Being alone sometimes...

It's been about 3 weeks after my last paper and being alone for so long (not that I've never BEEN alone for this long before), sometimes makes me appreciate why I'm alone. I'm not saying that I'm happy being alone but it gives me a better view of many things in life. It's not easy to be alone, neither is it easy being in a relationship. I'm not talking about the everyday relationship we all think of but to bring it up to the next level kind of relationship. What I'm referring about is marriage. Marriage isn't a simple "I do" thing, but a whole new life altogether. Even without having children, options crash in to a few tiny ones. Some say that marriage crushes all dreams, some say it opens new ones. But most important of all is what constitutes to a marriage. What actually is the importance in the process of being in a marriage/after marriage that makes it good? Must we get burnt before we know what truely love? Must we lose something before we understand?

Besides marriage, how about family. Is blood really thicker than water? Must we help those that we don't even know that well, even if it means by giving up one of our kidneys? What is a family in the first place? A group that guides us in our learning path or a patriot agenda? How do we know whether a particular culture is correct while another isn't? How come we tend to see in the eyes of the "more correct" person than the "least correct" one? These questions of mine, are just trivial yet hard questions to answer. Nobody is right or wrong when answering them. As much as my brain is producing hormones to react to the feeling of unsureness, it will probably not give me the right answer to my queries but only the best . I feel like I'm reacting to Kant's theory of what's right to what's good. Sometimes viewing another culture displaying different lifestyles than I do, makes me squint my eyes in confusion. But after some thought, they are probably right in their culture, but seems so wrong in mine.

One old sage once said, "you'll never know until you put yourself in their shoes..." It always feels so laughable at first, but when you experience such an event, and put yourself in their shoes, it becomes so clear that experiencing something is so much real than just thinking of it. So is being burnt in a relationship really necessary for a good one? Seems so wrong right? But quarrels don't necessarily mean bad, they just mean a progress of building up bonds/communication. If the quarrels ended good, the bridge is built; if not, then it fails to be build and we may have some "casualties". But most of the time, quarrels we have tend to mislead and bring about wrong facts. Some of them also are caused by failure in preparation/planning. To me, I dislike quarreling with someone, not to mention shouting at one. I just get involved in them because, it seems that, I always can't get the other party to understand what I'm trying to say. Most of the time, it's quite obvious for the other party to understand even without me explaining to them. I always treated them as adults to find out the truth by themselves. Sometimes telling out the problem doesn't solve anything, it may require a mutual understanding from the other party to react accordingly. That, many people can't understand. We say that we're cosmopolitan, but we're only reaching to that level, not yet there. How can we be considered as one when we still have groups? How can we understand each other when one doesn't show that they understand?

People say that friends are just temporary, they come and go as we grow. Haha... ironically, that's not what I heard when I was young. Teachers, friends and TV programs keep saying that friends will always be there and friends will understand one another. Hahaha... strangely enough, I don't seem to see it as I grow up. I always thought I would gain understanding from my peers if I were to put in extra effort in whatever I do and try to understand their position. But I failed... I failed to see why there is so much digress and how can one say that I'm over-reacting. If one can have their own beliefs, why can't I? How can they be successful in their beliefs but I fail in mine. Is being one big family so hard to achieve? Am I not putting enough effort? I'm already tired and wanting to let go of all this probabilities but people around me don't seem to understand my feeling. I always seem to deviate...

I spend most of my time reading stuff, comics, magazines, articles, etc.. I don't seem to have a choice in having fun with other people. Everyone's in the "attached" mood. Ever since I stepped into year 2, things changed tremendously. I lose alot of faith in alot of things and I grow weak and lifeless in my beliefs. Yet, I still have to do my best to pull up my CAP to suit my parents as well as my future dream as a NAR, since being a doctor is already a shattered dream. I always thought I would learn to let loose and learn how to bring up myself as what my brother learnt many years ago. But it didn't seem like it now, I still stay in school as often as I used to and I didn't get to go anywhere else other than home. I'm just re-enacting my life as a secondary and JC student. I feel sad for myself, more like sympathizing. I don't get to understand myself better, moreover, I don't get to see myself as a potential "great guy". All I see is a 23 year old man attending to his curfews diligently. Sometimes I don't even know why I obliged to them, sometimes I don't know why I want to understand certain stuff. More over, I don't understand why I want to think so much either.

Hah... I don't really know why I'm saying all these. They are like words meant to be said to friends to listen and share my grief, yet I'm just typing it out to a screen that never talks back. Hahaha... Sometimes it makes me look very silly, but what can I do? It's the only thing I can relate to when I'm alone and with no one to talk to. Well, they are just random thoughts by themselves. I think they should just remain as random thoughts then.

Thinking
The Mixed Boy