I want to grow out of this old skin of mine...

I want to be someone else... Because all I hear is be yourself and be confident. I think people fail to understand that I've always been. They always fail to understand my feelings and my efforts. They ALWAYS assume first that I've not done enough. But I want to grow out of myself. I'm sick of this 'skin', I want to have another mindset altogether... I don't want to be this race that I hold for 23 years already, it has a existing repulse on other groups. I don't want to hold these characteristics because 'they' are aware of the hypocritical environment that I'm in. I want another set of characteristics that are willing to be ignorant of the current attitudes of people around me, want to be selfish and slack, so that I at least have a reason to be hated and alone. I hate when people think of things lightly and think things can be solved as easy as ABC. I really hate to hear the same old lines again and again. I hate MSN. I also hate online communications, you can't seem to see what the hell the other party is thinking, guesturing or looking at. They can say that they are reading for all they want, I still am not sure whether they had flip to a sports page or a shopping auctions over my upsetting conversation. It's as if I'm not even anywhere near their line of importance as a friend. Sometimes I want to take a long walk, away from home and go somewhere else. Sometimes I want to sit somewhere and read my books/notes where no one can find me. Sometimes I wonder why people think that I must branch out to people when I've already done that and they in turn aren't branching themselves out. It's such a confusing 'game'. It makes me look like a fool to follow steps just to know I don't see a result at all. I don't isolate myself, I never did. If you come up to me and talk, be a little more patient with my feelings, probably I would have given you a nice conversation. The fact that is when people try to talk to me, I'm already in a upset mood. Moreover, I'm already in the phase of "I'm not sure why you are talking to me, is it for work or for the sake of talking to me" kind of feeling. If I'm important enough, there would have been a little more resistant to not want to leave me alone. Must I always say all this before people understand what one should do when others don't seem themselves? I think it's unfair to me when I've already tried to share my personality and others take it for granted.

Swore not to talk verbally for 3 days
The Mixed Boy