Karma on Christmas day

Somehow I noticed that karma caught up to me. Those were the days when we teased Anand, now it comes back to me. As one would say, "what goes around comes around", I also have no idea why did Ann wanted me to wear the Santa clothes. I felt dumb but didn't want to crash her feelings towards the gathering. Then there was the time when they made me stand on the bench to count from 30, which they actually tricked me into doing that stupid pose. Then there was the mass spraying of foam onto me, I felt the biggest loser at that time already. Somehow I really shouldn't have gone for the gathering in the first place. I should have followed my instincts. I don't really think they ever thought of me as a good sport, rather, they were out to have their own fun, neglecting the other people's fun.

I also don't understand why people got off well in their life, with good jobs and good pay, lovely girlfriend who keeps them company, and probably have little worries about their results; while I have no intention to work yet, don't really have a potentially good pay coming, no girlfriend (because no one wants to consider me), and I worry like hell about my grades. Shuresh did mention that I should no matter what should enjoy my life. But that's the difference between him and me. Most of them are in Engine, while I'm in some field that have no one to talk to. I'm literally a loner there. I hear them talk about connections within themselves, music industries, cooperate companies, etc. But it just doesn't have my name in it. Nothing they say has any inclination to what I can potentially get strings at...

Now I'm lost, confused and depressed. I completely don't know where my drive and passion went to. I'm just upset and want to talk to someone (who willingly listens) or have a sign from God. At least tell me that things will get better; at least give me hope that there's something to fight for even when I'm getting freaking shit from everyone around me. Because no matter what, no one appreciates the things I do in life.

The Mixed Boy

The City Harvest Church experience...

Before I start my entry, I want to say that I don't have any affiliation with the religion. In fact, I'm not really inclined to any, just don't let my dad see this haha... I've already gone to a point where I'm already a stray and don't mind being a stray. I believe there IS a GOD, but not inclined to any particular one. Besides all that, I ONLY went to the church to see my close friend perform in a live stage drama. He's always into drama just that this is the first time seeing him doing it...

The astonishing thing that I noticed in the service was that even though I find it very strange to believe in a religion, yet the people around me sang their church songs so wholeheartedly. To me, it seemed more like national day songs when people sang together in peace, harmony and unity... I like that feelings, that people trust one another and we work together to make this go round. Yet, I feel very awkward at the place where I'm standing/sitting. I just don't really know what to do, so I just remained quiet. Why do they need to sing songs to the Holy God? Think about it for a second, aren't rituals or prayers suppose to be formal and solemn? I mean it is BELIEVED to be but different religion practices different ways of prayers. I find Christianity a little... "fun". But of course, I'm still not into it.

Anyway, they were singing songs about Christmas too and it was soothing. Till you start seeing all those couples out there, makes you want to "cry" -.- Sick... Back to the part when I said about the songs, if you managed to watch the video below, if not, you can refer to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jIbbebaXBM , they were singing 'Silent Night'. The really nice thing was when the place was dark and slowly everyone passed their own flame to the one beside them to light it up. As more and more light up, the place becomes really brightly lit and it was really cool. It feels good inside. Feels like being in JC again... I really missed those councilor days... It also has the alternative notion that no matter how dark it is, as long as one holds a light (be positive), the rest adopting it can pass the light around to light up the situation. I really missed alot of things I used to do... I missed having someone to talk to without her thinking that I'm always talking about myself... I missed hugging and holding someone warm when I feel lonely and cold inside...

The Mixed Boy

Capability VS bullying

I'm on the 5th day of reservist and as unfortunate as I was back in school, I've got lots of things to do. I went to HQ with the most claim forms again; with the most problems among the claim forms; abundant attendance taking throughout the week and probably many more to come. I never knew I was the only personnel who is discipline enough to stay back and finish up my work as well as others because I always had the thought that if I want my document processing to be good, I should do the same for other reservists. Then there comes to the point about capability vs bullying. They know very well that I'm capable and knowledgeable in the office processes, and because the other full time national service personnel aren't as experienced and disciplined, they dump most of the things to me. They say they 'trust' me more than their own members. I feel honoured, but this isn't the way to get around the office. They are tiring me out faster without realising it. In fact, their personnel SHOULD learn how to do these simple stuff so that they would get along better. I'm only there for 2 weeks, they on the other hand, much longer. If they count on me to do stuff, they would soon be back in their ditch once again.

I also noticed that I've been staying way beyond the office hours, especially up till 9pm, while the rest leaves about 6 or even earlier. I think I should relax a little, I'm just a reservist, I should not take the major bite of the cake. Everyday I come home feeling a little tired and upset because there's nothing much to do. And when I come home, it's always my mom that doesn't give me the space I want. I'm starting to feel that being capable is opening your chances of being mis-used. Even things at home require me to handle, I'm always the one to go back early to rectify the problem. The best part is that I'm not even PAID to do all these... I'm working like a consultant but not even paid as one. So am I being capable or just being bullied?

The best cure for upsets is to talk to someone close. But guess what? I don't HAVE anybody close to talk to. All they say is that I talk about myself too much... Ya, that's the whole idea, duhhhh... It's not like if I don't talk about myself, you wouldn't talk about YOURSELF and YOUR dumb things, dumbass... I wish I have someone that I can call to talk to, preferably female... I'm feeling the dumps more and more each day... Hope it gets better with the new year.... It's the year of the RAT. My year.... -.-

The Mixed Boy

The horrifying thing about exams and reservists...

I never knew when I come back for reservist, I would be placed into lots of shit. I used to be the staff assistant for my director, even though it seemed that I looked more like a personal assistant. I was the 'Jack of traits' in the office; I knew every single bit of how things should be done and what to do when problems come about. Just recently, a new system has been in placed, AND because I'm around, I was EXPECTED to learn the new system IN ORDER to do the make up claims for my fellow reservist men. Only because my colleague who is in charge of the pay claims just got married and is away on marriage leave. I on the other hand had the luxury of running around the past 3 days and trying to learn the techniques of the new system. I even had to go all the way to Ubi Ave 4 to as a few questions which turned out to be some simple maneuvering of the keys. Reading the guidelines is like reading notes of another module in my university. It's kinda traumatizing. But if I don't do it, who will? I wouldn't want a case where my own claims get delayed for no reason. I rather do it myself... Oh well, tomorrow's another day worth of claims to sort out. Not only that, my in-charge expected me to learn EVERYTHING is there to know about the office's role, JUST because I used to be the staff assistant of the previous director. -.-||| Sux....

Oh well, I kinda dug out some photos that I suppose to put up some time ago. It's about my 'confinement' in my house during exams again. A week worth of 'confinement' could cause me to become a caveman. OMG... The 3rd photo is when I started on my first paper...

The Mixed Boy

Cardio =======> Cua dio!!!

Cua dio = Got shocked

Can't believe what just happened this morning... Was a disaster... I was attacked by some unknown questions and I had no means of retaliating... Followed by that I had several symptoms that I eventually managed to handle... Here's what you can expect if you happen to have these symptoms...

When you start seeing the questions and you got a big shock, the very VERY least you can get is an anaphylatic shock. Anaphylatic shocks are potentially dangerous so you'll probably not get it unless you have a weak heart to begin with. Your body will respond by lowering your blood pressure very much, having said that, you're venous return will be low as well. Because there's a low venous return, you'll have a high V/Q matching and your pulmonary capillaries will further dilate, increasing the amount of blood flowing through. Not to mention that your end diastolic volume will be low and with that can cause low cardiac output (CO). Because mean arterial pressure (MAP) is measured by CO x total peripheral resistance (TPR), and BECAUSE with vasodilation, TPR is lower with increasing radius and thus MAP is low.

Because of the nature of the scare, the low pressure can kick in for some time. The body cannot handle the long low pressure and will turn to other means. Baroreceptors initiate increasing noradredaline and adredaline into the systems to try vasoconstricting the vessels to increase MAP. It also reduces the parasympathetic response onto the heart so that the heart can increase in heart rate. Angiotensin II, endothelin and vessopressin CAN also be activate to vasoconstrict and retain water/salt balances in the body, increasing the blood volume. Be very cautious that if you have a light headed feeling, just put your head onto the desk and try to relax. Because of the initial low blood pressure, blood tends to flow to the feet very fast, leaving little blood flow to the brain. They brain must have a constant flow of blood otherwise it can 'die'. Usually the patient will just proceed to syncope, but of course, we wouldn't want that in the exam hall, would we? We also don't want you to take this module again, do we? o.O

Besides CO, you will experience some light headed sensation because of hyperventilation. Hyperventilation increases the oxygen content and decreases the carbon dioxide content in your blood. This can cause respiratory alkalosis when your bicarbonates are reduced and your pH values shifts to a higher one. The shift can disrupt calcium balances and cause cramps. The best way is for you to relax and breathe slowly. Think happy thoughts, think about what's going to happen after the paper or something like that. Your carotid chemoreceptors will detect the change in pH and assist you in the alkalosis. What could really hit you very hard now is when you see the lecturer next to you and looking eye to eye with you before giving a sinister smile at you. Atrial or worse ventricle fibrillation can occur. By then, you should count on your neighbour to start calling the nearest hospital before you collapse.

We advice everyone taking the things easy and practice good ventilation. Don't look up at your lecturer if you already have these symptoms. If you your lecturer asked whether you are ok, just nod and pretend that you are trying to do the questions. That will shoo them away, in fact, that lessens the chance of you getting fibrillation, congrats, you made it. In very special cases, some patients do experience phaeochromocytoma, a tumour that resides at your adrenal medulla to excrete explosive amounts of adredaline and that could spell out berserk reaction. He/she might start going on a rampage and cause much more danger. We hope that if anyone who cannot take the paper, please don't try to resist, just tear the paper... That'll do you much better and save more lives that way... =)

P.S. This is all entertainment ya? I apologize to anyone who mistook the above information as real.


Words from Dr Jo
The Mixed Boy

Things did not go the way I hoped for...

I thought I would be able to concentrate more this sem, but I noticed I can't. Then there's this issue of how to like someone and not like her at the same time... My grandfather just passed away in the middle of my exams and I find it hard to pay my respects especially all the way to Johor. I offered to go but never seem to find the convenience of my dumb parents to fetch me there when I they themselves allocated a time for me. I've changed my reservist dates about 4 times already. Finding it embarrassing enough, my dumb mother had to force me to change one more time just to fit to her dumb plans... I don't even have a good holiday already how can things get any worse?

Every time my parents tell me to do something, the more I'm not bonded to them. I know it's morally bad but I think it's an accumulated feeling that they fail to understand from the past. I have to blame myself for being selfish but they should blame themselves for not being understanding. Material life is usually seem more important to them, never my social life...

Disheartened
The Mixed Boy