Today ISN'T my day...

I can't tell what's wrong with today, yet again. It's like every month there's bound to be a day that wrecks my happiness... What's wrong with this picture?
I kept on rendering my videos but they don't seem to come out right. They just come out as grey screen. Arhhh.. It's terrible. I have to render them with another engine and then RE-convert them back to wmv format. However, I MUST think of another solution as this videos will be in the SOW dvd production. I can't make mistakes like this as it will reflect badly on our professionalism.
I have a very bad characteristic, which is I am scared to open myself. I can't tell myself that things will go fine without knowing that there will be risks involved. I've taken risks before but I just don't know why this time, it's hard for me to reach out to someone. I wish I would have help from the other side...
I noitced people these days don't seem to look or act like what they used to when it was in the olden times. It seems like we take things for granted that simple things like smiling or saying excuse me becomes obsolete. A mere glare indicated "excuse me" or simply "hey get out of my way". In this case, I think it's the latter. Why people react like this? Why do we all become so cautious of our space so seriously? Sadly, I'm a victim too, but not to the extent of not even saying excuse me or sorry. I sometimes don't really like people stepping into my personal space, especially when there are other ways of crossing to the other side. If we take a step further, if we see more of these behaviours, it directly reflects on other actions towards them. Things can get nasty if rectification is not done...
We always have been together, for a purpose, and for friendship. SOW keeps us glued together so strongly this past one year that we know each other almost in and out. But what will happen after SOW? Will we take the same routes together? Will we be able to do things together as what we have been doing these past few weeks - eating together, playing together, watching movies in the night... Or will we just have our modules differently at different timings and not be able to see each other as often because of our workload... Then things might drift away further and further... The choice of friends and close friends get harder and harder. Your focus gets too broad that you can't think properly. Career, friends, family and studies, playing these cards aren't as simple as they used to be. The action of one influences the others. Can we still be flying after a few sems later...???
What modules should I take? The three promising modules I might take would either be theatre studies, biophysical environment of Singapore or sociology of behaviour. I guess it would be another sem by myself again. I don't seem to attract friends to take modules with me. Haha.. Don't know why. Its like they don't seem to be interested in what I do. That may also explain why people don't like to do things with me. Hmmm... Oh bother... what am I to do? *Sigh*

Upset
The Mixed Boy

Headaches and confusion...

It's been like don't know how many days in school. Either stayed over or coming to school everyday. Then sleeping like 2 - 3am and waking up about 9am. It has been rather torturous and tiring. There's alot to be done and yet physical work is needed. Mentally, I probably guess we all still need some re-enforcement to it because it seems like some of us losing some sanity already. Haha...
I'm stuck in the tutorial room now, doing my videos and typing this blog. Been rather bored waiting for the renderings to be done, so I'm blasting the music now.. All the dance songs bringing my legs alive. But soon it'll die down because my tiredness will engulf the enthusiasm.
I really need a massage on my neck, it feels sore and i have trouble keeping it steady. It needs lots of rotation and needs to lie down. However, no one is here to do that massage for me. So sad. I've not gotten lunch yet and I'm starting to starve. Oh no... Yet no one is back. The past few days have been really taxing and it runs terribly fast. Too fast that rag isn't able to be fit into our schedule. Probably because of the problem we having with the registerations. But my vice director says it'll be alright. So... It'll be alright then. Hahaha...
Now what modules should I take this sem? My bloody core modules giving me a hard time to choosethe modules I want to take. I can't take Malay 1 and Bahasa Indonesia 1. Stuck with either Theatre studies or sociology mods. But still considering. Maybe might choose something else. =)
Anyway, I think I need to get back to my video editings otherwise I can't complete them on time. See ya people...

Tried and Neck Aching
The Mixed Boy

A scuccessful prep camp, a vision for SOW, an evitable success...

SOW prep camp is already over, the amount of rest we had is below the usual level and expecting to have even lesser for the actual camp. Wow.. It's really tiring but rather exciting because you, as a comm member, you get to run the show as similar to the rest of your members. And with the great seniors you have, there's almost 100% that you can scream out "FROM THIS FACULTY, WALKS OUT A WINNING RAG AND FLAG TEAM". Not only that, our organising part would be much easier and it would not be to taxing to everyone. As if everyone is in this together, as a whole and carrying this weight together. Have you tried carrying 30 kg or more of items in your bag before? How would oyu feel when you carry-walk that alone for 5 km? Boring and tiring right? How about when you spread that amoung 5 friends and you carry-walk-SING? That is a feeling I can't explain to you, only to know when we experience it.
I just hope that my video productions will be successful as well.. Oh well, only way to find out is to try out then. One last thing to say - SOW COMM LETS GO!!!

Excited and Ready
The Mixed Boy

I sometimes hate the feel of free thinking...

My family matters have rose another level... Things are getting worse and I'm starting to feel the pain on my shoulders again. What does life give you? The right to have free thinking, but do you express them as where and when you like? No... This only displays the treads of deviance and complacency in the eyes of the society. Life's like that, you have to know where you stand in society in order to display your freedom of thought. Unless you are aware of the consequences, you can readily use your rights...
Maturity doesn't come in terms of age, it comes with the possession of wisedom. It doesn't mean that when you are older, you are naturally more matured. When I hear a 16year old talk about his/her rights as an individual, it does bring me back to my earlier years when I, too, said those stuff.. I dearly regret my actions and eventually starting to understand the roughness of life.
I sometimes hate the feel of free thinking, it gives people reasons to whine... I am also a victim of it. However, I'm too tired to explain to people who displays such actions. I believe they would just not listen. It has always been a proven fact that people don't listen to me anyway...
One last thing I hate is MONEY. I mean I hate the talk of money... Freaking hate it... I know I'm growing little of it and it does mean me not getting as much things as I want but the fact that the talk of money can potentially break groups up really boils my blood. I really cannot stand humans fight over not money or the material, but the THOUGHT of it. As I go pass this topic, I also don't like people to be hypocrites. It's ok to be once in a while but not always. Makes you damn complacent and diverts you from where you originally came from. E.g. If you have been noting that you done alot during your earlier years and suffered alot. Once you have attain some grounds in life, never forget where you came from, those hardship should remain in your heart to know how others would go through as well... Complacency diverts you from that reality and makes you air-headed; makes you think you're one level higher than everyone else, which is not true. The only people you would be faking is just yourself. Only when you encounter some financial difficulty would you blame it on the easiest, closest thing in your life - your family or your working colleagues, never yourself. Humans always find it easier to blame something when a problem arises rather than see what is the best way out.
I hate... I hate... I hate...

Sick of Life
The Mixed Boy

Too many things, too little time; too much output, too little sleep...

Sounds very familiar? It does sound like exams are approaching but this isn't the exams. It's the SOW... Yet there are still so much to be done. Especially my part of work... I have lots of video takes to do but then life has to go against me even with so much obsticles in the way.
First I can't get everyone to come into the picture. I can't be selfish, people need to work to survive, but then it's either I wait and rush later on or compromise with the numbers and, well, sorry for the rest. What am I to do? How about the only camcorder left that the clubroom can provide starts to give you problems? Huh? Isn't that nice? When you need it the most it starts to give you problems. Such an irony that the clubroom has two camcorders but one is under repair while the current one is dying. Pardon my language but FUCK!!!
The first briefing for SOW is over and I've not gotten a single shot on the freshmen. I failed my part to take shots for the video. And because of last night's "early", "comfortable" sleep, I managed to stay up as long as I can till dinner. Everything starts to pour in only when the datelines are closing in. So much planning but still with such results.
Sometimes I get this feeling people around me start to neglect or place little trust in me. Somehow I could sense some dejection from my own comm members. Not to mention them, my own shi zhu already have been neglecting me since very long ago. I feel like I'm some cheap toy which gives cheap thrills when one is too bored. If you need me, play me; If not, just dump me aside.
Family problems aren't something many people can run away from. Apparently, mine is something quite concurrent. There's this issue about my sister, who is being a rebellion; My brother who is not home as often these days and he just likes to play soccer; My father is not what he used to be; That leaves me to communicate with. You wouldn't want to be in my shoes, there's always trivial matters that you will hear, thinking that it's something you don't need to say but in your mind, you know it'll become big later on. Somehow, you are just the second child but with so much responsibilities that you shouldn't be holding. Where's the rest? What's happening? Why me? Why no one hear me out? Why must you mind this? Why must there be so many problems?
I also noticed my OG mates are drifting away, slowly... It's either they are too busy with their commitments or they are with their freshmen's OG. It's even to a point where sarcasm is used just to be with the group.
Lets pause here... If you ask me why do I type so much when I could be spending more time doing my work. If you have as much problems as I have, I don't think you would be in the mood to work... You would be having too much headaches to even start on anything...
You know, for the whole day yesterday(Monday), I noticed something, I'm not in any group. There's couples, couples.... more couples and OG or groups. But that leaves me...... alone. Somehow you don't notice but I've been doing things alone, just like someone we all know... R*****d. No one's naturally wanting to talk to me. When one of my comm member was just passing a playful sarcasm, it reminds me when I was in JC as a councilor. When I talked to my junior councilor, they did mention they were glad that they know me, however they always thought I was wierd and irritating... IRRITATING... Ok then... Now it rings a bell... It's hard to be yourself when you are not readily accepted by society. It's something people don't understand. If you don't accept someone, that someone bounds to "shape" himself/herself to suit the society. It's call resocialisation. However, in most cases, the more they resocialise, the worse it gets, the more dejected they will be.
It's hard to be in a groups as well when there's no sense of belonging or interaction displayed around us. To me, I think families are important factors that shape personality. Allowing your child to express their reasons naturally opens up their minds and gives them more confidence to converse with others. Of course, discipline and control is important to prevent over expressive children.
Hey I also noticed something about my nation. How many people likes singing national day songs? Not many... Well, that's what I see when I go around schools and friends. They think it's not the "in" thing. *I'm just stating a general view, I'm not concluding that my country is full of such people and pls don't quote me because I've not done any statistical studies.* I don't think national day songs are bad. I think they are nice, espcially the older generation ones. They may be a little childish but they sound rather catchy and nice. I wouldn't want to be singing national day songs day in day out of course, but I don't think they are bad. Please don't quote me but I do imagine myself as a Government official and I were to noticed many people don't like national day songs, and wouldn't feel for their country just because the songs don't serve their purpose, why would I not be worried? In the generations to come, they "newer" kids wouldn't even feel for their country at all no matter how hard schools try to teach them. Who am I to kid? I myself don't really know the newer songs because their lyrics are a little hard to catch but it's alright. I sound a little patriotic huh? But the big picture does somehow look like this... Just imagine in 10 years or 20 years time, no citizens want to serve their country well or sing national songs just because they think it's a waste of time and not hip enough, or not see the meaning in the songs... We would not be called a nation then...
I've wasted about 1 hr now but I'm still not sure what to do now... OMG! I'm thinking between several videos that I would like to do... *scratch head* Why life doesn't go smooth for me? I've already tried so many times to be someone, myself or just happy. Why does it still hit me so hard?

Tired and Restless
The Mixed Boy

Top 10 ways on how to spot a very great pal...(Mixed Boy's list)

I can summarise all 10 into 1 line:

1 - 10 : I can't explain, I don't have any just yet....

The Mixed Boy

P.S. To those who think I'm offending you, I'm not, there's a big difference between a close friend, friend and a very great pal. I have the first two, the last is something I don't have in nature.

Today...

I'm not always fond of writting diaries. It still applies to blogs as well. But somehow, I felt that I should be writting something about today.

I went to Sim Lim Square today to get my laptop upgraded (YA HOOOO!!!!). Finally, but it's not that all super fast, it's just slightly improve the performance and efficiency of the laptop. getting another 1 gig chip would cost me like another 220, which is something I can't afford. Oh well, 1 gig is more than enough...

Well, I was with Judy sourcing for cheap dvds and dvd covers for our project. Wasn't the best price we expected but was reasonable. Got extra mini DV tapes for the camcorder as well. That would come in VERY useful later on. I gotten myself a new wireless mouse (YIPEE ONCE MORE). I thought it would cost me like a bomb but at Sim Lim, the price is usually right.

I still can't continue with my video editing because members start to become very un-cooperative. Getting sick and tired of reminding again and again of trivial things I need them to provide for the video. I feel very unproductive. I need to do something.. Call me a workaholic, but when things ought to be done, I want it done efficiently and with professionalism. Despite the possibilities of us being playful, I know because I will be playful sometimes, but when work needs to be done, it should be done. Fail to plan is to plan to fail.

Tired, tired, tired... I need a jog and some coffee... My wisdom tooth is coming out and it's kind of painfully, irritating me now... So is my ulcer and cut on my finger. Damn... Oh well... Guess not many people will understand what I'm talking anyway... I can safely prove that very little numbers understand what I'm saying... "Chim" they say, I just think it's just different in perception...

Hunger for jogs
The Mixed Boy

The code of a male...

I was watching "Pirates of the Carribean, dead man's chest" just now and it didn't really appeal to me the way it was compared to the first movie. What really put me off wasn't the part that we have to watch ANOTHER movie to know it's continuation but the part where Elizaberth was shifting her love to Captain Jack. It was rather sick and I didn't feel so good.
After that movie, I reviewed that scene. Why people shift their love to other people so easily? Why is there this uncertainty and insecurity in finding someone you really love? Is the meaning of love becoming too ambiguous for people to understand? Was we just wanting to fool ourselves always? I can't see another girl and tell her that I'm interested in her not knowing where we will land in the near future. There is this uncertainty, this deep hole that I can't fill anything in in order to cross.
I remember reading up this sociology reading about a particular male code that most males possess. I don't know whether he(the writer) was referring mostly to Asians or to male in general, but I believe it(the article) was referring more to Asian males.
What is this code? Is it something that males always been possessing? Somehow yes and no. But it has been existing since very long ago. Let me ask you guys out there - when you see a girl that is somewhat your taste, you want to know her more. But when you found out that she's attached or married, what do you do? If you say you'll try breaking them up, good luck to you. Don't quote that I promote such stuff because I don't. But to those who think likewise, do you leave that girl alone and continue being just a distance friend? Is this something most males do? That if a girl is attached, she's being sealed with a stamp that she's not to be touched. *I apologised sincerely to females out there that feel offended to what I'm trying to portray. I don't mean that you are just "something" for us to "possess". I meant it as a figurative of speech.* It's the effect of this "code" that is acting on us. Do we interfer this relationship or not? To me, the answer should be no. I don't want to be a heartbreaker nor a substitute. Just imagine this girl comes over to be with you but keep talking about her previous bf or even compare him with you. Wouldn't that be so painful to keep? What if she doesn't do all that but lost interest in you and starts seeing other people, behind your back? Would that be fare? Would that be something we all want? A vicious cycle...
Even if we guys stick to our distances, it wouldn't stop girls from advancing. But lets take this thought all the way up to a familiar phrase "the first girl is not necessary the one you love. There is always a search to find the ONE". If everyone always want to find the one and always use the "test water" technique, there may not be an end to finding someone you're comfortable and love with. And through my 22 years alive, from what I see, people like me, are those girls don't even take a glance at. They always give me this strange look as if I'm some animal or what. Like as if they are always thinking the same thing, "Errrhhh, what a hairy, ugly guy. Doesn't suit someone as beautiful as me..."

Whatever.........

I'm now vexed yet confused of what is going on. Sometimes it's just too sad and upsetting to think about these stuff. It sometimes hinder my movement, thinking is it worth it or not...

Upset and tired
The Mixed Boy

An irony of a phrase...

You'll be amazed on what you can see when travelling to school.

I was walking under the sheltered walkway towards my faculty when this bus, number 10, drove pass the highway. And guess what I noticed? I saw this phrase that says, "Less of Fat, less of You" -_-|||

What does fat have to do with a person's presence? Hahaha... It's so strange when you link fat to a person. I mean it's something rather true because if someone who is virtually no fat, is rather hard to catch eyeful compared to someone who is WAY FAT. Haha... But don't you think there's something wrong with this phrase? If it's pointing at something, maybe it wouldn't look so bad. But it wasn't. It was a phrase by itself. Strange...

To those attached out there, do you really want your spouse to be freaking fat to see him/her so much? I mean there are other ways of seeing each other more, which is video conferencing and meeting up more, go for movies and have lunch together. Haha... No offence ya?

Lets take it up to medical level, if you are going on diets and happen to lose like 10kg, and get anarosic(sorry for wrong spelling), MAYBE "less of you" does apply here. It is because you'll be disappearing from this world every second from that process. And you ARE somehow losing fat because you're body couldn't find any other source of energy and has to break down fats instead. Haha...

Or maybe it means less of fat in food, that leaves to less of "you"(diseases). Ahhhhhh... Maybe THEN it makes more sense huh? Less of fatty food promotes better, healthier you. A balanced meal and regular exercise would ensure you have less of "you".

What do you think?

But lets say we take it down to a very offending, discriminating comment (I'm sorry if I offended anyone, it is only meant to be thoughts, not something I think it's right. A man can think can't he? Hahaha...). What happens when this phrase was referring to those fat people out there, when we have less of "fat" (fatty people), we have less of "you" (you fatty people to deal with). Ouch... It's rather hurting? But don't to deep in between the lines, they wouldn't be too dumb to have puns like that. Haha...

I think it's interesting to see things like these. It makes your mind work and give thought to what advertisements offer when they post their stuff. I better keep my eyes peeled for more then.

Scouting and Eyes peeled
The Mixed Boy

A day to remember...

I never stayed in school for more than 10 days in a row, but with SCAMP, Pre-prep camp and FnR camp side by side, 10 days is nothing. Hahaha... However, it was REALLY enjoyable that you get time for yourself and you can do what you want to do. You don't get rushed by your mom to sleep early when you are doing your work or have your meals when assigned to. You can choose when and where to have it. I know I may contradict myself but I also do miss my house sometimes. I sometimes worry for my mom whether she is doing fine or not. It's like going back to NS when I"m caged up in my bunk and can't go back home till the end of the week. For me, I can take the solatary life. I'm kinda used to it because I was trained to be. But my mom, she needs company sometimes. I noticed that we don't go shopping with her or out with her like we used to back when I was about.... 10years old? Maybe it's because we've grown up and we already have other commitments in our lives.
Somehow my commitments may increase slowly throughout the years. Have you ever tell yourself bluff? Have you ever thought that someone is rather interesting to talk to but you tell yourself "Nah, don't think she's interested in talking to me"? Well I have, several times already. Can't help it when I've turned into a timid mouse despite my size. The more you don't socialise, the more you don't know what people want from your conversations. However, if you don't mind it, then don't let it bother you. Being a sensitive person that I am, I'm sucked into the realm of worries. A thinking person not necessarily be a good thing. But I do hope for one thing - that this time, it is a good thing.

Thinking
The Mixed Boy

Post SCAMP effects...

Life still is a little boring after the camp. Nothing much has happened besides me staring blankly on the wall or ceiling. Though I believe there's alot more to do for SOW but then I'm rather down on spirits. I remember myself telling Huike that I would change my way of thinking. But somehow even with so much, I can only to that much. I'm still human, a human either saw too much or too little. I wish things would change and not have to wait for a change. Fate is something I dun really believe. I always believe we choose the path we want to choose. Whatever you do will have a result - that's Karma. Do I look irritating? Am I pervertic? Do I get on people's nerve all the time? If I'm not then why people indirectly say such things about me? What's the use of me seeing/learning so much just to know so little/get so little. Sometimes I think that if people want simple people, I dun fit in the criteria. Because I'm unique, uniquely strange...

Looking at the Ceiling
The Mixed Boy