a little tired and upset because there's nothing much to do. And when I come home, it's always my mom that doesn't give me the space I want. I'm starting to feel that being capable is opening your chances of being mis-used. Even things at home require me to handle, I'm always the one to go back early to rectify the problem. The best part is that I'm not even PAID to do all these... I'm working like a consultant but not even paid as one. So am I being capable or just being bullied?

The best cure for upsets is to talk to someone close. But guess what? I don't HAVE anybody close to talk to. All they say is that I talk about myself too much... Ya, that's the whole idea, duhhhh... It's not like if I don't talk about myself, you wouldn't talk about YOURSELF and YOUR dumb things, dumbass... I wish I have someone that I can call to talk to, preferably female... I'm feeling the dumps more and more each day... Hope it gets better with the new year.... It's the year of the RAT. My year.... -.-

The Mixed Boy

The horrifying thing about exams and reservists...

2007-12-13T22:35:00.000+08:00

I never knew when I come back for reservist, I would be placed into lots of shit. I used to be the staff assistant for my director, even though it seemed that I looked more like a personal assistant. I was the 'Jack of traits' in the office; I knew every single bit of how things should be done and what to do when problems come about. Just recently, a new system has been in placed, AND because I'm around, I was EXPECTED to learn the new system IN ORDER to do the make up claims for my fellow reservist men. Only because my colleague who is in charge of the pay claims just got married and is away on marriage leave. I on the other hand had the luxury of running around the past 3 days and trying to learn the techniques of the new system. I even had to go all the way to Ubi Ave 4 to as a few questions which turned out to be some simple maneuvering of the keys. Reading the guidelines is like reading notes of another module in my university. It's kinda traumatizing. But if I don't do it, who will? I wouldn't want a case where my own claims get delayed for no reason. I rather do it myself... Oh well, tomorrow's another day worth of claims to sort out. Not only that, my in-charge expected me to learn EVERYTHING is there to know about the office's role, JUST because I used to be the staff assistant of the previous director. -.-||| Sux....

Oh well, I kinda dug out some photos that I suppose to put up some time ago. It's about my 'confinement' in my house during exams again. A week worth of 'confinement' could cause me to become a caveman. OMG... The 3rd photo is when I started on my first paper...

The Mixed Boy

Cardio =======> Cua dio!!!

2007-12-04T15:09:00.000+08:00

Cua dio = Got shocked

Can't believe what just happened this morning... Was a disaster... I was attacked by some unknown questions and I had no means of retaliating... Followed by that I had several symptoms that I eventually managed to handle... Here's what you can expect if you happen to have these symptoms...

When you start seeing the questions and you got a big shock, the very VERY least you can get is an anaphylatic shock. Anaphylatic shocks are potentially dangerous so you'll probably not get it unless you have a weak heart to begin with. Your body will respond by lowering your blood pressure very much, having said that, you're venous return will be low as well. Because there's a low venous return, you'll have a high V/Q matching and your pulmonary capillaries will further dilate, increasing the amount of blood flowing through. Not to mention that your end diastolic volume will be low and with that can cause low cardiac output (CO). Because mean arterial pressure (MAP) is measured by CO x total peripheral resistance (TPR), and BECAUSE with vasodilation, TPR is lower with increasing radius and thus MAP is low.

Because of the nature of the scare, the low pressure can kick in for some time. The body cannot handle the long low pressure and will turn to other means. Baroreceptors initiate increasing noradredaline and adredaline into the systems to try vasoconstricting the vessels to increase MAP. It also reduces the parasympathetic response onto the heart so that the heart can increase in heart rate. Angiotensin II, endothelin and vessopressin CAN also be activate to vasoconstrict and retain water/salt balances in the body, increasing the blood volume. Be very cautious that if you have a light headed feeling, just put your head onto the desk and try to relax. Because of the initial low blood pressure, blood tends to flow to the feet very fast, leaving little blood flow to the brain. They brain must have a constant flow of blood otherwise it can 'die'. Usually the patient will just proceed to syncope, but of course, we wouldn't want that in the exam hall, would we? We also don't want you to take this module again, do we? o.O

Besides CO, you will experience some light headed sensation because of hyperventilation. Hyperventilation increases the oxygen content and decreases the carbon dioxide content in your blood. This can cause respiratory alkalosis when your bicarbonates are reduced and your pH values shifts to a higher one. The shift can disrupt calcium balances and cause cramps. The best way is for you to relax and breathe slowly. Think happy thoughts, think about what's going to happen after the paper or something like that. Your carotid chemoreceptors will detect the change in pH and assist you in the alkalosis. What could really hit you very hard now is when you see the lecturer next to you and looking eye to eye with you before giving a sinister smile at you. Atrial or worse ventricle fibrillation can occur. By then, you should count on your neighbour to start calling the nearest hospital before you collapse.

We advice everyone taking the things easy and practice good ventilation. Don't look up at your lecturer if you already have these symptoms. If you your lecturer asked whether you are ok, just nod and pretend that you are trying to do the questions. That will shoo them away, in fact, that lessens the chance of you getting fibrillation, congrats, you made it. In very special cases, some patients do experience phaeochromocytoma, a tumour that resides at your adrenal medulla to excrete explosive amounts of adredaline and that could spell out berserk reaction. He/she might start going on a rampage and cause much more danger. We hope that if anyone who cannot take the paper, please don't try to resist, just tear the paper... That'll do you much better and save more lives that way... =)

P.S. This is all entertainment ya? I apologize to anyone who mistook the above information as real.

Words from Dr Jo
The Mixed Boy

Things did not go the way I hoped for...

2007-12-02T18:43:00.000+08:00

I thought I would be able to concentrate more this sem, but I noticed I can't. Then there's this issue of how to like someone and not like her at the same time... My grandfather just passed away in the middle of my exams and I find it hard to pay my respects especially all the way to Johor. I offered to go but never seem to find the convenience of my dumb parents to fetch me there when I they themselves allocated a time for me. I've changed my reservist dates about 4 times already. Finding it embarrassing enough, my dumb mother had to force me to change one more time just to fit to her dumb plans... I don't even have a good holiday already how can things get any worse?

Every time my parents tell me to do something, the more I'm not bonded to them. I know it's morally bad but I think it's an accumulated feeling that they fail to understand from the past. I have to blame myself for being selfish but they should blame themselves for not being understanding. Material life is usually seem more important to them, never my social life...

Disheartened
The Mixed Boy

Nah-tion building

2007-11-30T21:52:00.000+08:00

Don't seem to find anything interesting about this module. I went in unprepared, wrote as much as I can, and left the place early. That's all I remember from this exam paper. I think I didn't managed to bond in the tutorial classes enough. There were only 4 and I think Jack was kinda ok. Just too bad it ended a little tad too fast. I didn't really contribute much in the forum, I hope what I've done so far is enough to give me a B or B+. I also hope what I did would give me that grade. This is one arts modules that I eventually got to dislike, too much boring details. But it'll probably leave a very old question behind for many people to wonder, "What if PAP were not the ones leading the country? What if they did not managed to persuade Tunku to merge by 1963? Would PAP have been dispersed or would they still continue to strive for independence?" Hmmmm.... I guess I'll leave these questions for historians or other students taking this module in future..

The Mixed Boy

LSM3211a - Fundamentals of Pharmo-"cock"-logy

2007-11-28T17:51:00.000+08:00

This blog is dedicated to all who took fundamentals of pharmacology today at MPSH1. You know how much stress we all feel studying for all the modules we're taking right? But don't worry guys and gals, read the article below. It shows how we can have a simple drug to relief the stress level.

"Stress, part of the process whereby adredaline and noradredaline is released from the adrenal medulla and pre-synapses respectively. The adredaline keeps your heart pumping and pumping like a horse racing against time on a race. Sometimes the blood pumped up to your brain gets too much and causes extreme headaches, and if it persists, clotting can happen and stroke will be next. Ya, you can take aspirin to bring down the hyperalgesic levels and headaches, but you'll probably bleed out of your anus far faster than having a proper subsiding of the painful effect. How about clopidogrel? OH ya... that drug... You think that will help your problem? Unlikely... Maybe we can tackle the problem from the root. We can take reserpine, but that would make you some dull, sad man thinking that his life's in the dumps. Guanethidine? Bretylium? Tell you a simpler, safer method...

Introducing FUN-crolimus!!! It is a nasal spray that reduces adredaline levels as well as increase 'fun' factor gene transcription to induce a lighter mood for the user. It is a steroid that is relatively easy to be absorbed and resides in the lipid membrane for long lasting effect. It also increases bronchodilation so that the user can breathe smoother and slower with abundant amount air. Because it is a steroid, there will probably some side effects like hyperlipidemia, craziness, psychosis and hyperglycemia. However, it is tested that a spray per day is enough and not dangerous enough to induce a relaxing, happy time.

If nasal spray is too cumbersome for you, why not get Fun-butomal. It is an inhalant and is relative easy to use. It has almost the same effects and side effects as Fun-crolimus. It has been tested with 5000 over testers and have has a good significance, p<0.5.>

P.S. Information applied is not entirely true. I sincerely apologise to anyone who misinterpreted the information. It is for entertainment purposes only...

Article provided by Dr. Jo
The Mixed Boy

Ho Bo? BO HO!!!!! AST should be done on the lecturers to check for resistant of sidetracking.

2007-11-26T12:03:00.000+08:00

Ho Bo - Feeling good; Bo Ho - Not feeling good

Thia marks the end of MicroB and all it's nonsensical rat race around the module trying to find the real theme. It's not clear until you read it yourself and from the text book. But it amuses me how the lecturers actually try to illustrate their notion on trying to appreciate MicroB as it is. No matter how large or general the field is, they manage to repeat the same thing again and again, "You have to appreciate the beauty of the microbial world", "they may be small but they are very tough and much tougher than us, so we cannot 小看 'small look' them". OMG, all these drilling words actually come into play from them. Oh well, no matter how much they try, it wouldn't interest me one bit. However, medical microB is still the most interesting. I expected malaria to come out for the exam but it didn't. So sad. It was one of the topics that I was fully prepared. In fact, the whole paper was screwed up. I didn't expect them to come out with such questions, either ambiguous or never thought of. Can't believe that I even forgotten to add in the oxidase and catalase test for identifying Streptococcus epidermis and Staphylococcus aureus. Oh well...

Come to think about it, don't you think it's rather fascinating on how the microB world is quite similar to ours yet so different? If eukaryotes are able to evolve to become what it is, then why not prokaryotes? What got me thinking was the illustration of a virus or bacteria cell penetrating a host cell. Under the penal code of 375, Chapter XVI of Singapore law, it is stated that :

A man is said to commit “rape” who, except in the case hereinafter excepted, has sexual intercourse with a woman under circumstances falling under any of the 5 following descriptions:

(a) against her will;

(b) without her consent;

(d) with her consent, when the man knows that he is not her husband, and her consent is given because she believes that he is another man to whom she is or believes herself to be lawfully married or to whom she would consent;

(e) with or without her consent, when she is under 14 years of age.Explanation.
Penetration is sufficient to constitute the sexual intercourse necessary to the offence of rape.
Exception.
Sexual intercourse by a man with his own wife, the wife not being under 13 years of age, is not rape.

Punishment for rape.
376. —(1) Subject to subsection (2), whoever commits rape shall be punished with imprisonment for a term which may extend to 20 years, and shall also be liable to fine or to caning.

23/84.

(2) Whoever, in order to commit or to facilitate the commission of an offence of rape against any woman —

(a) voluntarily causes hurt to her or to any other person; or

(b) puts her in fear of death or hurt to herself or any other person,
and whoever commits rape by having sexual intercourse with a woman under 14 years of age without her consent, shall be punished with imprisonment for a term of not less than 8 years and not more than 20 years and shall also be punished with caning with not less than 12 strokes.

Just imagine........ Just imagine if the penal code inflicts on virus/bacteria on cells.

A virus/bacteria is said to commit “rape” who, except in the case hereinafter excepted, has sexual intercourse (conjugation?) with ...... another bacteria??? under circumstances falling under any of the 5 following descriptions:

(a) against ... its will;

(b) without its consent;

(c) with its consent, when it consent has been obtained by putting it in fear of death or hurt(e.g. Plasmodium falciparum having a 'gang bang' in one of the RBC);

(d) with its consent, when the virus/bacteria knows that it is not her ....??? rightful mate? , and the former's consent is given because it believes that the latter is another virus/bacteria to whom the former is or believes itself to be lawfully married??? or to whom it would consent;

(e) with or without it consent, when it is under 14 years of age( don't need lah, micro-organisms have very little life span anyway, it should be throughout it's life span... hahaha...).
Just imagine how many prosecutions the Public Prosecutor and Judge has to handle? Haha... probably about errmmmm a few KA-ZILLION!!! I guess that's why viruses and pathogenic bacteria are considered harmful and unfavourable in our society. They do 'bad' things... Ahaha...Hopefully I'll score in this module...

Reference:
Penal Code. accessed on 26/07/2007 @ 1208hrs.
http://statutes.agc.gov.sg/non_version/cgi-bin/cgi_retrieve.pl?actno=
REVED-224&doctitle=PENAL+CODE%0A&date=latest&method=part

P.S. All information that is used from the penal code is for entertainment. I sincerely apologize to anyone who is offended or misinterpreted the rightful connotations of the law itself. Amendments made in the law is not official and is for entertainment. I.E. IT IS NOT REAL. Besides the actual law of rape itself. If anyone knows that I can't place the penal code on the blog because it's against the law, pls do let me know, because I'm not sure whether it is possible to regurgitate the code and rectify it. Thank you very much.

The Mixed Boy

Siiiiilent night, booooooorrrrrring nighhht...

2007-10-06T01:38:00.000+08:00

I just thought maybe I should type out something before I sleep. It's kinda boring yesterday, I went to school in the morning, my father tried talking to me but failed because he said very obvious cheesy sentences. I got to school and parked my laptop at the same place I always place it. Lingered till 1130am then had lunch with my junior before she left shortly after that to get her jacket -.- I dragged myself to the lecture theatre just to find myself sleeping at most of the lecture. Had micrB lab at 2 which took the whole 4 hours, sooooo boring, and there's soooooooooo much to learn and know and intepret. I just wonder how are we suppose to derive the micro-oragnisms without any sources in the first place. The results can state ANYTHING, how in the hell is someone to confirm that something is Staphylococcus epidermidis by just looking at the morphology, catalase & oxidase test, and gram stain? Even if it is relatively possible, where can we start looking for it? Kinda dumb, had only less than 1 week to complete the report. I'm really afraid I can't finish by then. Still have a test on Monday to read for and it's all conceptual based.

My com kept lagging in Day of Defeat Source, makes the game sooooooo boring then. Meilan talked to me online, strange of her to suddenly pop up from somewhere, but she's usually like that online. At least she talked to me, the rest couldn't seem to find the interest to click on my nick at all...

Later I need to go over to Holland V to teach my cousin some Life Science stuff, she's talking general Bio as her breath and couldn't understand some concepts. Need to go over to clarify some things. Well at least can get to see what her house looks like.

I guess I need to stay over in school again to rush for the report once more... I hate doing such things... Especially when I've not even started on reading the readings for nation building. I'm way behind schedule... I've not even checked my previous test scores, knowing that I'd do badly and would want to compare grades with others, and then feel sad because I'm surely doing worse than them. It's times like these that I want someone to be beside me to talk to me, humans are humans afterall. No matter how optimisstic they can be, there will always be a lingering of pessimism to balance up his/her life. As one would say, "Life's about ups and downs". This is one of the times I'm pessimistic, and I want to tell that person how I feel and want that person to tell me that it's alright. But it's not easy...

Throughout my 23 years of experience, I've been in more dumps than ups. Mainly because I do things the hard way to experience the same hardship as what others have gone through. I get to understand things more and not take things for granted. Yet, there are people who think it's dumb to do things this way, to have a principle that causes hardship on yourself. I don't expect them to understand my intentions, nor want them to persistently wanting to change who I am for their better. But there's a price to pay, when you are the middle child of 3, you'll never get the best of both worlds. The eldest will get what he wants without much resistance, you on the other hand have to learn from HIS mistakes, so more resistance for you; The youngest gets to be pampered the most among the three because times have change and because economy is slightly better. But being the elder, you have to display some discipline to show examples, that means more resistance to your motion. Sandwiched between two people. Not only that, your elder brother is labelled as the handsome guy and easy gotten a gf for more than 5 years, you're stuck with none. Your younger sibling is labelled the smartest now, thanks to the complacency that you gotten back at A' levels. Your parents don't listen to you even though they continously say that they do. Listening means using your ears to hear, not your mouth to deliberately say you want to listen or give advices for the problems mentioned. You've gotten yourself into a course that requires you to do double work while others slack off on their modules. You've gotten many ladies misunderstood of your intention but you just don't think there's a need to explain to them about it, since they would probably not listen to you. Your friends are slowly becoming aquaintences because they seldom talk to you; others get along with their other halves more... It's getting harder to concentrate for no particular reason at all. You know very well that you want to pull up your CAP, but your mind can't focus on work all the time. Clubroom don't seem clubroom anymore because of many new faces and most of them are dancers, whom group together always. Sometimes you just want to be so focused with work just to forget the pain around you. Sometimes you just want to hold someone's hand tightly and she in turn hold yours tightly too. Change is the only constant, yes, but a constant must be accompanied with a relation, a relation of variable events. These variable events can be controlled by you, ONLY if you choose to change it, or ONLY if you want to to keep some things the same. What is tangibly changeable and what's not? As you grow, your level of studies will change, you WILL advance to a higher system. Friendships DON'T change, only if you want to. Why do one say friends-4ever? Is it because you'll live forever as friends? It's not that, it's the endless friendship that binds two or more people together, feeling for one another that illustrates that notation. Then why do you still have that same strong feel for your pri,sec, JC or poly friends? Why do you have so much infinity for them as compared to those here who also fell as much for you? No matter how busy you are or how tired you are, you'll be able to find the time to msg...

All this thinking makes me want to eat sushi... I already missed my chance during term break because someone had to do UROPS all the time. -.- Even though I've already stated very very long ago that I booked that person for the occasion. What a bummer.... Taking time off is sooooo hard, if you really want to relax so much then why continue with work? Can't understand why people yearn for simplicity in their life but choose to fight for the wrong things... Simplicity in life doesn't mean that you live your life as some begger. It's getting a reasonable degree and taking things at proper pace even during studying, no rushing, no mugging, no nothing. Maybe studying, but only at pre-planned schedule. No human can continously study sooooooo hard for many many hours. You'd probably burn out or have a terrible headache.

I think I'm starting to spurt out nonsense since I'm already quite sleepy. Somehow I feel like there's more to type, but maybe I'll just leave it for next time.

The Mixed Boy

The bitterness of false hopes...

2007-10-02T00:34:00.001+08:00

The very bitterness of guy's false hopes ... is to hope for someone to inspire you to open up to her, like her, feels so attached to her, but eventually know that she's attached. Should have known that it's too good to be true, life isn't that all simple. But it's somehow a blessing in disguise to know the truth behind this, at least there would not be any misunderstandings. However, it feels so excruciating, you hope for so much but lost that much too. A 'high' jump with a 'heavy' drop. But also can't blame anyone or anything, it's just purely coincidence and luck that this happened. Need to treat her normally so that there's no conspiracy, something that is so hard to do... I just wish God wouldn't play around with my feelings that much...

Upset
The Mixed Boy

Term Break is Finished...

2007-09-30T11:11:00.000+08:00

Can't believe that term break is over, such a short stint. So disappointed that I've not done anything and not been anywhere with anyone... All the arrangements I've made all wasted because others can't take the time off even for a few hours. But it's ok... Kinda guessed that this would happen. I didn't get to study much also... I just don't know where to start and what to read... All look so messy to me and I'm still a little disoriented... Still in a holiday mood... Oh well...

Just cut my hair, feeling good about it because I'm starting to have problems with my hair. After that I visited Sim Lim Square alone, quite boring but at least I've gotten myself a few stuff. Gotten a 160 gig hard drive for my sister, a new mouse, 1gig ram for my laptop, 2 gig thumb drive because my thumb drive was lost, and ink for my printer. By God, I just spent 243 dollars in a blink of an eye... I'm starting to dislike Fuwell, the employees there are sooooo arrogant and don't seem interested in helping you out. I think I should approach another shop next time... I saw a few good deals for SKY's 2.5" HD, at least about 100 plus. But it's a 160gig... it's quite a good deal... As compared to my 160gig 3.5" HD that worth 143dollars, I think the 2.5" is way good deal... I didn't managed to find good sleeves for Vaness, knowing that she would like some cool designs. They only sell good quality ones but with little designs... Hmmm... Besides all these, I guess I can't upgrade my laptop's processing speed at all since there's no way in upgrading it...

I also didn't manage to get Vaness for dinner, she had to meet up with an old friend who she didn't see for ages... Guess I was too late but in either way, I still think she should have that meeting with her friend. So I went to the market near my house to grab some KFC. I swear to you, I think I'll never go there again. The employees there were mainly Secondary School students, judging by their way of speech and actions. I like their enthusiasm and communication BUT they show very little respect and interest in serving their customers. Their service is so slow that the line just pile up; they are so nonchalant about their actions that they don't really care if they spurt out vulgar languages or what-so-ever. And the best thing is that they don't seem to care about the increasing length of the queue. The floor manager just continue walking in and out without encouraging his members to quicken their pace -.- Can't believe it. With me as the 2nd customer, I had to wait more than 15min to be served, dumb right? I had a large appetite before that, but after seeing how they work, it turned into a small one... Never going back there again...

At home, chatted with Vanes, in fact I've chatted with both Vanes-es that I know, one had a bad mood, one was damn sleepy. Don't know whether is it me again having wrong timings. I do noticed that there are more Christians and Catholics around because among the people I've conversed, most of them are Christians. It's not a bad thing, nothing of the sort, it's just a noticeable thing. After both of them went offline, Tammy suddenly messaged me. Apparently, she went to Harsh's birthday party. She told me that Harsh wore three elegant dresses that night and she looked very nice. Hmmm... During the party, they drank some alcohol so Tammy can't sleep. I don't know why she can't sleep, she just feels awake after drinking but can't concentrate hard enough to study. So she can't do anything at that moment other than stone. But it was about 2 plus in the morning and I felt quite tired already, so I said good night and went to sleep... Another day gone...

I wish we had some cereals around, I feel like crunching on them...

Disappointed
The Mixed Boy

Happy Mid-autmn festival

2007-09-25T19:54:00.000+08:00

Happy Mid-autmn festival to my SOW comm 06 and friends, I will never forget last year we all dressed up in our JC/secondary school uniforms, went to Fong Seng to eat supper, played sparkle and talked about so many things back in Science Clubroom. Guess it's time we all moved on from here... But to me, it's still right down here *pointing to heart*. I miss you Geraldine and Suyi who are in Australia now...

Jo

TERM BREAK!!! Then why am I here studying?

2007-09-24T20:24:00.000+08:00

Finally, the term break, the sun, the sand, and the..... homework? WTH.. Why am I stuck behind studying for the modules when I'm suppose to be out playing man... I can't even concentrate... The drama "Great Teacher Onizuka" is super inspirational and fun... Been watching it on crunchyroll.com... It's so much more enlightening watching the students in the show smile and laugh than the people around me mugging till the ends of the world... -.-

Well, got to be happy for what I am and what I have. Some people prefer that their path is inevitable and prioritized. I won't blame them anymore... I've got no right to do so... "You should be you" That's what Onizuka said.. Sometimes he makes teaching so much fun but in real fact it's quite stressful. But what's more fruitful than seeing your students be your friends and receiving the "thanks" they give after every commendable thing teachers do. Teachers are still human, there will be times that they don't know what we ask from them... That's when students take advantage of the situation and turn tables. An understanding class(including teacher) is a fun class... I remember the days when I had so much fun with all the teachers, talking to them, helping them, talking about my classmates problems and how to help them. And I thought being caring would be a good virtue, when comes to Uni, everyones a critic.

I still remember in a newspaper there used to be a comic strip that showed quited an ugly woman(as a comic character) going through a beauty parlor and coming out as a beauty. Then it stated above the comic strip, "Beauty is only skin deep". I think trust is also only skin deep, when you don't look trustable, people just naturally try to avoid you. I won't deny that I don't trust a few people in my life, most of the time I don't even trust my parents because I already know their pattern. But if I don't trust or gain the trust of the people around me, I don't feel angry, I just feel sad. It's either I lose a friend or I don't gain any. It's totally out of my agenda in school... I wanted to have a new life in Uni, to find friends I can chill out with, who trusts me and who wants to talk to me because they want to. But it's just so hard to get them, everyone had their own friends to start with from the previous institutes. But Uni is still so much fun to explore than trying to salvage for friends... Being alone is just a phase in life we all must go through once in a while...

You know what? I think I'm just finding excuses, I'm weak to start off... I may be wild and have many dumb ideas but dumb ideas don't get any attention from the intellectuals you see in school. All they do is say "mug" or "study" or "mug". O.O Exactly, they only say these few stuff... Well at least towards me, then with their own clique, they start yapping on some topic that I can't participate in. What a bummer... that's what you can expect from a person like me... Haha... Doesn't matter...

Shu Ying did say that she'll be studying in the library with me, but I bet she either forgets for have too much to do in lab, as usual. I shouldn't place too much hope on things which are intangible... As one would say, "With great expectations, the greater the disappointment" or "The bigger they are, the harder they fall". However, I would like her to take things slowly and prioritize her work properly, it's easy to say but hard to do. Whatever it is, we're still human, when there's a need to rest, then we should rest. Even machines can break down, not to mention erythrocytes(matured red blood cells), they only last about 120 days.

Vanessa reminds me of Tomoko in GTO, silly/ditz but with good intentions. Probably that's why I like stroking her hair. Unlike Vanessa herself, she also reminds me of very good junior I once had who looked up on me whenever she's got problem with school. Van in other words, have still much to be discovered.

Yanlin is still as muggish ever since she stepped into Uni. It's not that I'm refraining her from studying but she's almost quite ultimate. I also wish she chooses the correct time to study whenever I approach her to talk. I don't intend to read between the lines of her actions and tone of conversation but if there's always something to be said, then say it. I'm not the brightest or most handsome guy in the university, but at least I'm someone who wants to know you more...

Jans called out my name today, she was in front of me before she called me. I merely smiled and say hi before walking pass her. You may wonder, aren't I the one who wanted to talk to her? Yes I do, but I after the quarrel with her choice of friendship and priorities, you think it's still an appropriate time to talk to her? I'm not the one who backed out on friends, I don't need her to call out my name, any Tom, Dick and Harry can do that, I need her to willingly talk to me...

I've not been talking to Mus as frequently as we used to. I don't really know what happened up till now. His actions and tone changed drastically, he's not as enthusiastic as he used to be also. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions but that's I know from my side. I hope he takes things easy and study hard for his last year on Uni... Not everything is a bed of roses, we lose battles but never lose the war...

I'm not progressive in my studies, first it was the thought of money that makes me sick, now it's the thought of studying like mad that makes me mad. I'm being more of a text book than being a wise man. I'm just merely reading out of books and memorizing them, it's becoming more of a headache for me than a breeze. I still like what I'm doing, Life Science, it's something we are brunching out to. Potent drugs(pharmacological terms means medicine or chemicals that have interactions with the biological systems) are needed for vaccines and cures. There's not much time, there is a need for more intellectuals. Even so, it makes me sadder that people like me are left behind, no matter how much I've desired to help the people fight against the diseases. If doctors can have fun while being in hospitals, talking to patients and nurses and colleagues, why can't a lab researcher who is under Life Science do the same thing? Why can't people loosen up even during work? I just really can't understand...

It's been some time since I've blogged. Blogging is like a secrecy to liking someone, when you think of someone, the first thing you want to do is think of what can you do to get her attention. Similar to blogging, when you see something, you also would want to think of what to type in. It's periodical that you 'see her' but when things between you and 'her' don't go right, then the 'relationship' ends...

"You don't have to be a friend to have guts, but you need to have guts to be a friend"
The Mixed Boy

Dull as usual

2007-09-16T00:24:00.000+08:00

If you are expecting that I have a hell of a time in school, no, that's not the case. I find this sem really different because I find it very very hard to concentrate. Probably because of my condition. But I"m still trying my best. Modules are becoming harder because it tests on the basis of Biology once again, and that means I've to read up much more just to keep up with the rest. Microbiology isn't my forte, but I'm taking it right now, never knew that even some dumb facts that we learned from lecture ALSO had to be referenced. Stupid, but that stupid thing cost me a B for my damn report. Can't believe this. Not only that, I've got 3 tests next week and a report to complete by next Friday. Even before the recess week comes the lecturers still have to put so much shit on me just to squeeze every little bit of stamina. So dumb...

Ever since D&D's done, it's been me, myself and me everyday. I don't feel welcomed in clubroom as what it felt during the two years. Things change, they had to, but even though some people say that we ought to “饮水思源“, I don't think many actually really take that into consideration. Some people just deliberately close themselves for no reason what-so-ever, saying about shifting priorities. No matter how busy we are, at least we can't forget about the friends we used to have. So what if one needs to shift priorities, other parties need to too, it's mutual respect, simple courtesy that one at least talk things through about their behaviour. Why must others inform them of what they are doing for them to blame the former of their stupid/dumb assumptions. Think before you say about others, why would anybody, who is a friend, talk about this dumb behaviour of yours? Of course there's a sense of concern, simple as that. Why bother to be friends and then kick them off your list? I rather not even have such a friend in the beginning. Arh, such stupid reasoning.

Went out with WeiHeng and the D&D comm for a celebration yesterday. I didn't follow them for supper because of this FUCKING tests coming up as well as the stupid report. I'm not even in the comm, I just merely helped out a friend edit the video. I just felt out of place then. I already felt out of place in many places. Didn't really have much feel to go on a frenzy. Oh well, I just hope that the S/U options will come out soon, and also that my previously S/U-ed modules get a B or B+ so that I can retract them. I need to S/U this nation-building. I rather not take anymore arts modules. Eeyer...

Managed to get to level 21 in Rappelz, a strider. Eugene introduced to me, well it's like another silkroad online just that it's slightly more depth. Kinda disrupted me from studying pharmaco throughout the day. I even slept so much in the afternoon, that too, took much of my time to study the module. Tomorrow's Understanding the Universe, I need to complete the lecture notes before night so that I can do a little bit of the pharmaco tutorial for Monday. Oh no.. I'm really stressed this week, I need to confirm whether my S/U can be retracted or not.

Why is it that I always want to like someone but she always happen to be taken or interested in someone else that I know or just simply not getting my hint? Haiz... So tired...

Tired, droopy eyes
The Mixed Boy

Why?

2007-09-07T00:23:00.000+08:00

Why must a change in priorities lead to shunning oneself from friends? Why must we be governed by the numbers of our CAP score? Why things don't fit at all no matter how much you think? Why must I lose friend by friend each time I grow a moment older? Why must everyone think that being a group of friends means isolating themselves to stupidity? Is it so hard to be with a friend?

The Mixed Boy

User is currently on vacation

2007-08-24T00:05:00.000+08:00

The Analyst VS The Analyst yet Practical

2007-08-05T11:19:00.000+08:00

Movie loading...

*Warning - Movie may cause player to malfunction*

The Mixed Boy

Confused, frustrated and depressed...

2007-07-12T22:24:00.000+08:00

I want to keep telling myself that I'm good to go, but I'm tired... I just don't have the drive, I'm upset that it happened to me and why me? How can one be so strong yet be so weak? I got so much in my mind, want to tell someone, someone close, but there's no one... Everyone's busy... My worries spread among almost everything, half of it on my health. I feel upset when I talk to people but their minds on something else. I once thought that my active personality could possibly appeal to people, now with that down, period, I'm not sure what am I anymore...

Stoned
The Mixed Boy

More secrets unrevealled.

2007-07-01T22:25:00.000+08:00

Haha.. I feel like I'm the last one to know about things... Because I've gotten to know about two secrets that left me hanging. All the best to the two person that I had trouble these two years trying to communicate with. May your love life carry you far ahead in your life.

My body's still unfit. I can hardly go ahead of 2 sets of 40 sit-ups. I still feel weak mentally and the phobia's still around. I also feel dumb for organizing an outing for an og that I hardly know. I think I'm just plain dumb gullible...

The Mixed Boy

DoMo - Hybrid of Dory and Nemo...

2007-06-30T11:34:00.000+08:00

My body's recovering already from the incident and I'm kinda glad that's happening. I REALLY need to do some exercise because I'm getting fatter. Kinda glad that I could crash SCAMP during the few days also, even though I didn't get to play that much. I enjoyed the sleep over at Coasta Sands as well as the bash. I also want to thank everyone who came down to my 'factory' that night for the visit. Haha.. It's really hard to get leave from my boss... *We had the bash at The Butter Factory*. Everyone's getting on with their thing, it's been hard to fit in after three days of camp. Only managed to hustle up some freshies by the end of the sleep over. Nemo and Dory are the only two groups I've managed to get closer to. Well, probably that's good enough. I still don't get to know them that well but at least there's some laughter. Sometimes I feel alittle lost that I missed out on the camp. But oh well, what can I do..

My costume's here already!!! I'm sooooo happy, now have to prepare for the DnD that's on the 1st of September. It's going to be a crazy night... yeah...

The Mixed Boy

Boring boring holidays

2007-06-18T14:58:00.000+08:00

It's been exactly one week since my incident. My health is gaining back slowly. I still can't brisk walk not to mention play games. I occasionally still experience restrictions to my breathing but can be countered by sitting up straight or eating lesser or standing up. I really screwed up my holidays. I'm upset and down. I wish my OG mates were here to talk to me everyday but it seems it's been long despaired. I turn to little in face of loneliness and comfort. Once calling my 'brother' or 'bro' has long phased out and left with a dead silence for weeks...

Still at home and recuperating
The Mixed Boy

The strangest feel of my life...

2007-06-14T17:09:00.000+08:00

I always thought I am a very fit guy, but it seems that my body fails to control the ordeal I've been through. Thanks to Sky, Yuhan, Muslim and Shijun, they visited me in the hospital while I was warded. Without them, I think it would have been very boring. There is much to be said about the incident but I think I'll choose another day to say it. In fact, I'm still suffering from post trauma symptoms and don't want to work myself up. I wished everyone was there to talk to me while I was bored and down, but sometimes it's just something I must do on my own...

Traumatized
The Mixed Boy

Clinical Trial number 2 incident

2007-06-11T22:14:00.000+08:00

I'm still in a traumatic stage and can't focus my thoughts on this problem. To sum up, I had a mild case of hypoglycemia and heat exhaustion. My life was on the line, I made it this far in life, I couldn't just lose consciousness. I'm still a little scared to sleep, it thought me part of how important life is...

Traumatized
The Mixed Boy

The disturbing silence

2007-06-08T00:38:00.000+08:00

As dawn breaks, as dawn becomes day,
Me Lord sprung out and comes to say,
"Call your grandfather, call your grandmother,
You don't know how long they'll stand through without the other"

"I'll try..." without a hint
The smile stood for a stint.
"What do you mean by a 'try'?
Say you'll do it, better than doing nothing you sly."

"Why aren't you reading those books?
National Geographic, Enid Blyton and all their cooks.
You think thee games will bring you glory,
Wait till thee grow up, then thy be sorry"

I don't know what's wrong with being oneself,
It's not degrading or provoking one's health.
I want friendship, I want joy,
Not loneliness or replacement of a toy.

Why can't people understand,
The pain I underhand,
The hopes and dreams I churn everyday,
But all there is is ashes that lay.

I can't stand it, I just can't lie,
Need to go to a place where things fly.
Took the train, bought a magazine,
Read till my mind went clean.

I looked out and saw the planes fly,
All I could do is smile yet sigh.
There's nothing much I can do there,
So I left for the other end without a care.

Appeared in the busk of people,
Some big and some little.
No one around to call "wassup"
So I settled for a Sub.

Library's the next place to be,
With comics and books to see.
Picked a book related to Psychology,
Better than history or Geography.

Read how life can be devestating and unkind,
But it all happens within one's mind.
No matter where, no matter when,
All that matters is to be happy now and then.

I find it fruitful and just,
So ends my searching task.
I returned to my very heaven,
Very long as long as 3 hours past seven.

Haven't had dinner then,
So I called up a friend.
Glad enough she agreed to come
And met her at ten pass ten.

Today may not be the best days of my life, but I think I've learnt lessons along the way. I started to understand that I'm good enough as it is, and yes I'm afraid...

The Mixed Boy

The vicious cycle and a critical decision...

2007-06-06T16:56:00.000+08:00

It's been about 1 week and a 1/2 ever since I came back from DSO for a clinical trial. After which, I watched the whole of "The Lord of The Ring" and the entire 6 seasons of "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air" continuously. It's very strange, so strange that a sense of emptiness just clouds my heart and mind. The movies I've watched gave me very meaningful reasons behind every plot, especially "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air". "The Lord of The Ring" taught me about projecting my strength from within to overcome many odds in life. I guess it's an upgrade from where I left off day after day. Fresh Prince is all about family and how a teenage guy, 'Will Smith', grew up in his relative's house for 6 years, from 15 years old to 21. It may not be as closely related to us Asians as the culture is a tat different, but the lessons learnt cannot lie. From studies, to girls, to growing up, besides the laughing, there's a lot of crying also. It's so strange that Asians were projected as people closely related to family but it seems that no matter how bad the problems Fresh Prince showed, they are still much closer to each other in the family as seen in Asians. I don't have to step any further than the borders of my country to give examples. Everyone's just in the world of their own, so indulged in things that interest them, things that make them feel good than things that are right. So indulged that even a mere reply of the sms seem so tedious and troublesome to show mutual respect to the one who bothers to send out in the first place. As heart broken as I see things as it goes, I still cannot cry. It's so empty and lost that it's not worth crying for. Have you had people promising to you things that are so easily broken in the first place? Have you gotten people criticizing you for not taking the initiative to ask or talk to them but when you do, they just shun or reject you? Haha... Seems so ironic huh? I'm angry, who wouldn't, but I've learnt not to be angry. I pity... not myself, but those who 'dis'(shun) me. It's not what I miss out but they themselves. I empathize myself for the heart and soul that I take out of me to respectfully acknowledge these people, but get brushed aside instead. I always wonder many questions of what adults think but now I'm starting to understand why adults worry so much about keeping contact with friends. It's never easy but harder when the other party doesn't do anything about it. I'm just disappointed.

Ever since the holidays started, things never been any better than school life itself. I made a few quarrels and misunderstandings but always ended me saying sorry on my part as well as for the other party's. I always have people around me who thought they know me well and want to give me advice for my problems, when all I needed was for someone with a keen listening ear to listen to me talk. And I don't mean listening half way and then divert your bloody attention to some bloody stupid thing. That's not even worth having your listening ear for. I don't understand why I make agreements to people who make arrangements before the holidays but did nothing to prepare for it during the hols. My ideas always flawed but theirs, a success. You know what? I give up... I give up on the numerous tries I always give for and in to the people who exploited my feelings. Don't go asking me who I'm referring to, I don't want to point out names what-so-ever. It's not even worth thinking about...

For this, I've decided to let go of X-Bat... Who knows, maybe SOW Comm 06 may follow suite...

I apologise to anyone who regarded my example of Asians and Americans to be offensive. It is merely a figurative of speech.

Given Up
The Mixed Boy

60hrs sleep deprivation - Personal experience

2007-05-29T21:01:00.000+08:00

I gave myself many long thoughts before of my own future, initially to be a doctor, then a pharmacist, and lastly to be a researcher. Researching is sometimes fun and sometimes stressful, usually the latter. But the thought of where I stand in the Life Science cohort now makes me so inferior of my position as a visionary award winner. However, it still feels good to discover and invent new stuff.

I couldn't get interns because I handed my resume too late and of course, inconsiderate people just refuse to allow die hard life science fans from gaining more experience in their own field. Anyway, I happen to come across a clinical trial in my yahoo group that sounded quite interesting. It was a study on the effects of caffeine and how concentrations vary one's alertness. Many people discouraged themselves from taking clinical trials because of certain risks in life that cannot be explained most of the time. In the name of Science, there is always a substantial level of risk, only thing is how much and it differs from one person to another. To me, it's a challenge and a good experience on how would a patient would feel when undergoing such experiments. Who knows, I might be the one who would BE the researcher in the end. So.... I went for the meeting to get the letter of consent. The experiment was simple, you can't take caffeine, that includes coffee, chocolate (yup chocolate has a very little amount of caffeine inside, much lesser than coffee), tea, coke, mountain dew (the carbonated drink), and sprite. Meals will be given to you, 3 meals per day PLUS tit bits and biscuits for in-betweens. There will be drawing of 4mL of blood (so we'll be on a cannula) and saliva every 8 hours, and quizzes every 4 hours as well as caffeine pills given every 2-6 hours each. The only downfall of the experiment was to stay awake for 60hrs, at one stretch. After which, you'll sleep for 12 hours before attempting 2 last quizzes. AND you can't bring in electronics that can storage memory, including laptops and PSP!!! ARRRRHHHHH!!!!! That's as loooooooooooooooong as the first Subaru challenge winner. There were cases where patients vomitted and pulled out some time around 40-60hrs. Hallucinations are also one of the cases. Risks such as these can be discouraging, yet, I'm willing to take up the challenge and do what's necessary for my future. Went for the screening and passed it flawlessly.

On the first day of the trial, 8 of us, Jia Hao, Wei Ming, Teck Lee, Johnathon, Eugene, Nathan, Auguste and I arrived in the laboratory. We were subjected to a cost room for adaption night, to adapt to the coldness of the place as well as to the food then. The food will be similar throughout all three days. The lounge is where we had to be throughout the 60hrs, had TV, DVD players, board games, pool table (with no balls -_- what the hell), table soccer (but no one wants to play it -_- what the hell) and wonderful cushions. So the night came and we were all not so keen to sleep that night, but who knows that we should have had more of sleep.

The first 20 - 30 hours was probably alright, everything was smooth and we did the test with much confident. From 35 - 50 hrs, time passed so slow as if every minute it was like a hammer driving a stock across our minds. It was draining up more energy trying to keep awake then trying to eat or watch the television. The only thing that could keep us awake as a game of Pictionary and Taboo. Only these two games could make us laugh ourselves awake. Was a good strategy and so that was the next 30 hrs of laughter, but the quizzes were still a terror. You can see bloodshot eyes and zombified faces every time we were pulled awake from the games. The quizzes were testing on the level of concentration at that moment. Believe me, it was REALLY hard to focus your mind and keep your eyes open during the quizzes. You will manage to see people facing awake or falling asleep during the quizzes. Not to mention zombified faces. Hahaha... Then you'll even hear beepings from one terminal to indicate that someone is pressing on a key for too long. Haha.. The feeling of wanting to complete the quiz is very very high but have reduced your confidence in performing well for the quiz to a very low percentage. Every time I do the test, I would have predicted what the researchers would have interpreted the data. It became clearer and clearer to me on what could have came out from the study itself. To me 60 hours is something really hard to accomplish with mere tactics such as watching TV or reading your favourite book, quite impossible. I develop headaches and severe dry lips. Drinking of water did not help since it's the air-conditioning that is causing the dryness. I took out my cannula after 40+ hours because it became painful and itchy. It probably caused internal injury in the area since I'm still having some pain now. Subsequent draws had to be punctured but were all done smoothly and with minimal/no pain.

It came to the end of the 60th hour, YES!!!! We had our bath and dinner before our sleep on the 61st hour for 12 solid hours. I thought I wouldn't sleep that much but to my surprise, I was really sleeping like a log. I didn't wake up at all and it felt like the 12 hours flew pass like a breeze. Too me some time before I could manage to lift myself from the bed, my body ached all over. Everyone woke up full of enthusiasm to come the 2 last quizzes and drew the last sample of blood and saliva. I really wonder whether the nurse is really a qualified one or not. She drew the last 4mL of blood but somehow pierced half of the needle slowly, then went in the 2nd half quite fast. I was shocked and I think it was very very close to a nerve because ofter that there is a bruising pain around the area. Quite scary... Eeyer... Fortunately was only that very last time... I wouldn't want her to keep drawing from me numerous times.

That 60 hours made us 8 people become close friends, it was more like a mutual friendship that we understand each other's feelings. Unfortunately, Eugene dropped out on the 50th hour because he had a fever. Was sad for him, WeiMing nearly dropped out too for he had a slight temperature. Good thing his will power was much stronger than his immune system. I also found out that I lack a lot of general knowledge. I didn't know some basic things that we see/hear everyday like a turnover or hickey (which is actually a love bite). And just for laughs, I've gotten to know that the Emu is extinct, the ostrich can fly and lives only in Africa, our mother will definitely give us breast milk when we're young and there's a character called Crusty the Snowman. Hahaha... Oh well, time flies when you are enjoying yourself. That's what happened in the trial, everyone comes and goes with a blink of an eye. Before you know it, you're back in the bus heading for home. It's a wonderful yet excruciating experience. I probably wouldn't want to experience such an ordeal again but I look forward to other forms of experiment that would feed on my hungry mind.

Cannula - A flexible tube, usually containing a trocar at one end, that is inserted into a bodily cavity, duct, or vessel to drain fluid or administer a substance such as a medication.

Adapted from www.Answers.com

Sleep Deprived
The Mixed Boy

The sign of fatigue and lost of faith in oneself...

2007-05-20T18:48:00.000+08:00

It's yet another day with nothing much to do. I DO have some planning to do but it seems that it's getting out of hand and I've lost alot of control over it. Intern companies just don't salvage people like me, I just don't know why... I'm not lazy, I'm not stupid, I'm interested in my field, but why don't people notice me? Everyday I continue the same circle of thoughts, round and round. I kept thinking why is the world so strange and why people go back in their words (including myself sometimes). Why people complain over the smallest things but waiver away the extreme ones. Why do I always give in to people's request when I myself am an individual and have the right to stand up for myself. Why do people just merely say I'm just being kind and supportive but don't seem to treasure this friend of theirs. Why is everyone indulge in their own space that they have forgotten the ones that used to be in the circle itself?

I just keep on thinking them day by day, quiet as I can be. Looking dazed at the surroundings and the sky; running around getting my stuff for the coming dinner and dance somewhat in end of August or beginning of September. Along this period, I've seen many many sad things about our society that strangely, I feel upset only now. Some people can just be in the world of their own, hugging and holding hands at poles in the train, disallowing others to hang on to it. Some just lean on it as if they own the pole for themselves. Why do they have to choose at a time when there's so many people in the train. I know there's ALWAYS so many people in the train, the reason more that they SHOULDN'T be inconsiderate.

I can't see why must I keep asking people whether they want to accompany me to get stuff or go out for a cup of coffee when they themselves have things to do in the first place. I feel so dumb about them telling me to ask them out when most of the time, they reject me whenever I ask them. Then in the end, they say that I always ask at the wrong time or I'm being insociable. -_- Sick and tired of people saying I've little confidence when every little bit of it just gets nicked off by these people. ARHH!! I don't want to think about it anymore. I've cared lesser for my family problems, it should be lesser for things like these in school. Fatigue is the word, I'm tired. I'm TIRED of hearing excuses that are intangible, sick and tired of seeing myself being the receiving end of rejection. If there's still a sensible person out there that understands my feelings, I hope they'll cheer me up soon. I'll just take the days as they pass by, no more already, please....

Tired
The Mixed Boy

Being alone sometimes...

2007-05-19T01:37:00.000+08:00

It's been about 3 weeks after my last paper and being alone for so long (not that I've never BEEN alone for this long before), sometimes makes me appreciate why I'm alone. I'm not saying that I'm happy being alone but it gives me a better view of many things in life. It's not easy to be alone, neither is it easy being in a relationship. I'm not talking about the everyday relationship we all think of but to bring it up to the next level kind of relationship. What I'm referring about is marriage. Marriage isn't a simple "I do" thing, but a whole new life altogether. Even without having children, options crash in to a few tiny ones. Some say that marriage crushes all dreams, some say it opens new ones. But most important of all is what constitutes to a marriage. What actually is the importance in the process of being in a marriage/after marriage that makes it good? Must we get burnt before we know what truely love? Must we lose something before we understand?

Besides marriage, how about family. Is blood really thicker than water? Must we help those that we don't even know that well, even if it means by giving up one of our kidneys? What is a family in the first place? A group that guides us in our learning path or a patriot agenda? How do we know whether a particular culture is correct while another isn't? How come we tend to see in the eyes of the "more correct" person than the "least correct" one? These questions of mine, are just trivial yet hard questions to answer. Nobody is right or wrong when answering them. As much as my brain is producing hormones to react to the feeling of unsureness, it will probably not give me the right answer to my queries but only the best . I feel like I'm reacting to Kant's theory of what's right to what's good. Sometimes viewing another culture displaying different lifestyles than I do, makes me squint my eyes in confusion. But after some thought, they are probably right in their culture, but seems so wrong in mine.

One old sage once said, "you'll never know until you put yourself in their shoes..." It always feels so laughable at first, but when you experience such an event, and put yourself in their shoes, it becomes so clear that experiencing something is so much real than just thinking of it. So is being burnt in a relationship really necessary for a good one? Seems so wrong right? But quarrels don't necessarily mean bad, they just mean a progress of building up bonds/communication. If the quarrels ended good, the bridge is built; if not, then it fails to be build and we may have some "casualties". But most of the time, quarrels we have tend to mislead and bring about wrong facts. Some of them also are caused by failure in preparation/planning. To me, I dislike quarreling with someone, not to mention shouting at one. I just get involved in them because, it seems that, I always can't get the other party to understand what I'm trying to say. Most of the time, it's quite obvious for the other party to understand even without me explaining to them. I always treated them as adults to find out the truth by themselves. Sometimes telling out the problem doesn't solve anything, it may require a mutual understanding from the other party to react accordingly. That, many people can't understand. We say that we're cosmopolitan, but we're only reaching to that level, not yet there. How can we be considered as one when we still have groups? How can we understand each other when one doesn't show that they understand?

People say that friends are just temporary, they come and go as we grow. Haha... ironically, that's not what I heard when I was young. Teachers, friends and TV programs keep saying that friends will always be there and friends will understand one another. Hahaha... strangely enough, I don't seem to see it as I grow up. I always thought I would gain understanding from my peers if I were to put in extra effort in whatever I do and try to understand their position. But I failed... I failed to see why there is so much digress and how can one say that I'm over-reacting. If one can have their own beliefs, why can't I? How can they be successful in their beliefs but I fail in mine. Is being one big family so hard to achieve? Am I not putting enough effort? I'm already tired and wanting to let go of all this probabilities but people around me don't seem to understand my feeling. I always seem to deviate...

I spend most of my time reading stuff, comics, magazines, articles, etc.. I don't seem to have a choice in having fun with other people. Everyone's in the "attached" mood. Ever since I stepped into year 2, things changed tremendously. I lose alot of faith in alot of things and I grow weak and lifeless in my beliefs. Yet, I still have to do my best to pull up my CAP to suit my parents as well as my future dream as a NAR, since being a doctor is already a shattered dream. I always thought I would learn to let loose and learn how to bring up myself as what my brother learnt many years ago. But it didn't seem like it now, I still stay in school as often as I used to and I didn't get to go anywhere else other than home. I'm just re-enacting my life as a secondary and JC student. I feel sad for myself, more like sympathizing. I don't get to understand myself better, moreover, I don't get to see myself as a potential "great guy". All I see is a 23 year old man attending to his curfews diligently. Sometimes I don't even know why I obliged to them, sometimes I don't know why I want to understand certain stuff. More over, I don't understand why I want to think so much either.

Hah... I don't really know why I'm saying all these. They are like words meant to be said to friends to listen and share my grief, yet I'm just typing it out to a screen that never talks back. Hahaha... Sometimes it makes me look very silly, but what can I do? It's the only thing I can relate to when I'm alone and with no one to talk to. Well, they are just random thoughts by themselves. I think they should just remain as random thoughts then.

Thinking
The Mixed Boy

The feeling of loneliness.

2007-05-09T15:19:00.000+08:00

I didn't know that I would really feel this feeling but ever since my brother sly to Japan for his grad trip, things really been very quiet and lonely here. It feels really very sianz and I'm trying to create my own schedule to occupy my time. Maple Story isn't always the alternative to my chance of "freedom". Dilemmas give that extra thrill to the loneliness. I really need to do alot of planning...

Thinking
The Mixed Boy

I want to grow out of this old skin of mine...

2007-05-06T01:15:00.000+08:00

I want to be someone else... Because all I hear is be yourself and be confident. I think people fail to understand that I've always been. They always fail to understand my feelings and my efforts. They ALWAYS assume first that I've not done enough. But I want to grow out of myself. I'm sick of this 'skin', I want to have another mindset altogether... I don't want to be this race that I hold for 23 years already, it has a existing repulse on other groups. I don't want to hold these characteristics because 'they' are aware of the hypocritical environment that I'm in. I want another set of characteristics that are willing to be ignorant of the current attitudes of people around me, want to be selfish and slack, so that I at least have a reason to be hated and alone. I hate when people think of things lightly and think things can be solved as easy as ABC. I really hate to hear the same old lines again and again. I hate MSN. I also hate online communications, you can't seem to see what the hell the other party is thinking, guesturing or looking at. They can say that they are reading for all they want, I still am not sure whether they had flip to a sports page or a shopping auctions over my upsetting conversation. It's as if I'm not even anywhere near their line of importance as a friend. Sometimes I want to take a long walk, away from home and go somewhere else. Sometimes I want to sit somewhere and read my books/notes where no one can find me. Sometimes I wonder why people think that I must branch out to people when I've already done that and they in turn aren't branching themselves out. It's such a confusing 'game'. It makes me look like a fool to follow steps just to know I don't see a result at all. I don't isolate myself, I never did. If you come up to me and talk, be a little more patient with my feelings, probably I would have given you a nice conversation. The fact that is when people try to talk to me, I'm already in a upset mood. Moreover, I'm already in the phase of "I'm not sure why you are talking to me, is it for work or for the sake of talking to me" kind of feeling. If I'm important enough, there would have been a little more resistant to not want to leave me alone. Must I always say all this before people understand what one should do when others don't seem themselves? I think it's unfair to me when I've already tried to share my personality and others take it for granted.

Swore not to talk verbally for 3 days
The Mixed Boy

The confinement...

2007-05-04T00:07:00.000+08:00

I never thought in my studying years that I would come across this experience, but the feeling is interesting. I was more focus on trying to do well for my modules that it was a burden for me to move around too much or do simple grooming like shaving. Combing was still alright since the comb is always an arms away from my seat. My bead is beside my seat and my table is just behind me, what else is there needed? Just a cup of coffee though. Lets just say that coffee is sent to me every day like a prisoner in a cell... It would make me look like what I look in the picture below after 1 plus weeks of not shaving and leaving my house:
OMG!!! WTH... I look like a bloody begger. Of course, I would shave on the day of my papers, so that people won't start dropping coins at my feet or something. The point is that I have NEVER accumulated SO much hair on my chins before. Haha... Not to mention my long hair, it's long enough to tie it up already. Broke my record. So that above, is after my first week, after my shave, I had to wait for another 1 WEEK for my last two papers. The routine remained and there you go again, the begger style:

If you can see clearly, I also have hair on my cheeks and my mustache is showing clearly. Eeyer... Really feels like outcast on an island and deprived from a good shaver. Haha... Well, today is my last day of my exams and I have done my shavings, so this is how I look like AFTER my shave:

Yup, clean and no beard drooping from my chins no more... It really feels better now... Now I need to do is get a good short hairstyle...

Feeling good for the death of Exams
The Mixed Boy

Smart-gene regulation...

2007-05-03T22:42:00.000+08:00

The last specimen done and ridden with. Why is it so hard to understand all these damn hard questions? All tricky and criss-cross? I tell you why, it's because we are different from the prof's level. Level of what? Age? Knowledge? No... It is regulation, regulation in expression of genes in fact.

We have a whole different level of regulation as compared to the profs. Why is that so? It comprise of many factors, the more prominent ones are due to epigenetic changes or presence of repressors that inhibit expression of our smart-gene. Studies have shown that there is a dominant repressor called the smart-o-pressor that binds strongly to the smart-gene promoter. There is still tests going on to test out whether there are other transcriptional factors that prevent the transcription of the smart-gene. Dr Jo, a Phd achiever at the age of 23 expresses his experience, "It is hard to come to a conclusion on what actually affects the expression levels. The fact that expression of mRNA is still so ambiguous that it's not easy to pin-point the exact location of the specific transcriptional factor binding on the DNA or whether it is of the structural formation of the mRNA that enhances the translational levels of the smart protein. It can even be a steroid receptor that causes it's enhancement. I have run tests as long as 5 years and my team and I are still on the brinks of getting more results from the tests. We are confident that there IS a difference in regulational levels that causes the difference between profs and students. In fact, there is a hypothesis that the levels of stresscolin may be an influence to the expression levels of the smart gene. However, there is little evidence on that subject..."

The human body is a mysterious thing, even with the layout of the human genome itself. Like what Dr Jo has mentioned, it's hard to conclude the probably cause of this change. To have fun or to study? To increase our stresscolin or fun-o-kinase? Though both pathways have their advantage, they, too, have their flaws. With such ambiguity, thus, there is a emphasis on the need to research on this area of interest, who knows, maybe there can be a possibility of knocking in more smart-genes for higher expression rates.

Adapted from one of Dr Jo's journals
The Mix Boy

The Well-studied state...

2007-05-02T21:37:00.000+08:00

In the early-studied state, the knowledge from books and notes flow into the brain, which the brain needs it a lot. Stresscogen is still broken down as the level of stressolin is still increasing. However, stresscogen is not synthesized by the stress in the blood but from stresso-1-phosphate produced from stresscogen. Lactate produced from the muscles and other tissues due to forceful thinking is not proceeded to Cori cycle by interrupted and sent to liver for stresscogen synthesis.

In the well-studied state, the levels of stressolin is at it's maximum and the brain will conduct stresscogen synthesis only, taking the stress from the blood. Lipid synthesis still occurs as the individual will feel very hungry every time stressolin is expressed. Thus, usually the patient is very fat.

Long exposure to stressolin will cause sensitivity of stress receptors to drop. It will cause the patient to be numb to studies and may be fatal as the patient loses sense of what is in front of him/her.

There is only one way to cure this sickness and it is the injection of fun-o-kinase at a period of once per day. Fun-o-kinase will phosphorylate stresscogen synthase and inactivate it. As stresscogen synthase and stresscogen phosphorylase is a multi-enzyme, phosphorylase can be activated and cleave off stresscogen. The release of stresscogen from the body through the blood enables survival of the individual. Tests have been conducted in Singapore by Dr Jo together with various statistical evidence, there seems to be a decrease in insane or deaths of individual when stresscogen levels are lowered by the activity of fun-o-kinase activity. He also added that, "it is important to take some time off everyday to have some fun to reduce the amount of stress inside you..." Thus it is important to be studying but also tactful on the amount of studying needed a day. If you need a rest, take the rest and rest well... No use stressing over something that cannot be helped...

Analysis studies by Dr Jo
The Mixed Boy

Life is like Calculus - It can converge to a stagnant point or diverge to something large

2007-04-27T14:39:00.000+08:00

I never thought I would have problems with a math module. I was always called the "Math God" back in my secondary and junior college days. And now I'm even struggling to get a decent grade for calculus. CALCULUS!!! One of the easiest math modules in the uni. Can't you believe it? I think Wang Fei may be a good teacher but as a exam script writer, he needs to understand one thing - What's the limit of our capabilities in doing his difficult paper when time, t, approaches to 0 or infinity? It's still ZEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOO.... Can't he just set relatively easier papers for the non-SM2 students? Well Mister... you've have been looking at the minimum curve of the "can't do so well" curve instead of the maximum curve. Now you know how bad your paper is? Oh ya... Too bad, I'm not taking anymore Math modules!!! Eeyer... No more help sheet preparations for me... So tiring. If An = stress and A = person, and 1A = 1 person, the limit when stress level goes infinity makes a person mad (crazy). You know why? If you calculate it on 1A/An = 1/stress, it is similar to comparing with 1/n. By p-series, 1/n is divergent, and so does 1/stress. So as stress levels go up, it diverges, makes us crazy... ARRRHHHHHH!!!!!

Tired
The Mixed Boy

No more Sick Paper Symptoms (SPS)

2007-04-25T13:25:00.000+08:00

Wah the paper DAAAAMMMMMMMNNNNNNNNNNNN EASY LAH!!!! Hmmm guess I haven't gotten the title as a lier yet. Seems like Mr Uma's still the best lier around. Though I didn't read much or research on the topics, I managed to write like 4 pages for the 1st question and 2 for the 2nd. Wassup with that?!!!? However, I really hope I get an 'S' for it. No more Sick Paper Symptoms anymore... No more wrecking brains to think of good presentations when ours suck still. Despite the technical details, I still like the way the lectures we conducted - free and easy. I just disliked the heavy work that is required to fulfill. I appreciated Mr Uma's effort in interesting us with the module, though I believe, it would come out to a stage when people will all react the same for environmental degradation. Very little people actually takes notice of it, everyone's taking things for granted. Hmmmm... Anyway, I'm banning myself from going to Suntec for at least a few months. Been there for like the whole sem but I noticed I wasn't enjoying myself there at all. I was in fact struggling to get things done together with my group mates. I hope Qing Ling and LeiYa will take things easy, I know Qing Ling isn't at all happy about my attitude, I guess it goes the same for me. Emily...... Well, she'll just stay as blur as she is. I think she's already happy as where she is right now, though I prefer that she joined me and Judy with some nice oily food sometimes. Haha.. YOU WON'T GROW FAT LAH!!! You are already that thin... Besides, it's not like your bf will leave you for eating one prata. Hahaha... Anyway... I hope things go better for my next three papers...

A little worried...
The Mixed Boy

Norbert... We need to run some site specific mutagenesis on you... We suspect...

2007-04-25T13:11:00.000+08:00

I should have posted this some time ago, but kinda forgotten it's a non-examinable module. Hahaha... Anyway, I enjoyed the mod and I like doing the procedures, being meticulous with my partner and stayed on the report like 8 straight from 7pm in school. The only pain thing was to be on par with the gradings of the reports as well as the final report that constitute to 30% of the overall marks. I did it with lots of effort and had no regrets submitting it. Hopefully we can get back our reports for keeping. However, I still think we should do some site specific mutagenesis on Norbert. I think we can test whether which part of his chromosomes can protein smart (S) bind to. If we can find the specific site, we can induce an anti-sense RNA to degrade his excretion of the protein. At least we can have sane questions in future. Somehow, we can also try to find out whether we can ligate a "slow-down" gene into his genome, so that he can talk slightly slow. He seems to not understand that writing is much harder to cope than saying out his reasons. Should induce more galactase to prevent formation of galactitol and blind his eyes. And wassup with the protocols? Two thick stacks of protocols to read within weeks? How can anyone remember so much procedures? And to make it worse, he asks small small details from some part of the protocol that NO ONE ever thought of reading. That means he expects us to read everything, memorise AND understand... -_-||| Oh well.. It's already done and I'm happy to learn so much from it. I hope I get an A- at least for it since I did my best to understand every little bit of details...

The Mixed Boy

Days of silencing...

2007-04-15T23:30:00.000+08:00

My family doesn't listen to me anymore. It always ended up them making lame excuses to leave when I'm talking about what I am good/like. I'm not well versed in general knowledge but it does feel good to say things that I am familiar and good at. It makes me feel that I understand my work thoroughly and not just to go to school for the sake of going to school. It makes me terribly sad when my words just get shun away. What's worse is that no one in my family is life science inclined. My sister is knowledgeable in the field but not up my standard just yet, as an undergrad. Most of the time I'm like talking to myself, so similar to what I do everyday in school. I just talk to myself to console myself.

Lonely as usual
The Mixed Boy

I don't have to prove...

2007-03-29T20:12:00.000+08:00

I don't have to prove anything to show that I'm not as weak as I look... I only look weak because I want to be sensitive to issues outside of my own problems...

The Mixed Boy

The truth...

2007-03-29T10:18:00.000+08:00

When you're not needed, they won't even bother about you anymore... Whatever promises they make are broken like nothing was ever made at first. No hi, no sms, not even a call to say everything's fine now... The truth is finally out... And ya, time for acceptance... Isolation is not my choice, is a cause by others...

I will never forget the times I've enjoyed myself... The time when I said, "Let's see if we're fated to meet each other in VIVO City..." and "I help because I wanted to, it's my choice..." Things that make me smile naturally and not by force... It's not often that I get to smile in campus. Some things are just meant to be...

Upset, disappointed and hating himself
The Mixed Boy

What's going to happen after tomorrow?

2007-03-27T20:04:00.000+08:00

What is going to happen after tomorrow? What is really going to happen after tomorrow? Am I heading to a dead end once more? I'm not sure... I just hope tomorrow's test and practical will come out fine because I have this strange vibe that things will come out the way I don't want to see/hear it...

Day 7

Eyes remained closed...
The Mixed Boy

Dilemma...

2007-03-25T20:50:00.000+08:00

I can't seem to put my finger on the problem here... It's more like a dilemma to hang on or to let go... Simply because I can't see what's going to happen in the future... And because of that, both routes seem so promising yet painful... Though I already know what's the eventual outcome, I'm still hovering over it... Things in life are just so unpredictable... Haha... One minute you enjoying that moment, the next, you're breaking from it... Memories are simply the most valuable things humans can ever possess... You will not know what you lose till these memories appear now and then...

Composed yet Upset
The Mixed Boy

10-film reset theory re-anact

2007-03-20T01:25:00.000+08:00

What did I mention about the 10-film reset theory? Haha... It's repeating itself again... Several more times this semester. But what can I do? It's just a replay button somewhere above my head.

After a serious conversation just now, judging from the words of this person's conversation, I concluded something... That I should carry on with my life as it is and stop squatting down at that same spot hoping for something to happen. I control my own life and I should do that always... If something is important to us, no matter how hard it is, we'll still take consideration of that; if it isn't than you're better off walking away... This isn't assumption, because as what I've said above, if it's important, it'll stay important. My film has just ran out and resetting by it's own... I can't help but to try and accept that things won't go as smoothly as I predicted it to be. Expectations? No, it's more like being ensured or secured the fact that I'm left astray from what I believed in. I don't even know where am I now in my life... I must slap myself, hold myself together and continue on my journey once more.

Maybe this world is selfish after all, can't say that I'm not a victim of my own words but at least I'm conscience about it. Life is all about sacrifices, that's why I also take that initiative... in the end, I hurt myself the most...

Weeping
The Mixed Boy

Clouds clearing after some soul searching and words from an angel...

2007-03-18T00:17:00.000+08:00

Things are unclear and still remain unclear... Idealism isn't something bad. It's hard to achieve but that's what makes us hope for... to fight for... Friendship is something we all take for granted for... Though I didn't really have good responses from the people around me, my angel just makes it better for me... Her words just makes me calm down and takes me back to my path... It really means alot to me... I hope my angel will get work done soon and don't get overwhelm with work too often... Guess that's the result of taking a major as well as a minor...

Another strange event was to encounter this 66 year old man, who turned out to be one of my JC PE teacher's teacher. Cool huh? I was just jogging with my brother and I was clocking the timing about 1min 15sec per 400m and we happen to pass by this old man several times. And numerous times, he kept encouraging me, kept saying "Yes good, good, keep on going. Your speed is good, keep on going..." I didn't know why he did that in the first place. I only got to understand what his intentions was when I was doing body stretches and he came talking to me. He asked me whether I was JJC (because I was wearing the PE T-shirt). So I replied that I was but I've graduated from there. Then he mentioned that he was from Hwa Chong Boys High before when he was younger. He mentioned that one of the PE teachers in JJC was his student and the current principal in JJC was once his colleague back in Hwa Chong JC. He was from Hwa Chong Boys High but continued to be a PE teacher probably because he enjoyed running, especially when he started running since 16 years old up till now. That really surprises me alot...

He didn't seem that he was crazy or bluffing and I believe that he was sincerely driven to help students with their IPPT. He told me that whenever he see students running, he would continuously encourage them to keep their pacing. I really admire someone like him who has devoted his life to running and exercising to keep fit. That's one of my goals in life, to be fit even when I'm old... To be healthy and be fit, not to rely on external sources to keep me moving. One thing that really surprises me about this old man was that he told me about the late president of Singapore, and that the latter was his classmate back in school. I mean, it's REALLY and honour to talk to someone related to the late President of Singapore. I never got to remember much him and I really wished I would have learned a little more about Singapore's history.

After a while, the old man said his good bye and he left. I didn't get to catch his name, but he somehow disappeared immediately. I don't know where he came from... He couldn't have been an illusion since my brother saw him too... Oh well.. I'm really happy to talk to someone like him. My brother asked me what happens if he would have talked to me like 1/2 hr or so. I told him that I didn't mind, especially when someone like him at this age, no one would really want to listen to him... I believed that if I were to listen to him, it would have made his day. I wouldn't want myself not being able to talk to anyone in future too... Besides, it was just 1/2hr of my life... What does 1/2hr of my life compared to the priceless memory of making someone happy?

Inquisitive
The Mixed Boy

Lab mini project Day 1

2007-03-14T19:18:00.000+08:00

Partial failure... I made all the necessary check points and I was so confident in my results... I know all the procedures and my members all trusted me... My only flaw was that I listened to some people to prepare reaction mix for me... Now 3 of my tubes didn't digest and the other 3 had slight problems... Felt so shitty since I spent the whole 6 hours doing the stupid procedures just to be flawed by some dumb movement. And I had to many upsetting behaviours made by the people around me, I can't understand why they have to make so many blunders (this excludes my bench). I spent like three days preparing for this day and now it's just ruin.. I have to come back NEXT WEEK just to do the SAME thing again... ARRRRHHHH!!!! When feeling down due to the prac itself is not enough, I have to spend the night not doing anything... Haiz... Life sometimes sucks when you are not cautious enough...

Pissed
The Mixed Boy

Screwded...

2007-03-12T10:14:00.000+08:00

Wah... I really shouldn't have taken this module - Calculus... I failed my test and now I'm in a deep lost on what to do... I believe I'm in the bottom of the curve now... I don't want to get a C for this module... I need to do something fast.. But I hate the proofs.. I really not sure what they want from us... Oh no... How.....?

Desperate
The Mixed Boy

Rebound or Re-bound?

2007-03-08T08:52:00.000+08:00

Rebound - 1. Receivement of an object that bounces of another object, such as a wall, when thrown towards the latter. E.g. You get a rebound when you throw a ball onto the wall. 2. To recover, as from ill health or discouragement. 3. To suffer another relationship that you have just recovered from. 4. Re-bound - To be re-tied to something regardless whether you like it or not. It can cause more or lesser harm to your mental or physical health if not taken to consideration.

Any remedy for rebound?
Retail therapy, mingling with friends and family more often, appreciating what life would be, carrying on with life, do more hobbies, just focus on studies. If all fails, then there'll be a new breed of reboundesis that may need further analyzing to find a new remedy...

The Mixed Boy

What I am... hypothetically...

2007-03-04T14:28:00.000+08:00

Actually I've never thought of what I am before.. usually I just think I'm an astray human walking aimlessly with a futile goal in my life... But somehow recently, I've thought of myself more and more like an inquisitive yet unpopular statue in the midst of the world.

In the beginning, I stand proud facing the grand city and seeing everyone from my grand position. People see me as an inquisitive, unique and creative feature that brings out the characteristics of the city - dynamic, robust and enthusiastic. Not to mention sociable and welcoming. As years go by, people take less notice of me since I'm always been there and because people take for granted that the statue will always be there no matter what, without realising the true meaning of the statue. Younger generations take for granted that a statue is just a statue, nothing more than that. The harsh weather deteriorates my facade and makes me look older than I suppose to be. A smile that used to be displaying perfectly has eroded with the torturous weather. People don't see/hear me anymore... People still look at me to "appreciate" me, but they would turn in disgust when they notice anything wrong with me. People also lean on me for support, never supporting me, and also always leave behind their rubbish for rodents to manifest on. That leaves me to be friends with rodents more than the city itself. Birds rest on me but leave behind many wonderful "gifts" after their rest, i.e. carrying their shit. I feel lonely most of the time especially in the night... I wish the city would build another statue beside or in front of me. But you know what? They say that they don't want to since that they are unprepared for it and they would think it's a waste of space and time to build another statue.They would then focus more energy in what's more practical then what lays in front of them. They don't appreciate me anymore and treat me like a stand in when there's a need to... Very soon....very soon, they will tear me down and make scrap metal out of me... I'm sure of that...

The Mixed Boy

I felt that...

2007-03-01T09:58:00.000+08:00

I woke up this morning feeling that I lost a part of me... So painful that I just can't seem to see anything further than 1 meter away. I can't see why this world has hope in the first place when despair is just right beside it. I must hold myself together... I would still like to be there for White Chocolate girl but her priorities are focused somewhere else.. I guess I shouldn't break a promise and should help her appreciate what she lost from the beginning. Maybe things will get better for her. For me? It doesn't matter anymore... If it's important, people will appreciate it...

The Mixed Boy

The so call "birthday"

2007-02-20T23:17:00.000+08:00

My birthday yesterday was..................................quiet...............

Hypothesis coming up...

The Mixed Boy

This feeling...

2007-02-17T23:19:00.000+08:00

The feeling of giving is always better than taking something from someone. Today's visit to my aunt's place really made me feel really good about my character. To think of others more than yourself makes people around you happy, which in turn, makes me happy. But happy things don't come just as easy. You have to work for it, thus it's tiring to keep on giving in so much enthusiasm. It in turn, also makes me feel much older than I usually feel. It's as if I've all grown up and seeing the younger ones taking over my place as an "energetic individual". Though there's so much more to accept and consider, it is how we as individuals have to live through. One of my relatives, Marianne, lived in UK all her life and is visiting Singapore for the first time. She looks awfully like an Asian but with fluent British accent. The thing about her is that her level of tolerance was remarkably better than I am. Marianne mentioned that UK's studies were very hard, but my mom emphasized that Singapore's studies were much harder than UK's (not necessarily true, it's just her own opinion). I was on the brink of rebutting Marianne, but seeing her "accepting" the idea of Singapore's studies were harder, made me realized that I was a little bit too impulsive and stereotype. Tolerance and acceptance is what we should learn to have. Only then that we can see through many barriers that inhibits every group.

But giving is a double edged sword. Giving too much makes you vulnerable, people just takes advantage of you without noticing the effort you fork out for them. The term "survival of the fittest" blinds everyone from the hard work and time one would fork out for them. Energy can be replenished but time cannot. If the person doesn't appreciate your hard work, it's best not to provide them with your hard work at all... They will be discarding it anyway...

The choice of giving is then very doubtful...

The Mixed Boy

From something to zero...

2007-02-13T15:50:00.000+08:00

Can't stop thinking that shit is upon me again.. I'm trying as hard as I can to accept certain facts in life. Especially when the "only person" I can be really close to, talk to, share things with, is not in sync with what I believe in the near future. For many months now, it's been rather alright and things have gotten really smooth. I knew that it can never happen, but I don't understand why I still continue to do what I do. I could have stopped 4 days ago, but I continue to get something as well.. Now I'm just hurting myself more and more each passing day... I hate this feeling. I want to get away from everything. To run away from everything now... but I can't.... I have to continue the week as if nothing has happen. Tomorrow is the only day I think I want to get it done and over with...

Sadded
The Mixed Boy

False Positive Friends

2007-02-12T21:18:00.000+08:00

Friends see what they see but don't see the _ _ _ _ _
Friends do what they do but don't _ _ _ _ _ _ _ in it
Friends say what they say but don't _ _ _ _ _ it
Friends feel what they feel but neglect _ _ _ _ _ _ _ it
Friends trust what they trust but don't _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ it
Friends declare what they declare but never _ _ _ _ _ _ _

What is a friend then...? Close your eyes and feel your heart, ask yourself, who are your real friends........... Who are your real 'brothers' and 'sisters' who would do what they do...

The Mixed Boy

The continuation of the end...

2007-02-06T11:47:00.000+08:00

It's not really my feel to blog right now or anytime soon but today is just some grueling day that forces me to blog. I don't blog no more mainly because there's no use in letting people know how I feel anymore. Friends are people to choose based on their own criteria. I on the other hand don't fall in much criteria. Sometimes I feel that I belong in the "dumping grounds" of an everyday life. When you are not needed, the more you'll be alone. Its so easy to be closer to someone else than to me. The jokes I crack don't seem funny no more. Hah... And yet people still ask me why am I so happy everyday... I guess living is harder than just dying... The challenge in surviving makes us who we are. But guess fantasy is much more promising now than being practical.

Very soon my mouth will be sealed and you will never hear a word from me again. Every sentence I say, every word I speak, is always interrupted by someone else. It's as if I don't play a significant role in their lives enough to be heard. And "enthusiast listening" is not listening at all... It's just listening to me for the sake of listening to me. Might as well shut myself up... Can't believe my sem's going to be a rush sem and I've not even prepared much... My "love life" is leading me in multiple directions and I'm struggling to keep myself from being controlled by it. I still hate "love" because it continuously blinds me day after day... I have a strong affinity towards Malaysians. I don't know why. I always get to know them easier than Singaporeans themselves. The ironic thing is that I'm a Singaporean too. Does being born in Malaysia have anything to do with having affinity towards Malaysians? I hope not, I hope it's just coincidental.

One more thing I've learnt... Promises are meant to be broken, so are all our hearts. If you can't handle fragile items, don't make them in the first place...

The Mixed Boy

-=Under Contruction=-

2007-01-21T18:28:00.000+08:00

Blog is currently under renovation and will not continue till further noticed

By The Mixed Boy

Can you...

2007-01-18T12:58:00.000+08:00

Can you like someone enough to love her/him?

The Mixed Boy

The battle goes on...

2007-01-17T20:48:00.000+08:00

I feel much better today especially writing most of my stuff in the blog. Not that anything gets any better but at least I have some stuff out of my system. Haha.. My vision has dropped to 3m and I still walk around like a zombie. In fact, I looked like a silly zombie, walking around aimlessly, smiling to myself most of the time.

Lab today seems so mundane but I can't believe that I didn't get the results I needed. Nat and I did everything the protocol stated. But I guess we should have trusted ourselves and did our own set of reactants, instead of doing everything as a whole and increasing the chances of mass error. There were two mistakes done to the procedures, but I guess it's too late to go back now. Instead, it shouldn't be a problem stating the cause of the problem.

I don't know who has read my blog and all, though I preferred it to be kept away. Maybe I should have kept it in my heart still or just open another blog. Serves me right to be so open to blogs...

The battle for the sem starts now...

Zombified
The Mixed Boy

My Discman, my notes and Stephanie...

2007-01-16T19:53:00.000+08:00

I can't help be noticed things changed drastically over the months. People change like changing under garments everyday. One moment, they believe in you, the next, they question you, the very next they find you weird.

Batman is no more Batman anymore, it's Toon Town. I stood there puzzled at why was I invited to a birthday party which I believed to be Batman populated, but it turned out to be Toon Town... I don't know whether to be happy that the juniors remembered their seniors or sad that I, as a Batman member, am so displaced by the sight.

Lecture mates don't seemed like lecture mates anymore. Friends become friends of your other friends. A bridging mechanism that leaves me alone. I don't find anymore moral support from my friends anymore as they usually sit a few seats away from me. I merely sit at the sides so that I can go down to ask the lecturer as and when I need to with ease. I lack the knowledge and wish to gain that advantage as a Life Science student. I guess my friends don't see the concern in my mind that I've come to realize.

Sky don't seem Sky anymore. His "Hi" was completely different and distant from the last I saw him months ago... Chew hates me, I can see that in her eyes. She thinks I'm a weirdo and a petty person who keeps racking the past. I think she misunderstands me totally. Guess a person like her would never see how someone like me goes through his years unlike her just to worry about her grades alone... And her eating habit.

I used to talk to Jans when I'm bored or when I need someone to talk to. As the months go by, I only talked to her when I needed someone to listen to my cries. But recently, I can't managed to get her when I needed the listening ear. I guess I'm being selfish to ask too much from a friend. She's always been there and for a few times she's not there, I complain. I shouldn't do that. She and Mus are great friends in need...

Susan's got her own problems and I don't wish to trouble her with mine. She does listen to my problems some times. But I guess I've got to stop doing that, knowing that she has much bigger problems to deal with as time goes on.

Ginny's busy too, with many preparations and I don't really share my problems with her. Mainly because she just gives me very simple answers. Despite the truth in her words, I can't bring myself to guide myself to do what she suggests.

ShaoKai and Alvin were the two guys in Batman that I hang out with when I needed some chilling... But Alvin's got Janice to take care and SK is rather distant ever since after LSM2104. I don't want to jump to conclusions but somehow, the vibes coming out from everyone seems so pessimistic. I want to correct that feeling altogether.

Jiahui's drifting away, I can't communicate with her anymore. I don't know why... Her words were almost the same as Sky. I didn't lose the patience to talk to her, I just lost my confidence in talking to her altogether...

Esther doesn't seem like her after the night at Timbre. She seems very distant and not replying to my questions rather openly. Yifang doesn't seem pleased when she met me in school for the first time.

Science Club members become very distant ever since Wee Dong's batch graduated... The lost of friends through a year full of fun, becomes a stitching pain on my chest...

I go around school everyday the past two weeks looking dazed and lost. I always looking forward to find someone I know and that they would bring me into their group. But failed as an individual. Sometimes I want to let go of everything and be sad, but I can't. My mouth just smiles even in the times of sadness. I just smile and make a fool of myself as if I'm some weirdo. Sometimes I want to scream out to ask God why did he make me? But the words just keeps stuck in my heart. I want to scream so much but yet I need to smile and show some composure. Sometimes I can't help but tear in silence in a remote place where everyone is not around to see. My resolution restraints me from crying or feeling sad... It's only me, my discman, my notes and Stephanie Sun...

After Biochem lecture today, everyone just disappears. I thought I could chill out with them before my next lecture at 12 but seems like I wasn't catching them at the right time again. I was so lost that I went somewhere to stone for the next 2 hours. It's been unlucky for me to accidentally write on my pants and made a hole in a single day. Not only that, my pen broke and I couldn't catch the lecturers at all. To make it worse, "Laptop gal" was in front of me, answering to every damn question that the lecturer asked. So demoralizing that she knows most of them and yet I know so little. I'm against 200+ strong pupils just for a decent A- at least. I need to go up but the cohort looks so challenging. *Sigh* Mr Uma set some tough criteria to score in his module. It's more like a personal opinion module yet so much to consider. I don't want to disappoint Mr Uma as he's never a lousy lecturer, just unique.

I don't want to be pitied, I don't need the sympathy. I just need some understanding from the floor. I can be a serious work/helper/friend yet a fun filling/slack guy. I do believe I was brought up totally different from my friends and I have many restrictions to who I can really be... Yet the true facts of reality and the present situation I hold right now don't encourage me to display what I am truly... Moreover, I need to understand the floor much more than they need to understand me... To give more and receive less is little yet significant in my beliefs. Guess life is like that, I've got to live with it. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Thus, giving me more reason to fight back... even harder...

Tearing yet Smiling
The Mixed Boy

What I want for my special day...

2007-01-13T23:32:00.000+08:00

They are:

1. Something I need to get; Something we all dream when we see what we have but want something newer; It doesn't cost a thing; That needs two components to become one; That some people think I need as well.

2. Components that stand together as one; supports one another so that they done fall; Like birds flocking to the south; Like a school of fish swimming in the large ocean.

3. Something I need/want but I can't say...

The Mixed Boy

The worst combination for the day...

2007-01-12T07:22:00.000+08:00

Urgh... Sleeping very late and waking up very early in a cool, rainy weather is the worst combination to start your school day...

Zombie-fied
The Mixed Boy

The beginning of a tragic start...

2007-01-11T21:38:00.000+08:00

The past two days aren't as fruitful as I expected. In fact, it is getting worse. I thought my sem would be a better one as I've prepared to take on the challenges ahead. However, the challenges aren't about how tight the schedules are but who I am taking it with. But still, I guess it's still too early to come to a conclusion. If I do so, I would have lost the battle and the war. I must be ready to take it on...

Readings, readings and more readings.. I probably need to read lots this sem and be very solitary to stay focused. Don't think it would matter much to others as I seem to be drifting away from them. Silently and constantly. I remember a saying in "Joy Luck Club" that "if you stay really still and don't make a sound for too long, you will slowly disappear behind the sounds and images of the background." I'm afraid I might be one such person...

I didn't really have the best of luck also because I receive very saddening news. No matter how much I try to do something, it won't turn out for the better... And the question of "trust", "friendship" and "bracing through hardships" are questioned. "One year is not enough to establish anything..." As what Xin Mei said... How painfully true and yet not true it can be...

Everyone has their own set of problems, Susan, didn't really had her way for such a while now. Though I know some of the problems she faced, I wasn't strong enough to provide solutions to it. I guess it wasn't worth producing them since I usually make mistakes. On the other hand, she did bring me to wonderful places in Vivo City to try out scrumptious food. Kim Gary's had simple yet nice HK food prepared by Malaysian chefs. Secret Recipe is like many other cafes and Pet Safari had rather cute animals residing there. I wasn't particularly surprised by what Vivo City could provide for me, rather the structure of the building interest me quite a bit. Fortunately, it brings in vast variety of designer shops to experience the different cultural lifestyles. For me... A cup of nice warm coffee and a Bagel is enough to satisfy my hungry mind...

Just hope that I would get better grades this sem or it's the "isolation" for me... Haha...

Tired, Upset yet Smiling
The Mixed Boy

Day 2 in Year 2 Sem 2 - Dust mites anyone?

2007-01-09T20:23:00.000+08:00

Had a tiring day. Majority of my modules are held in LT26, wooden chairs, cold air conditioning and well lousy audio system. Managed to stay awake throughout all the modules today. Guess I've passed the trial stage, probably can start jogging after lecture next time round. Biochemistry and Genetics were heavy as usual. Calculus, omg, I had a hard time accepting the fact that most of the students there were PRCs. I don't have anything against them, I'm only upset that I have to go against so many experts in the module. Hmmm... Guess it gives me more reason to put in more effort to attain a good grade for this module.

I am relief that at least one of my modules is going to be a fun yet challenging one. GEK2023 may be something out of my field but the lecturer has a good sense of observation. He's hidden true character is still dormant, waiting to pounce on us for any false move we do. It's just like "crouching tiger, hidden dragon". Whatever the fact is, he is quite an interesting lecturer. Who knows, he may be reading my blog again. Got to remember not to say anything bad about the module. Haha... Thanks Mr Uma, I guess you just made my day today.

It's another day full of smiles, another day bites the dust and many more to go...

P.S. I apologise if I have offended anyone.

Tired
The Mixed Boy

First day in school, even though it's my free day...

2007-01-08T15:30:00.000+08:00

School at last, not that I enjoyed the sloggings and all but it's enjoyable to see the many strange things in school again. I could have stayed at home and had another day of Maple but I had to run some errands today. Unfortunately, only JinXin came to the clubroom to look for me. =( I managed to find some of the others in the canteen when I was going home at 2pm. The day was slow as usual but I pulled through with a smiling face. Now it's just another 300+ days left till next year. I've to buck up in my functions, I couldn't remember much about the subject already. Even looking at warm up tutorials gave me so much problems in solving the questions. Darn... I have this vision that this sem's going to be a fruitful one... Yeah... Let's do it!!!

Enthusiast and Lively
The Mixed Boy

My New Year's resolution... Never thought about it...

2007-01-04T21:26:00.000+08:00

Hey there's one thing I forgotten to do and it's to place my new year's resolution in my blog so that it can remain there as I move along with life.

New year's Resolution:
- No matter what, bring my CAP up, that means, study more. That doesn't mean betraying friends just for the sake of my CAP, that's ruthless.
- Be a better person/man, just smile no matter what happens. If explaining your logic to the person you wish to imply your advice on doesn't work, it'll never work because they will never listen to you, so just smile and hope for the best.
- Be truthful to my friends about my feelings and let them figure out by themselves whether it is necessary for them to make a move, be it someone I like or to my friends in general.
- Lose weight, don't think there's anything to explain here.
- Enjoy every bid of joy with my graduating friends, after this, it'll be even more lonely then before...

Don't think there's anymore for now. Basically it's just about being more of myself and let things be if there's no use trying to alter them...

Wishing Upon A Star
The Mixed Boy

P.S. What I want for my birthday is....

A walk down the memory lane...

2007-01-04T20:40:00.000+08:00

I went back to my Junior College this afternoon to take a look at what the changes were. Things have gotten much different from the time my batch left the school. Nice banners and posters we pasted everywhere displaying encouragement or invitations. Sometimes I feel guilty for not doing more as a councilor. Rules were more stringent then yet we enjoyed the tough times we had to go through. By the looks of the school now, it looks more like what Ginny would do to beautify the place. Haha...

I'm still amazed that some of my teachers are still in the college. I really missed them a lot and really enjoyed their teachings back then. One of the teachers I cannot forget is Miss Yamuna. The reason why she's sooooooo interesting is because she has a mindset very close to us, yet stood to her stringent workload to constantly display good grades on her students. She was suppose to go to AJC to teach but she declined the offer, due to her reasons. Didn't asked for her reasons as I guess it was polite not to. Was pretty funny when we discussed about Bernard and his strange, eccentric ways back in JC as well as in University. A very similar personality would be Jansy. In fact, both of them, not only similar in race, but similar in the way they speak and how they converse with their peers and friends. Can't believe Miss Yamuna called me "dear". -_-||| Not that I wasn't called dear by my primary school teacher when I was back in primary three. After all this while she still says that I haven't changed. She was surprised I still remember a deep secret about her. Maybe one day I should relive it for her. Haha...

Mdm Chee changed a lot, she's given birth to yet another child and still looks quite energetic. However, she seems to lose much weight throughout the 4 years. Hope she gets along quite well. Her child gotten a fever attack so she had to rush off today. So sad. Never get to know about her comings...

Mr Chu grown much more hair then he used to have, yet he still has that infamous hair-do. Can't believe he's still at it. Very similar to what I've done to my hair, nothing.

Mdm Chong is still there too, she snickered as I told her I still owed her two chinese essays. I forgotten to ask about her child though. I guess I was caught up with Miss Yamuna's appearance. Haha...

Many teacher's come and go, years fly so fast as you study more and more. Sometimes it feels so good to see your teachers once again, but how long will they be there? Who knows when will they have to leave for another journey down the timeline.

Yuhan and I went to Pioneer Mall to play a game of Zero Hours and to our amazement, the connection isn't that all bad. It was rather fast. The only downturn was to try using the net for chatting or searching purposes. The connection was really bad. Fortunately, I managed to place some bids safely. However, I only managed to get one out of the two modules I bidded for. Oh well, back to the drawing board then...

There are some things I can't figure out, like how JiaHui thinks. Our mind is an exquisite thing and hers is one of them. Someone so gentle and small yet so complicated and distant. Sometimes we agree on some things/terms but yet it feels as if the agreement is too distant. I don't really know how to explain this. Doesn't matter lah... It should bother me too much.. Guess she's not the only person/thing I can't figure out. I can't figure out how much can one person take on his shoulders and stay silent for months or even years. The biggest challenge is to smile to everyone even though it may be the hardest thing to do then. I also cannot understand why is there so much talk about equality but the sense of the word can't seem to settle at anything. Not even siblings, not to mention gender. The only possible thing I could think of is that it's because of this non-equality that makes us all different in some way.

In Deep Thoughts...
The Mixed Boy

TIMBRE!!! Did you hear me scream? See now what you have become? A flatten prata

2007-01-04T00:58:00.000+08:00

1st Jan 2007

Went to IMM and had some Jap food there. The service sucks, the waiters sucks, the floor manager sucks big time. Can't believe they were all not coordinated to understand how to serve the customers correctly. They did it so unprofessionally that it pissed my father off. I was pissed as well unlike my siblings and my mom, they were more afraid things might get worse. Since my dad said his mind, I didn't have to say anything else. I guess the floor manager deserved to be scolded. It should have gave him a wake up call...

2nd Jan 2007

Can't believe I stayed at home the WHOLE DAY, playing Maple Story and leveling up my ice wizard. He's now level 34 going on 35. Since a few days ago, it was still level 29. Mindless killing can be SO interesting... Passed midnight and I gave a call to Mus, needed someone to talk to so we chatted for 2hrs 35min. OMG!!! It's worse than a girl lah, maybe not really worse than them, haha, just that I never thought I would be talking to him for so long. Slept at 3am in the morning...

3rd Jan 2007

Woke up at 1030am. Looked through my biddings and didn't see what I wanted to see. Rather upset that I've made a mistake for not bidding earlier. Arranged with myself to watch Death Note 2 in JP after being persuaded by Yuhan. So met him at 1315hrs and played some arcade games. Its really been REALLY long because we sucked at all the games we played hahaha... 1415hrs, I went in for the movie. I liked the tricks L did to reveal KIRA but the show was ok. I have opinions about KIRA but I think I might talk about it some other day. To summarize it, if KIRA is some sort of belief for a crime-free world, then it's ok to believe in it. However, being manupliated and die by the controls of another human, it's not KIRA at all. It's greed... As what Yagami said, "laws are made by people and they are not perfect, so are humans". If Light thinks he wants a better future, he should have placed his heart and soul to fight for the innocent people. But who is right and who is wrong, it's hard to say. Only in the eyes of the Law that deviants are wrong...

After the show, Yuhan messaged me to go to Timbre for a live band show, with Esther. I thought it would be a concert or something, so I went. In the end, it's a pretty nice pub with nice people around. The food was alright and the band was cool. Unfortunately, it rained, so we had to rush back home slightly drenched. I enjoyed myself there and well I guess it's quite an alright day.

The Mixed Boy

Her Story, Her Song, My inspiration...

2006-12-30T19:48:00.000+08:00

School's going to start soon, I don't know how much longer can I enjoy this restricted freedom. Everyone's got places to go and somebody to meet. I've made the mistake of not planning my own day. The strange things is that I usually have to plan for an outing before people would like to meet me, it's never the other way around. But it's kinda alright, I guess if I've been like this for so many times, it should make me immune to the feeling already.

I didn't managed to find a proper module to place in my timetable. It is either breaching into my free days or something I'm not interested in. In fact, it might be meaningless to have free days when the rest are busy with school. It leaves me alone to do my stuff again. What a bummer. I didn't even managed to find a card game store in town. I thought I could find almost everything there but seems to me it's not so complete after all. I was trying to find the card game "Spank the Monkey", sounds kinda kinky but it's not. It's a fun, hilarious game of 2 - 6 players and it tests your strategic methods. Come to think of it, I thought I would be able to find the stuff probably in www.mymall.sg but I didn't. I used keywords "card games", "card", "games" yet the search tool says that I've used the wrong keywords. Strange?

Recently, my wisdom tooth is inching its way out again, it swells my gums and causes my jaw to stay closed most of the time. It's getting slightly better today as I can open my mouth slightly bigger now. But it is really hell of a pain trying to chew or swallow. Can't wait for the pain to subside so that I can start eating again.

Stephanie Sun is one of the local singers that I appreciate a lot. She produces her songs somewhat nostalgic yet very much matching her preference of her lifestyle. Guess I understand what she meant by "My Story, My Song". But her songs are very inspirational, as if her voice is your alternate source of energy that drives you to work harder. The lyrics to the songs, too, have much meaning and resemblance to our lifestyle, not to mention that she's local. Haha... But it makes it easy for me to place myself in her shoes and think of what would I do if I were her. The lyrics to "My Happiness" tells me that I shouldn't worry too much about things that don't interlink with me. I should find/fight for my own happiness. Her songs are inspirational yet it's all up to me to convert that inspiration to my success. If only I had a chance to meet Stephanie Sun up front, I would get to thank her personally...

P.S. I would like to apologize to anyone who feels offended by my
opinions above. Thank you.

Hoping to be a better person
The Mixed Boy

The question of who is right and who is wrong... No one knows...

2006-12-25T14:50:00.000+08:00

I can't believe that I lost my cool just now. I was helping out with my mom in changing the bed sheet but I lost my cool at a small incident. Then I raised my voice at my mom and we had an arguement. I felt that it was a dumb arguement and I was dumb enough to start it. Did my apologies and hope that it wouldn't happen again. These few days aren't very good for me but I'll guess I'll still be happy since it's not going to kill me. =)

While I was thinking things through after the arguement, I was looking out of my balcony and staring at the trees in front of me. I kept asking myself who is right and who is wrong in this world? Are what your parents telling you right or wrong? Are they just under the influence of the government or by culture? Or is it just that majority of the people around them conduct such activities that they should follow to? Does one or two of their own children doing out of the norm considered wrong? The answer is yes and no. No one knows. Sometimes you just look at them and you think it's just not right that you consider them wrong. We don't know what their motives are, we don't know what we "accept" in our society. That makes us hard to decide, but because of norms, it makes it easier to categorize.

Aside from that, as I was saying, I was staring at the tree and noticing the branches. To me, the tree is like a family - it has its roots and the branches are like the generations. Among the trees I saw, most of them have branches going upwards, some of them to the sides. It occurred to me that the straight branches are those generations following the norm. To reach for more sunlight based on the principles of 'The survival of the fittest'. Then again, the ones branching sideways are the deviants. But haven't you noticed that all of them have the same purpose - they make food for the tree, which means they nourish the "family line"? Do deviants necessarily mean those who do not come out with the same outcome? Why must we leave the sideway branches out of the system?

I'm like the sideway branch. It is always been neglected and chopped off first when it gets in the way of the flats nearby. People usually neglect what these 'branches' do before they shun them away. Who's to know, the former may be doing more then the 'straight branches'. But nobody would be there to see them do it. No one can determine whether the 'sideway branch' is doing work unless you see it 'do work'. The only way is to check for chlorophyll. But why not trust that the 'sideway branch' is doing as much work as the 'straight branches'? Is it because it's the convenience of the norm that makes it easy to judge? It is so hard to believe yet it may be true.

Sometimes I don't understand why I have such a hard time trying to understand and go along with life in my body & mind. People always say I always think about myself but I don't understand why do they always say that when they never see what I always do. There's a saying that "action speaks louder than words" but if you are my friends and family, shouldn't they trust me at all in doing things, especially by myself? I don't recall asking favors from my family at all, I usually do things by myself. I can't see why my siblings can't do things by themselves too? It's not about complaining, rather, it's about self-responsibility. If you have something to do, then prioritize your work. Sometimes I really don't know what will I be doing next time - A loser or a responsible medical researcher?

One more thing I noticed about life is that dying is easy, way too easy. But the toughest challenge... is to live. Not to only live but to live happily no matter what setbacks there can be in this world. I want to be like that... to be smiling always, whether serious or not...

Taking & preparing for the toughest challenge
The Mixed Boy

The chapter on "Lonely Christmas"

2006-12-23T13:20:00.000+08:00

The chapter on "Lonely Christmas" happens to recite in my book of life. Many a times it appears some time around this period of the year and it feels very cold. So cold that the snow and ice is still considered warm. Friends have other friends to be with, even my friends have their new friends to be with. Some say I tend to do things are the wrong time; ask people at the wrong time. Sometimes I can't help but believe that also. But how can something be so recurring, so often? Guess it'll won't change the fact that it'll still be a lonely Christmas this year...

SOW comm had a gathering yesterday. I went in late because of stupid arrangements from my previous JC. Can't believe that I was so dumb to believe that there was a party going on and wanted to take a look. Council mates too had a gathering yesterday but they were too late to ask me out before SOW did. Besides, they were always on their own world and never placed me into the picture. They always thought I was strange and not serious. Whatever...

Hao Mai was very happy to receive all her gifts from me. Though I don't really have the cash to spare much, but I guess the season for giving just makes me think that if it's for friends then well it'll be worth it. Muslim was also very pleased to get what he always wanted that he hugged me. He's always been saying that he wanted a Razor mouse so much yet he didn't have the cash to get it. Guess my savings and plannings was worth it after all. I'm happy to get a cute mini Doraemon vacuum cleaner from YiShan. It was nice of her to get it for me. Guess she realized that I needed more cleaning up to do, especially my acts. Haha...

I actually intended to get something for JiaHui, but I don't really know what to get. Pink stuff would be nice but don't think she's up to soft toys. So I thought of going to the movies with her but she's not free too. Oh well, haha, it kinda illustrates the fact about me asking at the wrong time huh? Haha... Nvm... Probably in January then. Guess I'll spend my time thinking of what modules to take next sem then...

Loney, Cold and Tired
The Mixed Boy

The Long, Sad memories drifting in...

2006-12-20T19:48:00.000+08:00

After two days of reservist, I come to think of the next 9 more cycles I have to do before I ROD. Having reservist is like a blessing nightmare. Oxymoron? Each time I go pass my neighborhood to go to my office, it always reminds me of very bad memories back then. Very very bad... yet I still have 9 years down the road to come by this place. However, going back to office with my friends there makes me enjoy the day keying in data like what I used to do then. Makes me feel knowledgeable in my field and being appreciated by the rest. Though the days can be very mundane and slow, it gives me time to reflect on the happy times I used to play around in the office. Then come to think of it, the saddening thought of bad memories will forever stay in my heart for they are lessons learned and reminders to keep me focused as what I am trying right now.

Christmas is coming and I've not made much plans for it, colleagues are taking leaves for the holidays and I won't be expecting them quite soon. What a shame. I also hope that I can enjoy my stay there doing something I enjoy most...

Alright, I've gotten my list and I need to get some stuff. Really coincidence that I've to get this stuff for this person, but I'll happily do it... Now I just have to find white clothings...

Scrutinizing
The Mixed Boy

The confused, the bad and the ugly...

2006-12-19T21:00:00.000+08:00

I'm back from Malaysia, from a holiday , but doesn't seem like a holiday. I didn't really enjoy the time there but I enjoyed talking to my cousins. If only the trip wasn't that long. Crap... Anyway, things are really very different there, the attitudes and the way of life is totally different from Singapore. Things are much more relaxed there. It's as if time slowed down for me. The only boring thing was that there wasn't much things to do there, especially when you don't have anything in mind to buy. Electrical devices are not any different in prices between countries, that makes it so hard to get a great deal. At least I gotten nice food there.

The saddening thing was that strangely, I had a dream on every night, and on one of the nights I didn't I dreamt of me having another chance at my ex. But we all know that dreams are probably the opposite in reality. I spent the rest of that day trying to forget what I had been doing for the past one and a half years. Things are getting much better now...

While I was still in JB, I saw someone that REALLY resemblance Jiahui from the behind. I was even more shocked when I saw 'her' with this fat guy and I was wondering to myself why was she there, and with that guy? I tailed them until 'she' turned around, to my relief that it's not my friend but another lady. Phew, what a comical relief. Can't believe my trip was such a strange one.

I'm back, yet I have reservist to attend to. Today's my first day and fortunately, I was posted for clerical job. At least now I can go for this Friday's gathering. I really miss SOW comm. Also hope that this Friday's gathering would be a fun one. Oh well, Yuhan and Mus are at my house now, playing PS2. Kept hearing them complain about the weak players. Hahaha... Also fortunate that Mus constantly reminded himself to keep his vulgarity splurge to the minimum.

I really hope I can stay focused soon, I've been hallucinating of calling my partner once in a while but to my disappointment, I don't have one. I must be strong for my results aren't out yet and I'm still very afraid to face the truth of my slacky sem. God please help me get by this period, I hope I get good grades please.

P.S. I noticed my cousins and aunties say that I become more handsome... I think they were just making me feel alright because I'm the only young adult there that doesn't have a partner then... Oh well... I appreciated what they did for me...

Praying, upset and tired
The Mixed Boy

In the eyes of the sky..

2006-12-13T14:57:00.000+08:00

Peaceful yet boring day today.. Like any other days, there's nothing much to do without friends. Where's my friends? All of them have their own set of friends... Likewise I should be hanging out with my own, but most of them are in the other university, it's hard to get them then. I really miss our basketball times when I get to be the driver and my friend, SY, would be the passer, Ah Pet as the assistance cum shooter, ZY as the center. Those excellerating times, gone...

The sky looks so peaceful sometimes... Clouds float by like gigantic sheeps having fun up there. Yet, it is too peaceful, too peaceful that you just want to watch it with someone; talk about life and what is the next big thing in life... Sometimes life can surprise me very well, so well that it takes me some time to adjust. Seems so strange yet fruitful when the power of words can change one's mind for the better. Yet for me, mere words can't change any part of my life.

My laptop's still in the care centre, can't believe that it had to have problems right now. I've a design and DVDs to copy yet the only source of progressing is the availibility of my laptop. Crap... Must have been the tiresome, long days & nights that my laptop accompanied me throughout the whole 1 1/2 years. I really appreciate the help my laptop gave to me, I really thank it very much...

Christmas is coming, I did something different last year, guess this year I'm not really in the mood to do anything. Firstly, because I have reservist during the week (though it'll still be a holiday for me), I don't have a single idea what to get for anyone, I don't have anyone to celebrate with and I I have no idea where to go on that day. I'm rather a passive person now, especially when it comes to bringing people out. I enjoy walking around aimlessly and do what I feel like doing at that point of time. Only before that, my usual routine is to plan what to do first. I.e. I usually plan before I go out, but when I go out, it depends on my feelings unless I've a place to be at that particular time. Seems like this Christmas is going to be a very boring one yet again...

Susan just came back from Thailand, hope she enjoyed herself there. Judging from her nick, I guess she really enjoyed herself. Ariane's last day in SWEAT is also today. Hope she enjoyed herself too. She really had a terrible sem. I guess it goes to Ginny, Judy, Jansy and the rest. I also hope all our CAPs will increase because we really need that increment. All I need now are two easy modules to juggle with...

Family can be really good on one hand and really bad on the other. No matter how much you TALK to them, and I say TALK to them, not hit, not scold, not anything but just talk, they would say 'uh huh' but later will repeat the same stupid dumb thing again. Especially siblings... young ones. I can't tell whether it is plain dumb, egoistic or immature, they all seem so similar to one another. When things are so obvious in your eyes, yet you chose to throw yourself into the hot water, means that you deserve to be cooked. As the saying goes, "When you play with fire, you are going to get burnt" Regrets are the hardest to let go but the easiest to get attached to. If you don't play your cards well, don't learn from mistakes, not only you, but the people around you gets affected too. Maybe I'm not too well versed in this field because I don't show my feelings very well; maybe I'm just one-sided; maybe I'm a hypocrite, who knows who's right...

Christmas is all about giving, but is it just me or that saying only goes to Westerners? Have you seen the Salvation Army posts around? If you haven't, then I do believe your acting skills are really top notched. They are around, around and with bells ding-a-ling-a-ling non-stop. No matter how much they do that, nobody seems to be donating anything. It sometimes upsets me when you see the people holding onto the bells and shaking them all day without a single donation. Do we believe in giving? Do we believe in the Salvation Army? Or do we even need the posts around? Are we wasting human resources? Would it be better to ask for donations (any form of donations from food to money to clothes) from each part of Singapore through their grassroots? Would it be a success, or a total floop? Hopefully the Salvation Army gets enough through their hard work...

Throughout the years in Singapore, I see how this magnificant country changed from low levelled (in terms of heights of buildings) , spacious, peaceful place to a high-rised, clustered, modernized one. No matter how much they have changed, this country is still a nice place to be in. I'm not being patriotic, but a home is where we enjoy the comfort of the space we are given. As one would say, "It is hard to please everyone" and "everyone holds different perspective of how they should think" give rise to many discomforts around us. However, events happen for a reason, whether good or bad, there's always something good to see through any minor fault. Not that I agree to higher prices, but neither can I change the pricings, nor the government bodies find it easy to come out with a win-win solution. Some things are meant to be and have to be... We young adults and teenagers cannot see the really reason behind it only because we don't want to see it or ever consider thinking why it is like that. I'm not doing a sweeping statement, I'm just frank with my opinions, it may be wrong. Who knows... Sometimes we just need some time for ourselves to ponder about things...

I like to travel sometimes but I don't like long boring rides. I hate to sit behind a crampped car, making my ass numb while sleeping up-right on the seat. It really sucks... You can't lean, you can't sleep forward, you can't lie down, you can't move, you can't do anything. Just sit there and be a couch potato, just that it's not a couch. Anyway, I really hope I get some nice time in Selangor, there never seem to have much things to do there, especially when you can't drive there and you don't know the roads well. Not only that, the people there seldom talk your language, as in English, they usually prefer weak Mandarin, Cantonese or Malay. I only know basic Mandarin, most of my Mandarin has been returned to my teacher (I'm sorry teacher!!!). What's more, there isn't anything nice to get. Most of the items are displayed repetitively everywhere. If you can find it here, you'll find it there, there and there. Prices don't differ so they just depend on loyal customers. I don't really have much things to buy anyway. The painful part is to choose either to stay at home and rot, or go out and do nothing. ARRHHH... Can't stand it... What to do, what to do...

I wish my days would be better...

Tired
The Mixed Boy

Thoughts will be thoughts, it will never go until you let go...

2006-12-08T22:05:00.000+08:00

I didn't really have a very nice day today. Something really bad happened to me but then I'm trying to take it with a pinch of salt.. Some things will always be like that no matter how much you try...

To hate is to care,
To hope is to despair.
To rain is to shine,
To be yours is not to be mine.

To scream is to silence,
Gasping, scratching, wrathing, can't you see?
Only to set you free,
Will thee be happy... again...

Done by: The Mixed Boy

The Mixed Boy

The normal day...

2006-12-07T22:49:00.000+08:00

A normal day:
- Is to meet not-so-courteous people, standing in front of the MRT and not let people get off first.
- Is to have lots of expensive food but would not satisfy your hunger at all.
- Is to cramp into the train with millions of people without any space to breath.
- Is to have people blasting their mobile phone's ring tone as if they were in Zouk Out.
- Is to get by the day with minimal effort.
- Is to day-dream of things you can't have at all.
- Is to try to get into your group but with little/no avail.
- Is to be happy when you actually upset.
- Is to ask yourself whether "she" thinks you're an ass.
- Is to remind of yourself why you are a dumb ass.
- Is to ask yourself "why?" about 100 times a day.
- Is to come back to the same house filled with very troublesome people.
- Is to stand at your balcony and stare at the sky and ask yourself why can't you be there now...

The Mixed Boy

Sometimes I regret...

2006-12-06T22:47:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I regret doing things that embarress myself. For a while, I've been thinking that yesterday wasn't a good thing to ask Ariane out for lunch. Somehow, coincidentally, she always goes off whenever I come online. Haha.. It doesn't make me feel so good anymore...

I didn't have a very good day today... I felt that my family starts to act as if they were mountain tortises. Having dinner in Sushi Tei in Paragon is one place you wouldn't want to be seen looking like some person who is oblivious about manners/services. It IS the job of the waiter/waitress/floor manager to provide good service. BUT it is also basic courtesy that the customer stays patient and let these people (the waiters/waitresses/floor manager) to do their job. If you do not let them even try, why bother to ask them for help? Not everything in this world is about getting what you want, sometimes it's about giving more than recieving more...

I can't believe that my father mentioned about bringing my gf when I DON'T even have one. It's like telling me indirectly that, "Hey, you're big enough, why don't you even have a gf? Too stupid issit?" Urgh... I can't believe I even heard that...

My itch is still here... But it has subsided. Feels slightly better now... I HATE eating TOO much!!! I hate when my parents want to try and stuff us with food. I hate that alot.. When you clearly state that you don't want means you don't want. You don't have to show me that we have abandance of food to know that we are lucky enough to have plenty of food. I already KNOW that... Too much food makes me sleepy then I will get fatter... There are many things in life you don't have to tell/show me to let me know about what is going on...

Now I'm back home, feeling sleepy as usual. I don't want to sleep but I'm already feeling very sleepy. Shit... Don't know whether should I go for a swim tomorrow before the meet up. Maybe I should... who knows...

Tired
The Mixed Boy

Feeling lousy...

2006-12-06T02:05:00.000+08:00

I didn't really have a very good day yesterday... My itch is still here, the doctor says it's an allegy, but to what I don't know... Calamine lotion isn't doing much to sooth the itch, it just comes back again and again... haiz... I noticed I"m just a boring guy who doesn't really know how to please a girl, just don't know where to bring her when there's a need to. I also noticed that I'm not a party guy, so that makes me a mundane guy that sits at home all day long. I scolded my sister for being very naive to the things around her. In fact, the itch aggrevated my temper and I just blew. Now I don't feel so good. I don't really bother to scold people when there's no need to. My maple character died, so that's 10% deduction of experience points. It feels so sucky because I need to play damn long just to increase 10% again. Haiz... Susan isn't around in msn, don't know where she went to. Wanted to talk to her for awhile but she wasn't there. Ariane is probably asleep so I should bother her. But she bought a nice top for herself. Glad she likes it. I'm still unsure of my laptop's condition, I don't know when it would suddenly off by itself again. Haiz... I'm lazy to go to school to ask whether I can change the adaptor or not. Further more, I'm just assuming that the adaptor is at fault. I wouldn't want to format my drive because there's too many things to back up and my external hard drive is still occupied. I need to burn copies of SOW for my comm members, but I'm kinda lazy and there's a need to burn about 60 pieces which would probably cost me 15hrs. Haiz... 15hrs of not doing anything... And I don't know whether the dvds would work or not... oh crap... Haiz... So many things yet so little time and this itch has to make it worse... That what's make me feel... SO LOUSY...

Upset and itchy
The Mixed Boy

Talk Talk Wee (TTW) You're Dead already... But you brought me with you.. DAMN!!!

2006-12-04T23:27:00.000+08:00

Why am I saying this? The exams are already over, but then TTW killed me... For the last time of my life (hopefully) I will demonstrate what I learn from LSM2104. I'm just glad that the exams are over and I can play with ease... Now the next thing is to plan my schedules... Hmmm...

I was wondering whether how special our genetic pool is, whether there is anything special with the genes. Come to think of it, why not I try to test my gene-line. Would I survive this paper? Would it kill me? Lets see...

I want to see whether the protein "IWILLDIEONBIOINFORMATICS" exist in me and whether there is a protein structure on it. After that, infer to the rest of the human species whether they will die with me in the paper. SO... I took the protein and use BLAST it with pdbaa, using settings BLOSUM62, blastp and unchecked the low complexity to prevent masking of low complexity portions.

The results are shown below:

The best hit has the ID gi|55670668|pdb|1WD4|A Chain A, Crystal Structure of Arabinofuranosidase Complexed with Arabinose Chain A, Crystal Structure of Arabinofuranosidase. Though the E-value and score isn't that all good, it's good identities and positives would state that there is probably a conservation of function in that region. So after that, I went to PDB to search for the structure of the protein, 1WD4. The results are stated below:

I click on the ligand interaction view link to spot for ligands that probably interact with the protein. Then I downloaded the PDB file to indicate the regions of the binding site of the ligand. The results are stated below:

Interesting huh? Hmmm... The region must be responsible for our death when in contact with the paper. To double confirm my hypothesis, I must go to KEGG pathway to search for all pathways that might involve humans. Thus, KEGG pathway here I come...

At KEGG pathway, I search for Arabinofuranosidase and I click on the proper result. I found out that the protein came from map00520 and it is from enzyme 3.2.1.55. The picture is stated below:

HEY!!! It doesn't contain human pathway!!! Yeah!!! That means that we won't die in the paper afterall!!! Hmmm... lets go a little further. The protein seems to be from a bacteria. The taxonomy linage, prosite pattern region and sequence can be seen below in the pictures:

Maybe we won't be dying in the hall afterall... Maybe I shouldn't be worrying too much since it's not in our genes... HAHAHA...

But you know what? I couldn't do any of the questions in the paper.... -_-||| Damn... It managed to kill me... Maybe it's that bacteria!!!

Note: The method to do protein/homology analysis is not the correct protocol. What is stated is purely for entertainment. I wish to apologise to anyone who argues profusiously about my nonsense. =) Enjoy. Thank you for your audience.

References:
==> BLAST- http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/BLAST/Blast.cgi
==> Protein Database (PDB) - www.rcsb.org/pdb
==> KEGG pathway - www.genome.jp/KEGG
==> Ligand Explorer
==> Rasmol standalone

==> National Center for Biotechnology Information Taxonomy linage - http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/Taxonomy

DONE WITH EXAMS AND ENJOYING HIS FREEDOM
The Mixed Boy

Buang at Standard Chartard Run... Damn...

2006-12-03T21:27:00.000+08:00

I think I'm getting really lazy and fat through out this sem. I didn't even get to continously run throughout the race. Can't believe that I was one of the last in my team of guys. Guess SK's night runs have paid off because he managed to pace with Sky and Yuhan. That's good for him. I was doing good pacing with Muslim for the first 4.5km. Was behind Sky, Yuhan and SK then it had to happen. My legs gave way... So did my lungs... Don't know whether it's excuses or what but I stopped for awhile... That "while" made me stretch the distance between them. I only managed to catch up with them during the last 3 km when I paced up my speed again. Unfortunately, I was about 5 - 10 min later than them. Oh well... Lazy and fat as I am... can't blame anyone but myself... Need to keep this lesson in mind... Must run longer distances with more discipline... I think I only I still only do "sprints" not long runs... Gonna start running again soon...

Fat and Chubby
The Mixed Boy

To eat "Cai Fan" or not to eat "Cai Fan". That is the question..

2006-11-30T14:54:00.000+08:00

I was going to have lunch with Judy and the rest but there didn't seem to have anything much to eat. So I was pacing up and down on what to eat. So I thought maybe just join the rest. Then when I stood behind Judy, she asked me this very silly question, "Why you eat 'cai fan'?" ("cai fan" = economy food, vegetable rice for direct translation). I was stunned for the next 1 min, it was like asking why is the sky blue or why do I wear black today. So I told her that we need to use a statistical analysis for this and she INSISTED in seeing. So... here it is...

We want to know whether me, thinking whether to eat "cai fan", before I bought food and after is the same AND eventually decide to buy it. So while pacing up and down, I ask myself the question, "Should I eat 'cai fan'?" For more illustration, see the table below:

I was lazy to type the workings so look below for my scribbled workings hope you can see it clearly:

X-sq = 0

At α = 0.05 level, we reject H0 if X-sq > X-sq 1,0.95.
Since X-sq is less than 3.84, we do not reject H0 and conclude that I would be eating "cai fan" after all...

BUT..... Actually I just went to Bambinos to eat baked Pasta... Hahaha... Enjoy people...

Enjoying his time now
The Mixed Boy