Thursday, March 29, 2007

I don't have to prove...

I don't have to prove anything to show that I'm not as weak as I look... I only look weak because I want to be sensitive to issues outside of my own problems...

The Mixed Boy

The truth...

When you're not needed, they won't even bother about you anymore... Whatever promises they make are broken like nothing was ever made at first. No hi, no sms, not even a call to say everything's fine now... The truth is finally out... And ya, time for acceptance... Isolation is not my choice, is a cause by others...

I will never forget the times I've enjoyed myself... The time when I said, "Let's see if we're fated to meet each other in VIVO City..." and "I help because I wanted to, it's my choice..." Things that make me smile naturally and not by force... It's not often that I get to smile in campus. Some things are just meant to be...

Upset, disappointed and hating himself
The Mixed Boy

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

What's going to happen after tomorrow?

What is going to happen after tomorrow? What is really going to happen after tomorrow? Am I heading to a dead end once more? I'm not sure... I just hope tomorrow's test and practical will come out fine because I have this strange vibe that things will come out the way I don't want to see/hear it...

Day 7

Eyes remained closed...
The Mixed Boy



Sunday, March 25, 2007

Dilemma...

I can't seem to put my finger on the problem here... It's more like a dilemma to hang on or to let go... Simply because I can't see what's going to happen in the future... And because of that, both routes seem so promising yet painful... Though I already know what's the eventual outcome, I'm still hovering over it... Things in life are just so unpredictable... Haha... One minute you enjoying that moment, the next, you're breaking from it... Memories are simply the most valuable things humans can ever possess... You will not know what you lose till these memories appear now and then...

Composed yet Upset
The Mixed Boy

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

10-film reset theory re-anact

What did I mention about the 10-film reset theory? Haha... It's repeating itself again... Several more times this semester. But what can I do? It's just a replay button somewhere above my head.

After a serious conversation just now, judging from the words of this person's conversation, I concluded something... That I should carry on with my life as it is and stop squatting down at that same spot hoping for something to happen. I control my own life and I should do that always... If something is important to us, no matter how hard it is, we'll still take consideration of that; if it isn't than you're better off walking away... This isn't assumption, because as what I've said above, if it's important, it'll stay important. My film has just ran out and resetting by it's own... I can't help but to try and accept that things won't go as smoothly as I predicted it to be. Expectations? No, it's more like being ensured or secured the fact that I'm left astray from what I believed in. I don't even know where am I now in my life... I must slap myself, hold myself together and continue on my journey once more.

Maybe this world is selfish after all, can't say that I'm not a victim of my own words but at least I'm conscience about it. Life is all about sacrifices, that's why I also take that initiative... in the end, I hurt myself the most...

Weeping
The Mixed Boy

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Clouds clearing after some soul searching and words from an angel...

Things are unclear and still remain unclear... Idealism isn't something bad. It's hard to achieve but that's what makes us hope for... to fight for... Friendship is something we all take for granted for... Though I didn't really have good responses from the people around me, my angel just makes it better for me... Her words just makes me calm down and takes me back to my path... It really means alot to me... I hope my angel will get work done soon and don't get overwhelm with work too often... Guess that's the result of taking a major as well as a minor...

Another strange event was to encounter this 66 year old man, who turned out to be one of my JC PE teacher's teacher. Cool huh? I was just jogging with my brother and I was clocking the timing about 1min 15sec per 400m and we happen to pass by this old man several times. And numerous times, he kept encouraging me, kept saying "Yes good, good, keep on going. Your speed is good, keep on going..." I didn't know why he did that in the first place. I only got to understand what his intentions was when I was doing body stretches and he came talking to me. He asked me whether I was JJC (because I was wearing the PE T-shirt). So I replied that I was but I've graduated from there. Then he mentioned that he was from Hwa Chong Boys High before when he was younger. He mentioned that one of the PE teachers in JJC was his student and the current principal in JJC was once his colleague back in Hwa Chong JC. He was from Hwa Chong Boys High but continued to be a PE teacher probably because he enjoyed running, especially when he started running since 16 years old up till now. That really surprises me alot...

He didn't seem that he was crazy or bluffing and I believe that he was sincerely driven to help students with their IPPT. He told me that whenever he see students running, he would continuously encourage them to keep their pacing. I really admire someone like him who has devoted his life to running and exercising to keep fit. That's one of my goals in life, to be fit even when I'm old... To be healthy and be fit, not to rely on external sources to keep me moving. One thing that really surprises me about this old man was that he told me about the late president of Singapore, and that the latter was his classmate back in school. I mean, it's REALLY and honour to talk to someone related to the late President of Singapore. I never got to remember much him and I really wished I would have learned a little more about Singapore's history.

After a while, the old man said his good bye and he left. I didn't get to catch his name, but he somehow disappeared immediately. I don't know where he came from... He couldn't have been an illusion since my brother saw him too... Oh well.. I'm really happy to talk to someone like him. My brother asked me what happens if he would have talked to me like 1/2 hr or so. I told him that I didn't mind, especially when someone like him at this age, no one would really want to listen to him... I believed that if I were to listen to him, it would have made his day. I wouldn't want myself not being able to talk to anyone in future too... Besides, it was just 1/2hr of my life... What does 1/2hr of my life compared to the priceless memory of making someone happy?

Inquisitive
The Mixed Boy

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Lab mini project Day 1

Partial failure... I made all the necessary check points and I was so confident in my results... I know all the procedures and my members all trusted me... My only flaw was that I listened to some people to prepare reaction mix for me... Now 3 of my tubes didn't digest and the other 3 had slight problems... Felt so shitty since I spent the whole 6 hours doing the stupid procedures just to be flawed by some dumb movement. And I had to many upsetting behaviours made by the people around me, I can't understand why they have to make so many blunders (this excludes my bench). I spent like three days preparing for this day and now it's just ruin.. I have to come back NEXT WEEK just to do the SAME thing again... ARRRRHHHH!!!! When feeling down due to the prac itself is not enough, I have to spend the night not doing anything... Haiz... Life sometimes sucks when you are not cautious enough...

Pissed
The Mixed Boy

Monday, March 12, 2007

Screwded...

Wah... I really shouldn't have taken this module - Calculus... I failed my test and now I'm in a deep lost on what to do... I believe I'm in the bottom of the curve now... I don't want to get a C for this module... I need to do something fast.. But I hate the proofs.. I really not sure what they want from us... Oh no... How.....?

Desperate
The Mixed Boy

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Rebound or Re-bound?

Rebound - 1. Receivement of an object that bounces of another object, such as a wall, when thrown towards the latter. E.g. You get a rebound when you throw a ball onto the wall. 2. To recover, as from ill health or discouragement. 3. To suffer another relationship that you have just recovered from. 4. Re-bound - To be re-tied to something regardless whether you like it or not. It can cause more or lesser harm to your mental or physical health if not taken to consideration.

Any remedy for rebound?
Retail therapy, mingling with friends and family more often, appreciating what life would be, carrying on with life, do more hobbies, just focus on studies. If all fails, then there'll be a new breed of reboundesis that may need further analyzing to find a new remedy...

The Mixed Boy

Sunday, March 04, 2007

What I am... hypothetically...

Actually I've never thought of what I am before.. usually I just think I'm an astray human walking aimlessly with a futile goal in my life... But somehow recently, I've thought of myself more and more like an inquisitive yet unpopular statue in the midst of the world.

In the beginning, I stand proud facing the grand city and seeing everyone from my grand position. People see me as an inquisitive, unique and creative feature that brings out the characteristics of the city - dynamic, robust and enthusiastic. Not to mention sociable and welcoming. As years go by, people take less notice of me since I'm always been there and because people take for granted that the statue will always be there no matter what, without realising the true meaning of the statue. Younger generations take for granted that a statue is just a statue, nothing more than that. The harsh weather deteriorates my facade and makes me look older than I suppose to be. A smile that used to be displaying perfectly has eroded with the torturous weather. People don't see/hear me anymore... People still look at me to "appreciate" me, but they would turn in disgust when they notice anything wrong with me. People also lean on me for support, never supporting me, and also always leave behind their rubbish for rodents to manifest on. That leaves me to be friends with rodents more than the city itself. Birds rest on me but leave behind many wonderful "gifts" after their rest, i.e. carrying their shit. I feel lonely most of the time especially in the night... I wish the city would build another statue beside or in front of me. But you know what? They say that they don't want to since that they are unprepared for it and they would think it's a waste of space and time to build another statue.They would then focus more energy in what's more practical then what lays in front of them. They don't appreciate me anymore and treat me like a stand in when there's a need to... Very soon....very soon, they will tear me down and make scrap metal out of me... I'm sure of that...

The Mixed Boy

Thursday, March 01, 2007

I felt that...

I woke up this morning feeling that I lost a part of me... So painful that I just can't seem to see anything further than 1 meter away. I can't see why this world has hope in the first place when despair is just right beside it. I must hold myself together... I would still like to be there for White Chocolate girl but her priorities are focused somewhere else.. I guess I shouldn't break a promise and should help her appreciate what she lost from the beginning. Maybe things will get better for her. For me? It doesn't matter anymore... If it's important, people will appreciate it...

The Mixed Boy