Quiet, confused week
It's strange how you don't want to see certain people, yet, they are so clearly in front of you. It's not that I dislike them, it's just that it wasn't comfortable to see them consecutively for 7 days, one after another. This week has been so tiring for me, lab work, friends, worries... I even had dreams of gel electrophoresis, can you believe that?
However, something made me re-think of my path towards being a clinical physician. I don't know whether I'm up to the challenge anymore. The thing is, I want to be one, but not a complacent one; I want to be one that cares and is humble about his work. People-to-people relationships are important, but what's the use of pulling strings without finding the pride and honour of being one.
Besides that, my grades don't show either. I'm still pondering for the past three years of why do I do so much more than others but still score as well or even worse than them. I don't even know whether I'm ready for honors yet. It seems that I'm ready for some bench work, but the report?
Sometimes the thought that I'm single among a group of friend who are attached makes me feel sick inside. Its a feeling that I don't seem to express it very well, but it's a feeling that resides and irritates you. Then the worst thing is when your friend asks you "what's wrong?", and you can't say that it's because you're single as that's a lame excuse to be irritated in the first place (which brings me to the thought that am I being lame?).
I finally found out something that I should have realized long ago - I'm not someone who always gets in between relationships, it is because I'm always surrounded by attached females. So that doesn't constitute me as a third party as people are not easily satisfied with whom they are with in the first place. I'm not saying that I'm innocent in such situations since the females are victims as well. Sometimes it's hard to not get involved in such triangles when "she" just goes so well with you, like someone I know recently... Nonetheless, humans are curious beings and always like to venture to find out something new, even in relationships. That really scares me as well, how am I sure that she'll be with me even if I'm flawed? Same goes the other way around. We all know that nobody's perfect, but how do we curb this gap in relationships to foster a good bond? The words are trust and commitment/loyalty. Do we still have such a valued virtue? Maybe so, but for how long? Mindsets do play a part in the relationships as well. You don't want your partner to be thinking of having children when you're not ready in the first place right? I don't want to disappoint anyone just because I'm not ready for something I can't commit in just yet.
I don't even know why I'm saying all these, it's like they just naturally pour out of my system. I still think that I wasn't brought up well enough to face certain realities. I was raised to be a perfectionist and I think that is not a very good thing. Because perfectionists tend to have high expectations, and high expectations can only lead to one thing, either a great success or a great fall. Concurrently, I'm always getting the fall. I wasn't trained to "take things as they come"; I'm always trained to plan my time. Don't know whether that is good or bad.
Just recently, I'm also pondering about what flaws that I possess. I feel that I'm short, not handsome, not smart, not witty, not daring enough, too shy, slightly pessimistic and thinks too much. Probably these are one of the few reasons why I refuse to get a partner of my own. Another reason is that I'm embarrassed on showing my partner (if I have any) to my parents. I don't consider my parents carrying out daily life activities similar to societal norms, it's embarrassing to see my girlfriend get into a fixed in one of my parent's crazy ideas or mindsets. Not only that, it may even just break us apart just because of silly ideas... But who's parents won't act according to their beliefs? This is something I have yet to overcome in the near future.
Overall, I feel I'm left behind somewhere in my teen years, hoping for someone to truly believe in me once again. I have not lost foresight of my goal, but losing my focus at rapid pace. I don't know what the future will bring to me, but I must not lose hope that someday, I will shine...
The Mixed Boy
However, something made me re-think of my path towards being a clinical physician. I don't know whether I'm up to the challenge anymore. The thing is, I want to be one, but not a complacent one; I want to be one that cares and is humble about his work. People-to-people relationships are important, but what's the use of pulling strings without finding the pride and honour of being one.
Besides that, my grades don't show either. I'm still pondering for the past three years of why do I do so much more than others but still score as well or even worse than them. I don't even know whether I'm ready for honors yet. It seems that I'm ready for some bench work, but the report?
Sometimes the thought that I'm single among a group of friend who are attached makes me feel sick inside. Its a feeling that I don't seem to express it very well, but it's a feeling that resides and irritates you. Then the worst thing is when your friend asks you "what's wrong?", and you can't say that it's because you're single as that's a lame excuse to be irritated in the first place (which brings me to the thought that am I being lame?).
I finally found out something that I should have realized long ago - I'm not someone who always gets in between relationships, it is because I'm always surrounded by attached females. So that doesn't constitute me as a third party as people are not easily satisfied with whom they are with in the first place. I'm not saying that I'm innocent in such situations since the females are victims as well. Sometimes it's hard to not get involved in such triangles when "she" just goes so well with you, like someone I know recently... Nonetheless, humans are curious beings and always like to venture to find out something new, even in relationships. That really scares me as well, how am I sure that she'll be with me even if I'm flawed? Same goes the other way around. We all know that nobody's perfect, but how do we curb this gap in relationships to foster a good bond? The words are trust and commitment/loyalty. Do we still have such a valued virtue? Maybe so, but for how long? Mindsets do play a part in the relationships as well. You don't want your partner to be thinking of having children when you're not ready in the first place right? I don't want to disappoint anyone just because I'm not ready for something I can't commit in just yet.
I don't even know why I'm saying all these, it's like they just naturally pour out of my system. I still think that I wasn't brought up well enough to face certain realities. I was raised to be a perfectionist and I think that is not a very good thing. Because perfectionists tend to have high expectations, and high expectations can only lead to one thing, either a great success or a great fall. Concurrently, I'm always getting the fall. I wasn't trained to "take things as they come"; I'm always trained to plan my time. Don't know whether that is good or bad.
Just recently, I'm also pondering about what flaws that I possess. I feel that I'm short, not handsome, not smart, not witty, not daring enough, too shy, slightly pessimistic and thinks too much. Probably these are one of the few reasons why I refuse to get a partner of my own. Another reason is that I'm embarrassed on showing my partner (if I have any) to my parents. I don't consider my parents carrying out daily life activities similar to societal norms, it's embarrassing to see my girlfriend get into a fixed in one of my parent's crazy ideas or mindsets. Not only that, it may even just break us apart just because of silly ideas... But who's parents won't act according to their beliefs? This is something I have yet to overcome in the near future.
Overall, I feel I'm left behind somewhere in my teen years, hoping for someone to truly believe in me once again. I have not lost foresight of my goal, but losing my focus at rapid pace. I don't know what the future will bring to me, but I must not lose hope that someday, I will shine...
The Mixed Boy
posted by -=The Mixed Boy=- at 6/29/2008 04:51:00 PM
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